Full Panel

I bought some maternity clothes, the process for making sure everything fit led to a not yet showing pregnant lady shoving a pillow in to her pants that are without a zipper and button but are equipped with a full panel of spandex.

Sexy.

But first I wanted to talk about body.

I have body image issues, surprised? you shouldn't be.

I think I am the fattest fat person on the planet and I think that everyone else thinks that and judges the crap out of me. In a nut shell.

There was a fear before I got pregnant that being pregnant and the hugeness that comes with it would send me on a downward spiral in to the depths on my own self loathing... wow, that was a very melodramatic sentence.

Anyway, but when I did get pregnant and dealing with everything, my body problems was the last thing on my mind. In fact when I did start to feel better I often found myself with my hands on my belly and grabbing my husbands hands to put them on there too. What was my deal? This was the same person that if my husband grabbed my stomach before October I would push him, sometimes with too much vigor,  away and sulk about being fat.

Then at Christmas with his parents I noticed the air was lighter, I wasn't as up tight, and honestly wasn't spending a bunch of time creating the perfect outfit, making sure every hair was in place, make up on. I really could of cared less, and not to mention I was still throwing up.

It wasn't until Kitty asked me at our last session how I was doing with my body issues and usually I had a mouthful to say about it, this time I just sat there. Until that point I hadn't even thought about being fat, or how disgusting I usually found myself.

She asked about my trip and I told her how easy it was and she asked me why I thought that was, I sat back and reflected and then it came to me.

"The focus wasn't on me it was on the baby and I didn't feel like I was under the microscope"

Not that I was before, but something you have to understand about southern women vs. me in general. Southern women are always ON, meaning hair blown out, impeccable outfit, flawless make up, these goddess' even shave their legs in the winter time. Let's not even get in to the sweetness they exude and their general niceness to everyone.

This is what husband grew up with, this was his norm and I am pretty sure this is the type of person his mother dreamed of him marrying....

Then there is the mess that is me. Pores big enough to serve guac out of, not a spec of make up in sight, day old hair pulled back in a funky pony tail, legs that haven't seen a razor since I was forced to shave for my massage over Christmas. I am not sweet nor do I have a general niceness about me. I am a curmudgeon with the mouth of sailor and a sense of humor only a small percentage of society would deem appropriate and those people you probably wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. Please don't think I am  putting myself down here ladies because I am more than comfortable with who I am, it is just a far cry from the southern belles of Husbands old stomping grounds and sometimes husband will introduce me to a child hood friend and she is standing there all southern and I look at him like "Really?"

I promise you this has a point.

Since getting pregnant, my body issues have disappeared.

The clothes I bought, the tops at least, all form fitting. I have spent years and countless dollars on clothes that hid my stomach, torture devices that made it hard to breathe but damn it if I didn't have love handles.

Now, I can't wait to show off my big belly, have people touch it (I say that now, but the first stranger that does, may get krav maga-ed , I am sorry future person).

I don't think twice about people looking at me and I for sure could care less if they judge me (which I know they aren't, I just think they are) the only people I am focused on is husband and baby. And it took getting pregnant to really realize that it should have been that way since day one.

I feel lighter than I ever have in my life and I have full panel elastic waist pants to thank for that.

1/2 a thought

Surgery update.

I had my medical evaluation and had gained 5lbs since March...not awesome

The lady processing my information couldn't have been a pound under 300 if I had to guess.

The whole situation made my inner monologue take off.

If she works here why hasn't see had a surgery? I feel silly for being here having her work up my information.

I met the doctor, a nutritionist, and the insurance rep.

Everything went ok, I found out we are going to have to contribute more than we thought, which isn't stellar but it was expected.

I am iron, vitamin D and B12 deficient.

That explains the lethargy and bouts with sickness.

I made the next round of appointments but there was this pestering doubt that kept floating in front of me like a gnat. I would swat it away but it kept coming back.

