I always say that I don't want to turn anyone off from reading my blog, but this is/can be a very personal glimpse in to my life and I feel like I would be lying to you if I made you think it was all care bear farts and rain bows. So when I do get like this I hunker down and wait for the storm to pass. It has been a week and I don't see it passing so I decided to do what you do with a blog and write about it. Although, this time it isn't so easy.
I am down you guys, really down.
I feel like things keep compounding and when I try to get a handle on one thing, another pops up. And to make matters worse I don't feel like this is a safe place anymore to write 100% every thing that is happening with me. I know people read this that don't follow me, but to do it and hurt someone in the process, someone that means a lot to me is just petty. I was used and my best friend was hurt. How do I find the inspiration to write on here when I feel like everything is now under a microscope? Waiting for some slip up or tid bit of information? I guess I should use a very wise woman's mentality "if you read this and get hurt, then you get hurt."
Lately I have been feeling less of myself.
Less of the friend I want to be
Less of the wife I want to be
Less of the Godly woman I want to be
I will not be talking of guilt, guilt is something I do well and often. With this though I want to not take the easy way out and say "Yeah,I feel really guilty about that." and, instead use better words to describe what is going on with me.
I feel like a bad friend. No, I know I am being a bad friend . I feel like I have lost sight of the friends that just last year I was inseparable from, the friends that were solid as rock. I feel a twinge of selfishness as I feel like I have been all me, me, me ,I ,I ,I and not taking the time to listen to what they are saying, or they aren't saying.
I have been so caught up in my own life that I feel like I have retreated from theirs and done the lazy thing and face book them how much I miss their face instead of seeing the face I miss so much, or give them my 15 minute break at work instead of calling after hours or heck, seeing them outside the work place.
Another notion that is plaguing me is I feel a little left behind too. which I know is simply silly and as I write it down and see the words in front of me, realize how silly it is. But, many of my friends are hopping on board the baby train and although I am so elated for each and everyone of them, their family, so much so that I could burst when I see them and their bumps. I would be lying if I said I wasn't jealous. Jealous that it hasn't happened for me yet and at the same time terrified that it never will. Terrified doesn't do this feeling justice. There is one thing I know that I was meant to do in this world and it was to have a family. Now, how I get that family is completely in God's hands but I would be devastated if I could not carry my own. If something I did in my past crushes my future. Husband and I have not labeled it as trying, but we sure as heck aren't preventing. We haven't been for6 months now(I feel horrible writing that because I know for some people it takes years) and the fact that I all I have had was one tiny blip on the radar plants the seed of doubt and fear deeper in to my soul.
Husband and I are having issues, or more I am having issues with Husband. It is nothing marriage threatening or anything but is my own issue. I am embarrassed to talk about it and won't on here (damn that microscope), but I can talk to any of my friends about this, but not my husband. Like I said I am embarrassed. I am embarrassed that I don't know how to show him I love him. I am not a cuddler, a hand holder, a mushy talker even a hugger.I know that those things does not a happy marriage make. But it does help with the in between time, and that is what I am lacking in. I only know how to show him love in one way and when we are in that in between time, I feel cold and alone. I feel like I living with a room mate and not my husband. I don't know how to love him.
Several times on this blog I have talked about wanting to really strengthen my relationship with God. I have done a piss poor job of that. I always start out on said endeavors with the best intentions but never follow through. I see these women so deeply rooted in their faith and my heart aches for that kind of a connection with God. Oh, you lovely sisters that offer for me to go to Church or bible study, I love your eagerness to help on my journey and I thank you for always keeping the invitation open. I am in my own way on this one and for some reason, I can't move this mountain. I need to be in control of my own life and that is the mountain, it is my inability to just let go and leave it up to him. I mean it is anyway, but I feel so clouded with what I want that what is supposed to be can't be seen through the fog.
I am waiting for the clouds to clear and to see the daylight again. I know it is coming and hopefully and clear head and heart will be on the other side.
Monday, December 20, 2010
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Better
I am better than yesterday. I think the combination of no sleep, an achy body and just being stressed out got the better of me. Sometimes you just have to get it out to really look at the issue and try to work it out.
