Line in the sand

Present | Future

This is where I am right now, toes lined up and still I can't push myself to cross.

I can actually say that right now, I am happy where I am. This has never happened before, I am one that lived in "what ifs" and "what could have been".

I saw a post of Facebook that said "when you find yourself not looking to the past, you are doing something right." Ok in all honesty I am totally paraphrasing, it was early and I can't find it again but I know it was some artsy inspirational quote with a sunset background. I mean it did the job obviously, I sipping my coffee and I thought about it.

But now a new issue is at the forefront. The present | The future

I am living more presently than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I have made peace with my past and that in and of itself is HUGE for me, most people.

But now the future, where I used to dream and just see it as a place of possibility I am now hiding from.

The big THING that I can't seem to reconcile.... expanding our family.

I know! It is so crazy considering how many kids I want and how long we waited for Sarah. I can say that I am not surprised that we don't have a litter by now. Back to the point, Presently, I am so perfectly content with home life, the only thing I wish for everyday is more time, but I think every working parent has this same wish.

Sarah is absolutely blossoming, and turning in to a full blown, attitude filled toddler. To see her personality forming is amazing. I am going to stop here because I could write all day about how amazing my daughter is.

When I think about adding to our brood, I am not quite filled with excitement like I was when we were trying with Sarah. It is more anxiety, because I know I want more kids but where are the butterflies? The warm fuzzy feeling? We are still trying, and I would be beyond elated if it were to happen but the thought of going through everything pregnancy brings on top of working and still being a present mom for Sarah and present partner for Mr.G makes me fidget.

Can I really do it all?

I don't want to just go through the motions with my children/husband. I want to BE in the moment and remember this time. I want to make sure that when I go to bed at night I can say that I was the best mom/wife I could be that day.

I know these are all common fears and thoughts that most parents have. I just thought that having another baby would be a no brainier, no second thoughts. And in some moments I am so consumed with my want to hold a baby again that I think I am crazy for not being more proactive to make this happen. Husband wants to try and we have had the talk about timing and like I said we would be elated if it happened, I am just terrified it will throw this new found serenity I have in to a free fall.

Do I put my present at risk for the future I have always envisioned for myself?

Do I let go of the future I always planned for?

I don't have the answer yet, so I guess for now I am left toeing this line.