I am not going to say I wouldn't have the surgery and that I am having second thoughts, cause if they called me tomorrow saying some anonymous donor covered the bill and I can have it tomorrow I would.

So I say I am having half of a thought.

I don't know what it is, actually, I kind of do.

They surgery I originally went in for started to look like a mistake and from what I had gathered from forums and talking with someone that had had the surgery, the lap band is more like a diet aid. It didn't give them the results they wanted and they fell back in to the same bad eating habits and put weight back on. Some even went back under the knife for a more evasive surgery.

So I was left with chance.

Should I chance it and get the lap band or do I want to nip the potential problem in the bud and go head and get the sleeve?

The sleeve for those of you not up on the gastric surgery lingo is where they remove most of your stomach and leave you with a small section. Your stomach will eventually stretch and get bigger, but not to the football size it is now.

I couldn't believe that I was considering removing more than half of a body organ. I mean isn't that usually a bad thing?

My main question with the doctor was could I have a normal and healthy pregnancy with either surgery. They said for a post surgery patient yes, for a normal person no, it wouldn't be considered normal. Normal for post surgery because I would already be on supplements so they would just add more on, not normal for a non surgery person because I would be taking fist fulls of pills to make sure me and baby were as healthy as could be.

Make sense?

I am a worry wart in the worst way (say that three times fast), I started having these far fetched scenarios where I would have the surgery, pic up some germ or virus like the plauge or a flesh eating virus and then my body then becomes riddled with infection and I almost die. But I don't because in my scenarios I always get saved in the nick of time, but the doctor tells me my baby maker was so severely damaged that I can never have kids....

or the more realistic, what if I have the surgery and have difficult pregnancies, ones riddled with blood work, bed rest and pills.

I mean that could happen anyway but I would know that is just how my pregnancy is going and not because I had this surgery.

Then I start to think, Mrs.G you can do this, you are strong enough to take on this challenge, you see people like you do it everyday.

Then the little asshole in my head says I can't.

This is going to seem out of left field but stay with me.

I have been a nail biter for years, a serious one in fact.

But one day I painted my nubbin nails, and usually my nails get a little longer because who would want to gnaw on nails and get polish in their mouths too? Not me.

So I just kept them painted and all of a sudden my nails were growing, and soon they were just peaking out over the tops of my finger and now they are actual nails.

I just stopped biting them.

I haven't since, granted the temptation is their, but if it gets too strong I paint  my nails and the temptation is gone.

I curbed my temptation by taking my mind off it and doing something productive for me not to bite my nails. Sounds like a mentality that could help me with my eating habits. When I am tempted to eat outside of a meal/snack time I need to do something productive.

If I can break a vice of mine that has plagued me for years who is to say I can't do this too?

I think I might give healthy eating and living one more strong go.

If it doesn't work, that I could still continue with the surgery, but knowing that I tried, this one last time would make me feel a lot better.

I am not sure if I am going to blog about it, updates here and there but not actual weekly updates or a dedicated blog series.

Just wanted to let you know where I am with everything.

Happy Tuesday!!

the time I almost burned my house down and got the kitchen of my dreams

Last night, I almost burned my kitchen down.

Last night, I almost got the kitchen of my dreams.

Kidding! but seriously I almost burned my kitchen down.

I went grocery shopping last night and per usual, when I came in I placed the bags on the stove. The puppies were wailing so I huridly let them out and then tended to the other dogs and went and sat on the deck.

About 10 minutes later I decide to go and put everything away, before I even open the back door I can smell smoke. Silly me thought "someone must be grilling out", when I opened the door, I was hit with an intense odor of buring, melting plastic and food. I look over and smoke is pouring off of the stove top I run over and see that the front eye is on, high. I turn it off and start to open windows to air out the downstairs.

I have no idea how it happened because you have to press down then turn the knob to turn it on, I tried to recreate it but I couldn't. We lost about half of the groceries we had purchased.....

not my best moment.

