Down time.

I always say that I don't want to turn anyone off from reading my blog, but this is/can be a very personal glimpse in to my life and I feel like I would be lying to you if I made you think it was all care bear farts and rain bows. So when I do get like this I hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. It has been a week and I don't see it passing so I decided to do what you do with a blog and write about it. Although, this time it isn't so easy.

I am down you guys, really down.

I feel like things keep compounding and when I try to get a handle on one thing, another pops up. And to make matters worse I don't feel like this is a safe place anymore to write 100% every thing that is happening with me. I know people read this that don't follow me, but to do it and hurt someone in the process, someone that means a lot to me is just petty. I was used and my best friend was hurt. How do I find the inspiration to write on here when I feel like everything is now under a microscope? Waiting for some slip up or tid bit of information? I guess I should use a very wise woman's mentality "if you read this and get hurt, then you get hurt."

Lately I have been feeling less of myself.

Less of the friend I want to be
Less of the wife I want to be
Less of the Godly woman I want to be

I will not be talking of guilt, guilt is something I do well and often. With this though I want to not take the easy way out and say "Yeah,I feel really guilty about that." and, instead use better words to describe what is going on with me.

I feel like a bad friend. No, I know I am being a bad friend . I feel like I have lost sight of the friends that just last year I was inseparable from, the friends that were solid as rock. I feel a twinge of selfishness as I feel like I have been all me, me, me ,I ,I ,I and not taking the time to listen to what they are saying, or they aren't saying.

I have been so caught up in my own life that I feel like I have retreated from theirs and done the lazy thing and face book them how much I miss their face instead of seeing the face I miss so much, or give them my 15 minute break at work instead of calling after hours or heck, seeing them outside the work place.

Another notion that is plaguing me is I feel a little left behind too. which I know is simply silly and as I write it down and see the words in front of me, realize how silly it is. But, many of my friends are hopping on board the baby train and although I am so elated for each and everyone of them, their family, so much so that I could burst when I see them and their bumps. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. Jealous that it hasn't happened for me yet and at the same time terrified that it never will. Terrified doesn't do this feeling justice. There is one thing I know that I was meant to do in this world and it was to have a family. Now, how I get that family is completely in God's hands but I would be devastated if I could not carry my own. If something I did in my past crushes my future. Husband and I have not labeled it as trying, but we sure as heck aren't preventing. We haven't been for6 months now(I feel horrible writing that because I know for some people it takes years) and the fact that I all I have had was one tiny blip on the radar plants the seed of doubt and fear deeper in to my soul.

Husband and I are having issues, or more I am having issues with Husband. It is nothing marriage threatening or anything but is my own issue. I am embarrassed to talk about it and won't on here (damn that microscope), but I can talk to any of my friends about this, but not my husband. Like I said I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I don't know how to show him I love him. I am not a cuddler, a hand holder, a mushy talker even a hugger.I know that those things does not a happy marriage make. But it does help with the in between time, and that is what I am lacking in. I only know how to show him love in one way and when we are in that in between time, I feel cold and alone. I feel like I living with a room mate and not my husband. I don't know how to love him.

Several times on this blog I have talked about wanting to really strengthen my relationship with God. I have done a piss poor job of that. I always start out on said endeavors with the best intentions but never follow through. I see these women so deeply rooted in their faith and my heart aches for that kind of a connection with God. Oh, you lovely sisters that offer for me to go to Church or bible study, I love your eagerness to help on my journey and I thank you for always keeping the invitation open. I am in my own way on this one and for some reason, I can't move this mountain. I need to be in control of my own life and that is the mountain, it is my inability to just let go and leave it up to him. I mean it is anyway, but I feel so clouded with what I want that what is supposed to be can't be seen through the fog.

I am waiting for the clouds to clear and to see the daylight again. I know it is coming and hopefully and clear head and heart will be on the other side.