Last night I got a phone call from Matthew, and by the sound of his voice I knew it wasn't good news. I thought to myself what now, does his mom want to invite the tri-state area to our rehearsal dinner? It all seems trivial now, let her if she wants.

Matthew's Dad waited for his mom to go to bed so he could talk to his son with out being interupted by his wife who will quickly call him out. Matt's dad said that he admired him for the effort he is putting forth on the job front, but the truth of the matter is, if he doesn't have a job we can't get married (which he does have a point). Then it hit....

" If you don't have a job in a few months, I think you should break your lease, pack up your stuff and go."

As he is telling me this the anger starts to build up.... Matt continues....

" I think you should go stay with your sister for a couple of weeks and check things out, go stay with your Grandma and check things out."

I can feel my blood pressure rising, the heat on my face, the white of my knuckles clenched around a ball of jeans.

Matt replies "Dad, Katy took summer semester off to pay for the wedding."

"She is going to be in school forever."

I don't even know what to say about any of this. I ask Matt to give me a straight answer and I ask him "Does your dad want us to break up?" Matt reassures me and says no and I tell him that I can't do long distance again, I don't think I have it in me. I had to be strong for 5 years and what can I say I am soft now.

I feel like I now know what his dad really thinks of me. I am the one holding his son back, I am the one that is hindering his full potential. Even after his dad warned him he still moved up here to be with me.

I feel attacked, I feel like I am not good enough for him and its not Matthew that has made me feel that way it is his Dad...

Does he think this every time he sees me? I am afraid of Matt resenting me in the end.

I just don't know what to think anymore.

I am all alone....

Literally! Matthew left today for a long weekend in Alabama, which I think he needs. He is getting a "little" homesick he says but I think it is more than just a little . So I will come home to a human less apartment, greeted by a bewildered basset who hasn't been locked up for more than a couple of hours since December.

I will say now that Matthew is on the road there are endless possibilites on how to spend these few days alone. Cleaning is totally on the bill of fare, I want Matt to not know where he is when he walks in the door. Girls night with Crystal is Saturday, which will be fun I get to cook and I mean cook like I did in school. Sunday is lunch with my brother and sister-in-law which will be nice since I haven't seen them since January.

I actually like being alone. I like being able to do what I want when I want and I haven't had that for quite some time. So this is going to be a good weekend.... lets hope the weather is nice too!!!!

Meeting with Pinnacle tonight

Tonight is the planning meeting at Pinnacle with Lisa. I am pretty excited, it something to mark off my list. We are going to be planning the outside set up and decor, the interior set up and decor ( I am using their hurricanes, votives, candles, place settings, table numbers). Matthew is excited because he has never seen Pinnacle in person before. I will take pictures and post later.

My 37

I know that there is this thing going around 10n in 1001 days. Well after talking with Crystal she said she wanted to do a modified version, like 37 in 365 days and I thought that was brilliant. So after some thought I decided to make a list and here it is...
1.Loose weight
2. Get Married
3. Go back to school
4.Stop biting nails
5. Go to Grandma's once a week
6. Move in to a bigger place
7. Talk to Nick once a week
8. Talk to Dad once a week
9. Audition for a show
10. Take voice lessons
11. Get my Scuba Certification
12.Have a girls night once a month
13.Get a massage
14.Drink (at least) 2 bottles of water every day
15.Clean my car out once a month
16.Have a date night with Matthew once a week
17.Hang up my laundry when it is clean
18.Go to Iowa
19.Buy a Coach purse
20.Scrapbook my France and Hawaii trips
21.Join UALC
22.Clean the Apartment every Saturday
23.Take Dot for a walk (weather permitting) every night
24.Get 8 hours of sleep every night
25.Read 4-6 books
26.Start Highland dancing again
27.Write all my recipes down
28. Get my teeth whitened
29. Go to a Broadway show
30. Work on having more Patience
31. Try a new recipe every week
32.Give my time or Money to charity
33.Go to the events Ohio has to offer: Red, white and boom, Jazz and ribs fest, Ren Fest, Greek Festival, the Latino festival, Gallery hop, Picnic with the pops just to name a few
34.Try a new restaurant every month
35.Do something big for New Years
36.Go to a concert this summer
37. Learn the dance to "Single Ladies"

I know some may sound corny but her its what I want to achieve.

192 days to go

And things are slowly getting back on track. Matt and I worked out our money woes and have a plan, which was severely needed. He has his second interview with a company who's name escapes me at the moment, so lets keep our fingers crossed that all goes well. He is getting really discouraged, and I don't blame him.

A quick wedding update....

As of today we can cross off the list:
-We have a pastor, his name is Eric Waters and he is from UALC.
-We put the deposit down on the flowers
-We have a meeting with Lisa at Pinnacle next Tuesday to work on food and the little details of the wedding.
-I have the cake details worked out
-I have a signed with a make up artist

The veil situation is still up for debate so I am asking for help.... vote at the bottom of the page on if I should wear a birdcage veil or not.

I am really excited for the upcoming months, when we really start checking things off the list. I am one of those people that don't like things to be up in the air, I want to get it done and put a big black x through it.

On the subject of lent ( I know I am jumping around here) I have decided to give up a vice that I have had for the greater part of my existence, biting my nails. It is an ugly habit and it only gets worse when I am stressed ( you should see my hands right now, it looks like they were mauled by a badger).

I will say that a challenge has been brought to the table and I think I am going to accept it. 101 things to accomplish in 1001 days. I am going to start making my list today, I had to try to think of some things to start out with.

That's all I got for now.

update.

Well the update isn't a good one.

Matthew lost his job. So he is back at square one and the money issue is back on the table. Hell it is the table.

I am sick. Very sick. I have a gnarly sinus infection that has been made worse by my stubbornness to not see a doctor and my home remedies. But! (Crystal you should be very happy) I went to see a doctor and now have the appropriate meds to get better.

Only 2 more weeks of school for me, that is exciting.

what we have to deal with now;

try to find a cheaper photographer


ok, I am going to go lay down.

Blue

I am getting married and I thought I had this under control but the stress has arrived and I see it looming. The dark clouds arrived yesterday at work. I talked to the photographer about changing the package we were originally interested in ($2500.00) to something cheaper and she is very sweet and willing to work with me. If we get her 25% of the of money by February 18th which would be $500.00 dollars. I can feel my shoulders cramping up and I immediately call Matt and tell him and he says he doesn't have it, which I already knew. I said why not take it out of the money my dad is giving me and then put it back in once we have it. He tells me he is worried because he doesn't know when we will have that kind of money. I am kind of dumb struck.

So then we get off the phone and I start to think about that conversation and previous ones that we have had and I start to get angry. He doesn't want to go in to debt with this wedding, yet he is the one the pushed for 9-6-09 when I said maybe we should wait until July of 2010 because I would be out of school and he would have been working for a year. No, No he said he didn't want to wait that long to marry me. And like a sap I melted and signed a contract for 9-6-09. I mean don't get me wrong I didn't want to wait either but at least I was trying to make it easier on us.

So we got in to this fight about where the money is going to come from. I told him we totally aren't on the same page because he really wants a honeymoon (which his parents are paying for) and I want the wedding. I think it is so dumb to spend that much money to go some place tropical (like he hasn't been going there at least once a year since he has been in high school) to lounge around and be together. I rather share one of the most important days in our relationship with our friends and family and Celebrate.

So I am at a loss. I don't what to do. I can't charge anything because I no longer have a credit card and I have to start paying back my loans. Cause oh yeah I am putting my dream on hold so the burden of paying for the wedding doesn't solely fall to him. I thought at this point in time school is a luxury that can be but on the back burner until the we are Mr. and Mrs. but he is afraid of bad credit score? Which is more important? We won't see eye to eye. How do I handle this one?