In other news, I am craving fall. I can not stop thinking about cool crisp days, rustling leaves, sweaters, football, bonfires. Gah! I am so over being hot all the time, plus my fall clothes are so much cuter than my summer ones. Can I get a witness!?!?!?!
I have been trying some new recipes and I am really going to start posting about them. Promise.

Surgery update: Got a letter that I had made it through the first hurdle which I didn't even know was a hurdle. The program director has to approve it (meaning at first glance you do fit the criteria) BEFORE it is sent to off for preapproval, so I guess I got prepreapproved. Now, I wait another week or so to see what the insurance company says.

got to go coffee is ready! I am not drinking it so much for the caffine content as I am for the piping hotness of it. It is freezing down here yo.

240

This is hard number to swallow. A hard number to accept.


For years I have struggled with my weight, I have tried countless diets, exercise plans and all I gained was more weight and a chip on my shoulder. Not to mention after each failure I was pulled further and further in to the dark as to what I should do about my weight, so much so I even turned to buliema as an answer to my problem.

I got a handle on that and can proudly say that I haven't binged or purged for over a year and half!

I didn't want to go to therepy last Monday because I didn't think I had anything to talk about and I didn't want to have to pull for stuff. Kitty knows about my meeting and my intentions regarding the surgery and she listens with a air of caution becaue she doesn't want me to fail. We started talking about what I can do now to make adjustments that will make the life changes nessacary for the surgery more sucessfull and some of the basics were remove myself from a situation that I would generally snack, like watching tv for hours and hours. She suggested watch a show, then get up and do something, then come back and watch something else. I also said that I needed to meal plan better and eat more frequently than I have been. I have the problem of comming home and sitting down to relax then by the time I do eat dinner I am ravenous and I eat 2 big portions. She said this was all good but not the answer she was looking for.

I need to come up with a plan for when I get depressed, sad, angry all my emotional triggers that have me running to food, I have to have a diverson in place so I don't eat.

I couldn't think of anything.

"you don't have anything else that makes you that happy?"

The tears came. She can always make me cry, shes like Oprah.

I realized in that moment how much I had lost myself in food.

I used to be interesting and fun, I used to sing, act, create, explore, enjoy life without food as a sole focus, but now all my joy in life comes from food.

 I do nothing that I used to do. I am not in a choir, nor am I doing anything to keep my insturment in working order, I haven't been on stage for 3 years, and I have reached boarder line hermit status. I am wasting the best years of my life sheltered and chained to food.

She suggested that I start taking voice lessons again or join a choir or better yet take a yoga class. That way I am killing 2 birds with one stone,  I have something to look foward during the week instead of my next meal and I am doing something that is just for me.

It was also discussed what do to about my home life. My husband works hard, he has a physical job and he is outside in the heat so I get his desire to come home and do nothing. The issue is I want to be where he is and partcipate with him so when he sits and vegs, I set sit and veg too. Because he does have a physical job he can snack, not as much as he does, but he can afford too because he is burning far more calories than I am sitting in a chair. The problem this poses is we are completly lop sided in our life styles, he is physical during the day and the evening is his resting time, whereas I am at rest all day and need to up the physical activity at night. This is hard when you need daily support. I know my mom is there to help but I really want my husband to be healthy too and have him on board with a healthier life style.

Kitty asked "what are you going to do when he is sitting on the couch with a bag of chips"

I paused and thought of the only thing I could "I would remove myself from the situation"

It made me sad, to say that I would remove myself from my husbands company. I told him this because there is already little space between us but I know that will close as we get our finances back on track and get in to the swing with both of us working again. But I crave closeness with him even more than food sometimes. So to make a knowing choice to not be around him when he doing his nightly routine is a hard one to make.

I know he supports this decision. He has seen me break down and deteriorate to what I am now, a self conscicence, mean, empty person. When we first met I was the one trying to pull him out of his comfort zone and try new things and now it is reverse.

240 is a big number. And I have accepted that as my number.... right now.

