Coming or Going home?

This past spring, I went Home. 

Ohio.

There is a weight, proverbial or otherwise that is lifted when I cross that state line.

There is a song from the musical In the Heights called "When you're home"

Benny says to Nina:

Nina, everything is easier
When you’re home…
The street’s a little kinder when you’re home 

And lawd that rings true. Although there was a shift that happened this trip, a shift that made me feel like a visitor and not like a homecoming. 

I realized that I don't have a home there anymore, I mean I knew that I, as an individual and part of my family unit knew I didn't have a home there. My ENTIRE family still resides in Ohio and the "door is always open."  My dad hasn't been exactly thrilled with this move and when you add our marriage troubles on top of it, he would be here in a UHAUL within 24 hours if I gave him the green light. Knowing that, even keeping the knowledge buried in the deep, dark depths of my mind, it gave me some relief that we always would have a place to go if needed. 

This trip was different because it was just me and Sarah and I could see within the first day that living there would NEVER be an option. I could see the annoyance and frustration edging in to my dad's tone and face. Nothing against him, but a three year old, even on a good day could push you to the brink of your sanity. So that safety net that I had was gone. His house wasn't my childhood house or a soft place to land anymore, it was a place that you can't hit the blocks together because it was too loud. 

Seeing him and feeling that same anxiety at his house that I did when I would stay with him when I was growing up made it feel less like being home and more like being a bother or being intrusive. 

I found myself longing to be home, but then raising the question where is home?  Am I so superficial that I need a needle point pillow that says "Home is where my shit is" ? or is it where we have the roots to show for it. Can I still say that I have roots in Ohio and GASP! are my roots taking to SC?

Even typing that makes me feel like I am cheating on Ohio. 

I still dreaded leaving, but pulling in to my driveway and stepping out in to the warm, coastal air wasn't all that bad either. 

Putting a pen to paper... sort of.

I have started writing so many times and I know that this can be therapeutic but where do I start?

I know I need an outlet and I have this dusty, half-ass look in to my life sitting here with a bunch of "Drafts" just sitting there, partiality written and probably bound for the delete button.

It has been so long and so much has happened that this post could rival Tolstoy. So to catch everyone up and to give CPR to this... this... thing I am going to bullet point the shit out of my life for the past year.

Annnnnnnnd here we go:

1. I hate SC, this causes serious issues in  my marriage
2. I lost my job. this causes financial issues
3. I want to move back to Ohio, this causes issues in my marriage
4. I went thought a major depression that I wasn't sure I was going to make it out of it
5. Playing with make up can be especially therapeutic when you are depressed
6. Sarah, through all of this has become an amazing little kid. I can't believe how lucky I am to see this little girl grow up.
7. Came out of the depression, a little worse for wear but still intact
8. Husband and I FINALLY talked about future stuff and we are communicating again

there is plenty of other things that I could list, but I feel like those are the main points.

So look for more posts and maybe a blog face lift. It needs it more the Honey Boo Boo's mom since the weight loss. I get she needs a neck lift? But a lift is a lift right?