I never thought my depression would change so dramatically while pregnant, and here I was worried about PPD!
|via google images|
I am trying to figure it out.
Some people, myself included think that when you get some aspect of your life that you have wanted for a long time be it marriage, kids, weight loss, a new job, that the depression is magically going to disappear. Because you won in the end, you got what you wanted, you achieved a goal. If you have more than the blues though the depression doesn't go away, and that fact can send you spiraling even deeper in to your own depression hell.
The clues for me were always there but I didn't really figure it out until I got married. Only 3 years ago, how sad is that!?! I thought once I got married I would be walking around this new person, a complete and whole person. That didn't happen, I didn't take in to account how hard marriage actually is, partially because I had nothing to base it off of, just this built up fantasy in my head.
I wasn't any more whole than I was before I am became a Mrs. and that was a hard pill to swallow.
When I did get pregnant, something that I had always wanted, I didn't feel what I thought I would feel. I was elated but that faded, rather quickly. I chalked it up to not feeling well, then I had to have the surgery and then I still felt like crap and it was just a miserable time. I kept saying "next trimester will be better" or "once I stop feeling crappy I will be fine."
The issue is there is a high possibility that you can feel like crap the WHOLE time you are pregnant. I will admit that once the nausea and vomiting subsided my mood did improve but I was still struck with this depression so hard and so fast it would give a regular person a concussion.
My usual depressive moods come on... well... like a period. You know the few days before when you feel off but in a very familiar way? That is what an episode is like for me, but since becoming pregnant it comes out of no where and there isn't any... foreshadowing, in you will.
Take this very moment.
Yesterday husband I had a good day, we were really affectionate and actually ached to just hug each other. Those days when you are 10 years in to a relationship can be few and far between. But when I got home a switch flipped. We are having some work done on the house today and he had planned to clean all day yesterday and I said that I would give it my all to
help him when I got home. I walked through the door and hardly anything had been done and instead he started rambling off specks for a new deck. I held my tongue, and just walked away, one thing I am really trying to do is pick my battles with him and I still had a lot to do myself and knew if I fought with him I just wouldn't have the energy or drive to do anything. I went and laid down but felt like I had been sucker punched. It had happened, I was in an episode. I didn't want to move, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and be still. I wanted to watch the room grow to black and just sleep.
I didn't though, I got up and did my part and it made me feel better that I basically gave my depression the finger.
But then this morning, after getting a bad nights sleep, having to fight with husband to get up, and having to solely depend on him to get the list of to-dos done before noon, I am here again.
In this wretched place.
I will say a draw back at being pregnant and suffering from depression, at least for me, is that as quickly as I fall in to this I am that quick to pull out of it.
I worry what effect this has on the baby. I have always worried about my depression and how it will effect my child rearing and how these sometimes violent swings are effecting her now. After all, she feels what I feel.
I am just trying to be patient and waiting for the storm to pass, that's pretty much all i can do at this point.