And as much as I tried I can't get out from under its weight anymore. Some days I was positive, I tried to tell myself that I was beautiful, that there is more to me than my fat. But that doesn't work for me, no dose of positive reinforcement can make me feel better about this body. I don't think there is anything wrong with that because this is so much more than it once was to me. Before I was loosing weight to fit a mold that I thought I had to, the one that society put out there. But now I want to fit in to the Katy mold, the one where I felt confident, comfortable, beautiful.

It has taken me a long time to see that my mold, is one of a kind, and that is what I want more than anything now.

Personal statement

Prior to surgery approval you have to fill out an application where they basically want you to lay out for them all your past diet failures, physical ailments and so on. I had no problem filing this out but the last page of the application wanted you to wrtie a personal statement as to why you are asking for the surgery.

This was possibly the hardest piece I have ever written. This has been such a personal struggle for me because my weight issues run so deep and so long that it was hard to choose what to include and how do I word it in a way that gets my point across.

I wanted to share this with you because even if this doesn't happen, I don't get approved or some other reason, it is still a very real possibilty and I want to document the journey. Even if the journey ends before it can really begin.

Here is my personal statement:

I am asking for this surgery because I want to start the life that I should be living.

I have dieted almost every year since I was 13.  I tried the fad diets, low calorie, special foods, protein shakes.  I know it sounds cliché, but if you can think of a diet I probably tried it.  I am an all or nothing thinker, I would go in to these diets gung ho and do really well, adhering to the rules. I like rules and structure so the more to follow the more I liked it.  I would start to lose weight, 20 pounds at the most and the moment I started to add “normal” foods back in, the weight loss would stop and even regress in some instances. I was killing myself for nothing.  There could be no reward because as soon as I began to add regular food, the weight would pile back on.  After years of being on this roller coaster and after coming face to face with what obesity is doing to my body, I decided I needed to take the next step to get the results needed to be happy and most importantly, healthy.

This year has been a challenging year for me, as I have begun to see a drastic increase in the repercussions of my obesity. This year was supposed to be a big year for me.  I quit my full time job to go back to school and get my degree. The new job I found was very labor intensive, and I thought I was ready for the challenge because it was such a different pace than my old job. I was ready for it mentally, but physically I couldn’t do it. Those words taste like vinegar “I couldn’t do it”.  After 3 weeks of 10 hour shifts on my feet I was in such physical pain it warranted me a trip to the ER.  After being given the diagnosis of tendonitis in my feet and ankles, the doctor asked me if there was a desk job that I could do instead.  Since there wasn’t, I was left with the decision to quit my job because physically I couldn’t do it.  I still live with the pain that comes with tendonitis, and now the pain has moved to my left knee. I wonder every day, what joint will be next on the list?  Even now, I have a desk job and sit for most of the day.  However, when I do have to go run an errand I look at the flights of stairs as Everest.  When I reach the top, I am a gasping mess, trying to get my breathing under control and hoping no one notices that my face is flushed, the deep rise and fall of my chest, and the sweat on my forehead.

I will say that I am lucky in the sense that unlike some living with obesity, I am not being treated for any health problems (i.e. diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol), however, every added day I am obese I feel as if I am borrowed time.  Adult onset diabetes runs on both sides of my family and I am thankful that I am not suffering from this disease, but I know it is a very likely fate for me being obese.  One issue that has come to the surface is my infertility.  My husband and I decided in 2010 to start trying for a baby, and month after month we had no result.  I made an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything was in working order.  After the normal intake procedure, I was ushered in to a small room and had a “talking to” about my weight. The doctor said that she wouldn’t recommend infertility testing until I was within a healthy BMI, and I left the office that day, crushed. I knew she was just doing her job, and even though the harsh bite of her words hurt, I knew she was right. If I were to conceive at my present weight I would be putting my life and my unborn child at risk. Being a mother is very important to me and I am willing to put that on hold to have this surgery.  I want to be the best vessel for my child that I can be, and being obese isn’t it. Also, I want to be able to be a role model for my children and how can I prevent them, and encourage them from a life of obesity, while being obese myself? I want to be able to run with them, roll around in the grass with them and currently given my joint issues I couldn’t even walk around the block with them.

