south carolinian

It's official.

As of March 23rd, 2015 I will be a resident of South Carolina.

I am still in shock that this is happening so quickly but at the same time I keep thinking to myself that it maybe better that I am ripping the band-aid.

There is so much to do and so little time to do it in, I am making lists out the wazoo and still crying every once in a while.

It hits me in waves.

I think about the warm weather, the beach, having weekends/holidays off and obtaining this goal that I set for myself and I am no cloud nine.

then it hits me that in a few weeks I will probably never step foot in my first home again, the home that we brought Sarah home too, where she learned to crawl and learned to walk. That I won't be staying at home with her anymore, that I can honestly say that I have no idea when we will be a family of three under one roof again, that she may not "remember" Matthew when she does see him.

Before my interview I found myself alone, at my dad's house, sitting in the quiet and profoundly drawn to scripture. I was surprised myself because I am not that person.

I prayed for a calm heart and a steady voice, to find the right words and for calm of my nerves

I found this:

 I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I wrote it on a piece of paper so I could read it.

I repeated to myself as the all came in.

Never have I found truer words to be spoken.

I have this hanging in my bathroom so I can read it every morning, noon and it is the last thing I see before I go to sleep.

This is happening for a reason, and it may not be clear yet, but I know it is in his plan for me.

Everybody does it.

A lot is happening, could be happening.

Husband is from the south, hence the blog title, and when we got married I always promised we would move. He made the move north for me so I would reciprocate the favor, the only hitch was I wanted to stay until I had our first baby. He agreed, I mean it would have been my first pregnancy and I wanted to be around my family and friends.

That time has come and gone and our "baby" (I use "" because she is a full blown toddler now), is almost 2 and we are talking about number 2 (did you think poo? I almost rewrote that line because I started to chuckle at number 2.... I am almost 30) and I would be lying if the allure of the warmer weather and beach proximity wasn't tempting.

I just knew it would happen this way and just prayed that it wouldn't, that he would prove me wrong this time.

I want to preface this with I love my husband, so much it hurts.

With that being said.

I know he moved here for me and I have been nothing but supportive about moving for him.

I have given up school twice because WE needed me to work full time
I have given up working in a department where myself and my work was appreciated and we all got along and really enjoyed each other.
and now I am putting myself up for a job that would see me giving up staying home with Sarah and it hurts so much I can't even type this without tearing up.

I know everything happens for a reason, without quitting school and getting the job at OSU, I may have never of gotten pregnant, if I didn't already work at OSU I may have never gotten the job that allowed me to stay at home with Sarah.

But giving up staying at home with her is almost too much.

I am up for a job at a hospital in SC. I would move down there, with Sarah, and live with my in laws.

I was just hoping that for once, our major life changing event didn't depend solely on me.

He says if I am this miserable about the thought of leaving then I shouldn't take the job, but how can I not? He would never forgive me, nor would his family for passing on this opportunity.

I am between a rock and hard place that is covered with rusty nails.

I keep telling myself, most mothers work, you can do this.

But everything in my body is aching and my heart is fighting me, screaming at me to stay with my baby.

Everybody does it.

Everybody does it.

You can do this.

Breathe.