Again

I never thought I would be in this place again, ok I did know I would be here but just not so soon.

I am ready to be pregnant again.

I know, I am crazy. If I were to get pregnant tomorrow, I would have two under two for about 60 days.

But I can't lie to you.

Blame it on on the cute bumps and cute little cheeks that have been surrounding me lately. Or the real fact, that I am scared.

Scared that it is going to take another 2 years for me to get pregnant.

That was such a hard time, on me, on my husband and our marriage.

When husband and I first started to talk about babies we knew we didn't want a lot of space between, 3 years max.

Why would I want to do this to myself?

We both have at least 5 years between us and our sibling (husband has 5 and I have a whopping 8), and although we are all adults we will never be on the same level. I have a marriage, a mortgage and a child but to my brother I will always be the baby, which is fine to a point.

I don't mind being the "baby", with my brother there is a sense of protectiveness that comes with the territory. But when I want to speak to him as an equal, it just doesn't happen. He keeps me at a distance like parents do their children.

Husband runs in to the same issue with his sister more than his brother but my point is, it's annoying.

So wanted kids all around the same age, they can be in school together, the same activities and so on and so forth.

So here we are again, throwing caution to the wind and I am left looking at one line. The difference this time is, when I see that line, I am sad for a second and then my baby cries and I am over it.

But for that moment, all the feelings for two years of heart ache overwhelm me. I think not again, I pray not again, and get scared.

Husband asked me to be ok with one, if that is what we end up having. Our one, perfect little girl. I didn't say yes because I know I would be heart broken if Sarah was an only child, I wouldn't feel complete. I would really try, but like I said I can't lie to you, I would feel like a puzzle missing a piece. But then guilt runs through my veins when I think that, this is me saying Sarah isn't enough. I had to put a different spin on it though, it isn't that Sarah isn't enough it's just that I don't want her to be alone, because there will be a time where she will be alone.


My maternal Grandmother passed away 7/4/14. There was a tender moment between my mother and her siblings where they were standing at her casket and the sisters were holding each other and then my bear of an uncle walked over, stretched out his arms and hugged them all. That is the moment I think about, Yes, God willing, Sarah will get married and have children of her own but this whole part of her life, her childhood would be gone with my husband and I. No one to say "hey, remember the time you stuck a hot dog in the VCR?" or "hey remember when we did that crazy thing we did?" Siblings are like war buddies, through the trenches that is childhood.

With that being said, we are trying again, I don't like that term, so lets say we are dreaming right now. Dreaming right now of becoming a family of 4.