The emotional toll that comes with being obese is palpable.  To feel trapped in your body and knowing that this isn’t the person that you are supposed to be. I don’t want to live a life of shame and always having the feeling of being less than. It is exhausting; analyzing every situation I am presented with to make sure my weight won’t be an issue. I have anxiety seeing people for the first time in years, or meeting new people in general. I think they are judging me for my weight and not seeing me.  Isn’t it so easy to judge someone that is obese as being lazy, or a glutton? I have become an expert at mapping my life in such a way that I avoid being confronted with my weight, but in doing so I have alienated myself, my friends and family. I avoid any activity with the word water in it, for fear of a bathing suit being involved.  I avoid theme parks for fear I am too big to fit on the rides, and I avoid being touched by people because I don’t want them to feel how big I am.

I know that I am an emotional/stress eater, and can say that I am addicted to food. I don’t see it as just fuel for my body; I see it as a hug when I am sad, a punching bag when I am angry, and a way out when I am depressed. I do suffer from depression and have been working with Dr. S for the past 5 years to work on these distorted views I have with food, and my body, and work through my depression. Over the years I have taken my creative outlets like music and theater and traded them in for food. My goal is to refocus my energy and work towards breaking my addiction with food. With Dr. S’s help, I am making small strides towards this goal becoming a reality.

I know that this is a lot to ask of someone that doesn’t know me to understand what this would mean for me and how truly ready I am for this. I am ready to put in the work and effort and finally see the positive results I have worked in vain for in the past. I am ready to start living the life I saw for myself and my family, one where I am not busy avoiding life, but one where I am busy experiencing everything it has to offer.

weighty issue

Today at 6pm I will sitting in a room with people very simallar to myself.

Some maybe worse off than me but the story is still the same.

My story is a long and very painful one, a story that I am ready to end.

I am going to a mandatory informational meeting for bariatric surgery here at OSU.

Some will scoff when they read this, think it is a cop out, that I am taking the easy way out.

Some may not think I need the surgery.

I want to say that I am not having the surgery as of today, but that is what this meeting is for, to inform you of this decision and tell you how to get from point A to point B.

I am not even sure how to write this post without it sounding like I am justifiying my decsion but the point is there is nothing to justify.

Here are the facts, I am 110 lbs over weight.

There I said it.

I am currently 240 lbs.

There I said that.

My body for years has been taking the abuse of my weight gain and this year is the first year that I have been really effected by it. When I was in school I really tried to excersice, but it hurt, not to mention I couldn't keep up. I went to a zumba class and can say that if I would have stayed I wouldn't have been able to walk to my car. Most people would say that was the effects of a "great" class but it wasn't like that. It wasn't a good burn or whatever you call it. I could barely hold myself up after 15 min of that class not to mention I couldn't breathe. I had to leave early because I was afraid if anyone caught me gasping for air the way I was they were going to call the squad. I thought it was just that instance but then I found myself breathing heavy after taking the stairs or walking in to work. I devloped tendonitis this year in my feet and ankles, something that still causes me problems. My feet, ankles and knees hurt all the time. I have started to avoid going places where I know I will be standing for long periods of time because of the pain afterwards. I pop anti-imflamatories like they are candy on some days.

I thought it was because of a more serious nature that this was happening to me but in the end it boils down to how would your body react if you where carrying a 110lbs person on your back.

I am ready to not be a prisonner of my own body, I want to be able to run around, dance, jump up and down, Shit, stand without the fear of collapse.

Today I am jittery, I don't know what to expect from this meeting. I mean this could be life changing and that is hard to wrap my head around that this could be me walking to the starting line.

I will let you know how this goes....





*I am only going to talk about the health side of it for now because the emotional aspect of this deserves a post in and of itself.