Tomorrow

Tomorrow is a big day.

I am quitting my job.

Like, never going back there again after March 9th.

The fear of leaving the warmth of my security blanket is almost suffocating. Not only do I have to worry about myself, but I have 2 other people (4 including my fur babies) that live under my roof, the roof that I signed a contract saying I would pay for it every month with my husband. The guilt I feel for not being a primary bread winner is almost as bad as the fear of losing it all.

My job has an ease that comes with being in the same position for so long, the problem is I am not challenged/stimulated and have become lazy and this isn’t fair to my coworkers, the company and most of all me. 

The relief is palpable but there is also a sheer, crippling terror that is taking its toll on me. Insomnia has reared its ugly head and I am lucky if I am asleep before 2 am. Today was the worst, I was supposed to go take my placement tests and I had a mini panic attack.

Math and I don't get along, I am good in every other subject but Math. And the fact that I had to take a test regarding my worst subject and the anxiety that I am feeling was too much.

I started reviewing for my test and it wasn't clicking, answers were wrong, formulas weren't flowing and the dam broke. Suddenly everything was wrong, my school choice, quitting, taking this test...pretty much my life in general. I couldn't get my head around anything, I felt so out of control of everything and decided that it was to much to take in.

I rescheduled my test for Monday and I cried for being weak.

This is all I ever wanted, quit this terrible job, go to school full time, so why does it feel like this is a huge mistake?

As I am typing my hands are hot and clammy and all I want to do is sleep and wake up and it be March 9th.

My boss is an ass and I so afraid that I turn this in and he says pack your things and go.

I will be upset because I don't want the past 6 years of my life to be dismissed like that.

wish me luck....