Monday, March 28, 2016
I have been pegged this before and have been guilty of pegging people in to this category.
These are friends that you have RIGHT NOW, the friendship ignites quickly and you become engulfed in each others everyday lives, like you were always meant to be there. But then, the kindling starts to break and char and as fast as the spark produced the flame it is gone.
This can literally happen overnight, on a Monday you are inseparable but by Thursday one of you has made the cut and other is left with the scab.
This happened once with one of my "best" friends, I will state for the purpose of this post that we are friends now, but it took years.
Long story short, we were bffs through high school, I went away to college, got super depressed, moved home, became super clinging and there may have been a late night call where I was sobbing because she took me off of her top 8 on myspace. I wasn't mentally and obviously emotionally in a good place in my life. So she made the cut, no contact, avoided me like the plague, which was problematic considering I was still friends with sister.
I remember writing her a therapeutic letter, and that was that, a few months or years later, I can't remember that this point I got a response and from then on we have been friends. Not like we were but that was ok.
This type of situation hurts, I am not sure if both parties hurt, I have never asked her, but from the the cut side it hurts like a mother.
I am finding myself in this same situation again, not as painful this time as frustrating.
This friend and I have been in and out of each others lives since I was a freshman in high school. He went through a divorce a few years ago, made a couple wrong choices and is now going through a very difficult time with the mother of his child, with whom he is divorcing.
I care about him, he has the biggest heart, works hard, and has wanted to be a family man since I can remember. When I found out about the trouble he was having with his soon to be ex wife, I reached out to him, just to make sure he was ok.
Facebook can deceive, everyone has seen that post that says, "may your life be as awesome as it is on Facebook" and in this instance, looks can be deceiving. They loving tagged each other in posts, poked fun at one another in loving jest, and I was SO excited when they announced they were pregnant, because like I said this kid has wanted to be a family man since I can remember.
Then the posts started to dwindle, and you would think with first baby mania, posts would be EVERYWHERE! Then I saw it "separated".
We have been talking for a few months, I am giving him baby advice, reminiscing about the past and my goal was to just provide a few minutes of escape for him everyday. And sometimes he would do the same for me, it was nice to have a new friend to discuss things with. I am friends with the people I work with but these friendships don't seem to extend past 8a-5p Monday-Friday, and the family I have down here doesn't really jump at the bit to include me in everything, and that is a whole other post. We all remember those days of new friendships though, and how excited you were when you both had something in common and could exchange facts about it and talk about it for hours. Those were the ties that bind really. Now, though it isn't a boy band or movie, we talk politics, relationships and about life in general.
But recently the cycle is starting again, the conversations are becoming one sided, the time between more expansive. Then they just stopped altogether.
Then the doubt starts, did I say something wrong, did I think our friendship was stronger than it really was? I will rack my brain and chide myself for saying this or that. Why am I so drop-able? So easily removed?
Maybe I shouldn't see this as a bad thing, maybe I am the person that comes in to your life when you need it and when you don't need me anymore I slowly fade away in to your scrapbook, if you are in to that sort of thing. A person you shelf until you need again.
O.M.G. maybe I am Mary effing Poppins! I mean I do have some pretty fabulous accessories and do break out in to random song. Although, I don't know a cockney chimney sweep named Bert, nor have I ever danced with penguins... life goals.
I guess my friendship has full-filled its purpose and the cut has already begun.
Friday, March 18, 2016
This year, actually if you want me to break it down it's 119 days... but who's counting, I turn the big
And I, like most twenty somethings on the eve of what for so long is thought of as "the end", have some mixed emotions.
I set myself up for disaster, I know that now, I am almost over the proverbial hill and think to myself "where are all the crazy wild times I am going to have to hide evidence of to my children?"
I sat in front of my tv, seeing "twenty somethings" living lives in places I had only dreamed of and wished time away, wanting so badly to BE them. I wanted to be the 7th friend, I wanted to be the ONE new love of Carrie and girls life. I know Carrie wasn't in her twenties, and was in fact terrified that they were stealing all the men, including Mr.Big. But I always felt like an old soul and Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte would see that.
I thought these scripted, staged experiences were what being in your twenties was all about, I thought I would find my small group of friends in a coffee shop somewhere talking about our latest exploits in sowing our wild oats, learning from each other all while looking fabulous!
We can all come to the conclusion that my twenties, along with a million others, were set ablaze when we realized the real world loves to watch you crash and burn... hard.
Ok, maybe I am being a little over dramatic, but I remember the naive few months before graduation and making big plans to move to NYC ..... then I saw how much a shoe box, split 5 ways cost. How the heck did Carrie do it? I googled rent controlled and nothing came up...
The gang at Central Perk faded in to the background and my twenties started to take on a form of its own, like nature intended.
As the numbers are dwindling on my twenties and I am about to start a new chapter, I often find myself in contemplative remembrance, thinking about the sheer magnitude of it all.
In my twenties I got my first "big girl" job and learned about the golden handcuffs.
In my twenties I married the love of my life.
In my twenties I lived in my first house that was not only my own, but it was the first time I lived free of being connected by walls to neighbors.
In my twenties I learned to accept people for who they are instead of grieving who they aren't.
In my twenties I learned the importance of being smart with your money.
In my twenties I finally took charge of my depression, got help and took charge of my disease.
In my twenties I felt real heart break.
In my twenties I learned I can do this on my own, but choose not too.
In my twenties I finally saw myself as beautiful.
In my twenties I learned that my body is able,
In my twenties my focus completely changed.
In my twenties I became less neurotic.
In my twenties I left home.
In my twenties I learned never leave home without putting on a little mascara and blush
In my twenties I opened my self up to trying new trends that I thought were off limits for girls of my size.
In my twenties I almost left my husband, but stayed
In my twenties I almost lost my mom, but listened to my gut and got her to the hospital.
To say that my twenties were amazing would seem like small words. Nothing is big enough to talk about this chapter of my life. I can remember not being able to think outside of the 20-25 box and hard it hit me when I had to check 25-30. Something about being 30 makes me think I will finally be "of age" and finally an adult, maybe it's because I am closing in on how old my mom was when she had me. I am excited to put my check in another age range box, and want to show 30 what's up.