Line in the sand

Present | Future

This is where I am right now, toes lined up and still I can't push myself to cross.

I can actually say that right now, I am happy where I am. This has never happened before, I am one that lived in "what ifs" and "what could have been".

I saw a post of Facebook that said "when you find yourself not looking to the past, you are doing something right." Ok in all honesty I am totally paraphrasing, it was early and I can't find it again but I know it was some artsy inspirational quote with a sunset background. I mean it did the job obviously, I sipping my coffee and I thought about it.

But now a new issue is at the forefront. The present | The future

I am living more presently than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I have made peace with my past and that in and of itself is HUGE for me, most people.

But now the future, where I used to dream and just see it as a place of possibility I am now hiding from.

The big THING that I can't seem to reconcile.... expanding our family.

I know! It is so crazy considering how many kids I want and how long we waited for Sarah. I can say that I am not surprised that we don't have a litter by now. Back to the point, Presently, I am so perfectly content with home life, the only thing I wish for everyday is more time, but I think every working parent has this same wish.

Sarah is absolutely blossoming, and turning in to a full blown, attitude filled toddler. To see her personality forming is amazing. I am going to stop here because I could write all day about how amazing my daughter is.

When I think about adding to our brood, I am not quite filled with excitement like I was when we were trying with Sarah. It is more anxiety, because I know I want more kids but where are the butterflies? The warm fuzzy feeling? We are still trying, and I would be beyond elated if it were to happen but the thought of going through everything pregnancy brings on top of working and still being a present mom for Sarah and present partner for Mr.G makes me fidget.

Can I really do it all?

I don't want to just go through the motions with my children/husband. I want to BE in the moment and remember this time. I want to make sure that when I go to bed at night I can say that I was the best mom/wife I could be that day.

I know these are all common fears and thoughts that most parents have. I just thought that having another baby would be a no brainier, no second thoughts. And in some moments I am so consumed with my want to hold a baby again that I think I am crazy for not being more proactive to make this happen. Husband wants to try and we have had the talk about timing and like I said we would be elated if it happened, I am just terrified it will throw this new found serenity I have in to a free fall.

Do I put my present at risk for the future I have always envisioned for myself?

Do I let go of the future I always planned for?

I don't have the answer yet, so I guess for now I am left toeing this line.

When the storm ends and the skies begin to clear.

I am alive.

I have weathered this storm and the skies are clearing.

A LOT has happened since the last time I posted so I am going to make this long story short as best as I can.

After many nights of crying, being homesick and second guessing myself I finally began to see where I was and the good that was all around me.

Sarah is blossoming, she adores being outside getting dirty in the back yard or playing in sand at the beach. Her speech is still an issue but slowly her words are coming around. I think that was a major turning point for me, to see my daughter just run around, be free and develop such loving relationships with the G family.

We SOLD our house in record time, 2 weeks!

We decided to rent a house instead of buy, not knowing enough about the different area's in and around SC made us weary of jumping in to a new home. We signed a lease and get the keys this Friday!!

Husband got a transfer down here! He Starts the 3rd!

I didn't really grasp the blessing that is my in-laws. I knew they were nice, I knew they loved me as their sons wife but that they didn't really know me.  I was terrified to move in with them, although I have been Mrs.G for almost 6 years, they were still strangers. We were given the amazing gift of time and now, I can say that they know me, and that they love me for me.

I can say that the Saturday's spent on the beach made this easier, it really did. I would have moments when I was standing on the beach, or crossing the ocean on the bridge that I would smile and say " I live here."

I have started singing in a choir again and have found a home church. Husband and I get to have a meeting with with Pastor as soon as we are settled. It feels good to be apart of such a tremendous community.

I am falling in love with my new city, Head over heels really. My bones still ache for Ohio because that will always be my comfort zone, my hometown. I still can't believe that I moved, I dreamed of it when I was young, granted my dreams where much grander, NYC with my name in lights on Broadway. I never thought in a million years I would end up in the land of pines, the Low Country.  I think my new dream of beaches and sweet tea will suit me just fine.

Realization

Today I had a moment when I knew it wasn't just being down and missing everyone, a moment when I realized that this was a terrible mistake.

We had a plan.

We were going to wait to move to SC once we were done with our credit counsiling (October 2016), but instead jumped the gun and now we are between a rock and a hard place.

Our credit sucks and we won't be able to really rectify it until we are done with our credit counsiling so that means no house.

While on the phone with the lenders getting this news about how "Negative" our credit report was I realized how done I am with this situation.

I am DONE scraficing

This was the nail in the coffin for me, I swear to baby Jesus if my husband thinks that my mother, himself, my daughter, our 2 dogs and myself are going to cram in to an apartment he can go take a walk.

I have a perfectly nice house, in OHIO that accomdates us nicely.

Almost there.

I only have a minute because I should be packing....

I have started a post probably three times now but they turn out so debbie downer that I decide not to post them.

I am not happy to be moving

I am not looking forward to starting a new job

I am not excited to be a single parent for goodness knows how long

but I breathe and keep going.

A lot of lasts are happening, which I hate thinking of them as such, like I am a prisoner on death row.

But it is goodbye or See you later.

I am happy to report that packing, although at a stand still is about 90% done. I feel like I have wasted so much time these past 10 days but in all honesty I can't pack up anymore of Sarah's toys or room because we are still living here. So much has to happen the last three days that I am worried I won't be able to enjoy my last days as an Ohioan. My mom took the week off to help and hopefully with her as a helper and a distraction I get everything done in ample time to say goodbye to my home.

Please send me motivation/a kick to the butt to get the rest of this packing done.

Next time I post it will be from the Low Country!

Looking forward

In the interest in trying to stay positive and not dwell in the heart wrenching sadness that almost flattens me like a truck when I think about leaving my home. I have started a list of things I am looking forward to about this move.

Here is my list thus far:

1. Warmer weather:

Living my entire life in Ohio I have seen some brutal winters, gloomy days lasting months, winds that chill you to the bone and  hurt your face and saying that weekly prayer that this snow storm will shift north or south.

They are already in a thaw in SC, temps are reaching a lovely 60 degrees. My flips flops are calling me and my toes are begging to me painted a bright and fun color.

2. Being surrounded by people with similar weight loss/health goals:

I love my husband, and one thing that still blows me away is that he loves me (is attracted to me) no matter what I look like. He loved me when I was 130 pounds and that love and tenderness didn't falter when my weight sky rocketed to 250. As much as I adore my husband's love for my body (especially when I can't) it can cause a state of "oh what the hell" with my eating. Not to mention husband isn't the greatest partner in a healthy life style. The man would eat a 5 lb bag of gummy bears in one sitting if I didn't stop him.

My MIL and SIL are both trying to get in better shape and drop some weight. It will be nice to have support system that is trying to reach this goal with me instead of eating a twinkie and cheering me on from the side lines.

3. Going to Church:

My husband's family is very active in their church community and I can't wait to join them. I have said before that I feel like this is one aspect in my life that is missing, that I haven't cultivated. I want Sarah to know God in away that I never did, to be strong in her faith and this is the first step.

And I get to sing in a choir again. EXCITED!

4. Close proximity to the beach:

this should be higher on the list, I can't even tell you how excited I am that I will be 10 mins from the beach and plan on being there every weekend. It is a luxury lost on some, but for a Yankee like me that had to travel 13 hours to get to an ocean, that I want to soak up every minute I can.

My list of things I will miss is three times as long,if not longer, but I take note if I find myself getting excited about something. I need to stay positive for my family, no matter how much my heart hurts and hope the sound of the beach waves will ease it.

south carolinian

It's official.

As of March 23rd, 2015 I will be a resident of South Carolina.

I am still in shock that this is happening so quickly but at the same time I keep thinking to myself that it maybe better that I am ripping the band-aid.

There is so much to do and so little time to do it in, I am making lists out the wazoo and still crying every once in a while.

It hits me in waves.

I think about the warm weather, the beach, having weekends/holidays off and obtaining this goal that I set for myself and I am no cloud nine.

then it hits me that in a few weeks I will probably never step foot in my first home again, the home that we brought Sarah home too, where she learned to crawl and learned to walk. That I won't be staying at home with her anymore, that I can honestly say that I have no idea when we will be a family of three under one roof again, that she may not "remember" Matthew when she does see him.

Before my interview I found myself alone, at my dad's house, sitting in the quiet and profoundly drawn to scripture. I was surprised myself because I am not that person.

I prayed for a calm heart and a steady voice, to find the right words and for calm of my nerves

I found this:

 I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I wrote it on a piece of paper so I could read it.

I repeated to myself as the all came in.

Never have I found truer words to be spoken.

I have this hanging in my bathroom so I can read it every morning, noon and it is the last thing I see before I go to sleep.

This is happening for a reason, and it may not be clear yet, but I know it is in his plan for me.

Everybody does it.

A lot is happening, could be happening.

Husband is from the south, hence the blog title, and when we got married I always promised we would move. He made the move north for me so I would reciprocate the favor, the only hitch was I wanted to stay until I had our first baby. He agreed, I mean it would have been my first pregnancy and I wanted to be around my family and friends.

That time has come and gone and our "baby" (I use "" because she is a full blown toddler now), is almost 2 and we are talking about number 2 (did you think poo? I almost rewrote that line because I started to chuckle at number 2.... I am almost 30) and I would be lying if the allure of the warmer weather and beach proximity wasn't tempting.

I just knew it would happen this way and just prayed that it wouldn't, that he would prove me wrong this time.

I want to preface this with I love my husband, so much it hurts.

With that being said.

I know he moved here for me and I have been nothing but supportive about moving for him.

I have given up school twice because WE needed me to work full time
I have given up working in a department where myself and my work was appreciated and we all got along and really enjoyed each other.
and now I am putting myself up for a job that would see me giving up staying home with Sarah and it hurts so much I can't even type this without tearing up.

I know everything happens for a reason, without quitting school and getting the job at OSU, I may have never of gotten pregnant, if I didn't already work at OSU I may have never gotten the job that allowed me to stay at home with Sarah.

But giving up staying at home with her is almost too much.

I am up for a job at a hospital in SC. I would move down there, with Sarah, and live with my in laws.

I was just hoping that for once, our major life changing event didn't depend solely on me.

He says if I am this miserable about the thought of leaving then I shouldn't take the job, but how can I not? He would never forgive me, nor would his family for passing on this opportunity.

I am between a rock and hard place that is covered with rusty nails.

I keep telling myself, most mothers work, you can do this.

But everything in my body is aching and my heart is fighting me, screaming at me to stay with my baby.

Everybody does it.

Everybody does it.

You can do this.

Breathe.