Love/Hate

I have a love/hate relationship with pregnancy dreams.

Last nights was a doozy.

I was at my Dad's house and that I had just woken up. There was a lot of hustle and bustle downstairs and I knew what it was for but I couldn't put it in to words. I woke up knowing I was pregnant, but husband urged me to take a test for proof, he wasn't anywhere to be seen so I wiped the sleep from my eyes and I went to the downstairs bathroom to test. I sat down peed on the stick and there it was, it was flashing "I am pregnant" I had to look at the test before it sunk in. I ran out of the bathroom, stick in hand and got dressed and ran out the door. I drove to husbands work and as I was walking in I put my had on my stomach and I thanked God for this gift.

I woke up before I got inside to tell him but I could still feel the elation radiating off me.

The dream had been so real that in my sleepy haze I questioned for a moment if I was still in it.

Then a dog licked my face and I was pulled out of my euphoric state to reality.

In reality I am in my tww, in reality I have been charting for 17 months with has resulted in no pregnancies, in reality sex has become something that is only done while ovulating (don't get me wrong it is still great just not as spontaneous), in reality, as hard as it is to admit, I am loosing my faith. God knows and that is why I admit on here.

Everyday I see stories of the maltreatment of a child or the death of child at the hands of a parent and I have to ask why? Why could they have a child and not me? Does God think I am going to be a terrible mother?

I always wake up feeling cold and alone when I have a dream like this. Not a good way to start the day...


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone