Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a big day.

I am quitting my job.

Like, never going back there again after March 9th.

The fear of leaving the warmth of my security blanket is almost suffocating. Not only do I have to worry about myself, but I have 2 other people (4 including my fur babies) that live under my roof, the roof that I signed a contract saying I would pay for it every month with my husband. The guilt I feel for not being a primary bread winner is almost as bad as the fear of losing it all.

My job has an ease that comes with being in the same position for so long, the problem is I am not challenged/stimulated and have become lazy and this isn’t fair to my coworkers, the company and most of all me. 

The relief is palpable but there is also a sheer, crippling terror that is taking its toll on me. Insomnia has reared its ugly head and I am lucky if I am asleep before 2 am. Today was the worst, I was supposed to go take my placement tests and I had a mini panic attack.

Math and I don't get along, I am good in every other subject but Math. And the fact that I had to take a test regarding my worst subject and the anxiety that I am feeling was too much.

I started reviewing for my test and it wasn't clicking, answers were wrong, formulas weren't flowing and the dam broke. Suddenly everything was wrong, my school choice, quitting, taking this test...pretty much my life in general. I couldn't get my head around anything, I felt so out of control of everything and decided that it was to much to take in.

I rescheduled my test for Monday and I cried for being weak.

This is all I ever wanted, quit this terrible job, go to school full time, so why does it feel like this is a huge mistake?

As I am typing my hands are hot and clammy and all I want to do is sleep and wake up and it be March 9th.

My boss is an ass and I so afraid that I turn this in and he says pack your things and go.

I will be upset because I don't want the past 6 years of my life to be dismissed like that.

wish me luck....

Scared

Something happened to me today that scared me so badly, I was almost inconsolable when I was telling my husband what happened. Today was the first day since early last week that I have felt like a human being, so for a Monday it was turning out to be a pretty good day. 

The only thing is I started my lady time yesterday with some mild cramps and some spotting… nothing to write home about.

Today I was in the full swing of things… nothing unusual here. 

I ate breakfast at about 10am and it something that I have on a regular basis so again, nothing away from the norm. On Mondays because it is a class day, I usually forgo lunch and grab something before class so I am not super shaky driving home. Again, noting unusual.

About 2:15 I am hit with cramps that quickly become debilitating, I am doubled over in pain and it is getting hard to even breathe through. On top of this I begin to shake uncontrollably and my arms and legs become heavy and difficult to move.  I become overly hot and feel as if I am going to vomit and pass out, of course while I am trying to assess what is happening, I get a phone call. I take the call and everything is fuzzy, it is hard to understand and it is hard to move my fingers to key in the order.  I feel as if I am being pushed to the ground and I try to stand up and I physically can’t. 

At this point I am freaking the fuck out. I thought I was having a stroke or something.

I think maybe I need to eat something, but I can’t walk to the break room to pop my popcorn so I ask a coworker to please do it.  She returns and the smell makes me gag, but I force it down, but the simple act of moving my arm up to my mouth is exhausting and I can barely hold my hand steady.

I have had my blood sugar drop before but nothing as violent as this is. I felt out of control of my body and all I could feel was the pain of my cramps because it was so over whelming.

I call my mom in tears and tell her what is happening and I that I am really scared.  I am nervous to try to drive home because I am so shaky.  I take a lap around the office and decide to take a scenic route home so I can pull off to the side of the road if need be. She stayed on the phone with me the whole way home as I cried and took the 30 minute drive home. 

Once home my husband walked in and I broke down again and I told him what happened and he held me because I was still so shaken up and weak. 

Still 2 hours later I am exhausted. My muscles are still weak and feel like I have been up for 48 hours.

Needless to say, I am looking for a doctor so I can get some tests run. I have no idea what that was but it genuinely scared me in to being proactive. What if that happens while I am driving? Watching Gabe or home alone?

Sick day

I have been sick more in the past six months than I have in the past 2 years.

I am going to blame having to be outside more than 5 minutes a day with the whole walking to class aspect, and having my mom move in. She works at a hospital and is probably crawling with new types of germs that my little immune system can't handle.

So here is to hoping I can kick this sooner rather than later (raises glass of orange juice)


Cheers.