In all honesty I know Mr. G is going to make this Christmas special for me and I know how much my new family is going to love having us both there to celebrate. I also threw myself in to holiday decorating, I figured If I wanted to catch the holiday fever I was going to have to expose myself to it. I will take pics of my newly decked halls this weekend when we are truly settled in to our new home.
It is really funny to say that still "our new home", it will hit you in waves because everything is a first and is so new.
Things I have learned in the short time I have lived in my house:
1. I suck at parking in a garage day one I almost took the back end of my car off because I was paranoid I was going to pull in to far and bust through the wall in the dinning room. Last night I did pull in to far and tapped or old microwave that is in the garage right now. Funny part is we even have one of those STOP signs hanging from the wall.
2. Communication has been impaired for hubs and I. We are yellers, and I don't mean in a "we fight all the time" way I mean in a you are in the other room and I don't want to get up and tell you what I have to tell you so I will yell it to you. At our old place you were only a stairwell away now he could be in the basement, the office, the garage. There are just so many more places to be, that I see under the same roof texting in my future.
3. it is hard to dress for a new house. At our old house I knew it was cold, the only room that wasn't freezing was the office. I knew that if I was cold and the heat kicked on I needed to sit on the chaise part of our sofa or on the far right had side, those got the best heat. I knew that when I went to bed, I had to dress for the Arctic circle, sweat pants, hoodie, tee shirt, socks, but now that is all out the window. I can't get comfortable! I haven't found the perfect comfy clothing combo to not be freezing or dying of heat stroke.
4. Hard wood floors are hell for my knees and ankles. I am forcing myself to be a slipper wearer because it gives me some form of support. When we decorated the tree, by the end of it I could barely walk, hence the sore body yesterday.
I am still not sleeping well, at 10 or so I will get this sudden burst of energy and can't come down from it until like 1 or so. I would love to take a tyneol PM but I haven't unpacked it yet, DRAT!!!
In all honesty I know Mr. G is going to make this Christmas special for me and I know how much my new family is going to love having us both there to celebrate. I also threw myself in to holiday decorating, I figured If I wanted to catch the holiday fever I was going to have to expose myself to it. I will take pics of my newly decked halls this weekend when we are truly settled in to our new home.
It is really funny to say that still "our new home", it will hit you in waves because everything is a first and is so new.
Things I have learned in the short time I have lived in my house:
1. I suck at parking in a garage day one I almost took the back end of my car off because I was paranoid I was going to pull in to far and bust through the wall in the dinning room. Last night I did pull in to far and tapped or old microwave that is in the garage right now. Funny part is we even have one of those STOP signs hanging from the wall.
2. Communication has been impaired for hubs and I. We are yellers, and I don't mean in a "we fight all the time" way I mean in a you are in the other room and I don't want to get up and tell you what I have to tell you so I will yell it to you. At our old place you were only a stairwell away now he could be in the basement, the office, the garage. There are just so many more places to be, that I see under the same roof texting in my future.
3. it is hard to dress for a new house. At our old house I knew it was cold, the only room that wasn't freezing was the office. I knew that if I was cold and the heat kicked on I needed to sit on the chaise part of our sofa or on the far right had side, those got the best heat. I knew that when I went to bed, I had to dress for the Arctic circle, sweat pants, hoodie, tee shirt, socks, but now that is all out the window. I can't get comfortable! I haven't found the perfect comfy clothing combo to not be freezing or dying of heat stroke.
4. Hard wood floors are hell for my knees and ankles. I am forcing myself to be a slipper wearer because it gives me some form of support. When we decorated the tree, by the end of it I could barely walk, hence the sore body yesterday.
I am still not sleeping well, at 10 or so I will get this sudden burst of energy and can't come down from it until like 1 or so. I would love to take a tyneol PM but I haven't unpacked it yet, DRAT!!!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
a case of the bah-hum bugs
whiny post ahead.
This happened last year too but for a totally different reason.
In the effort to be as fair as possible Husband and I decided that we would alternate who's house we go to for the holidays. This is really the best solution and it is the fairest, at the time I was 100% behind our decision and gave us a little pat on the back for being so adult about it.
But now as the days are counting down to Christmas, I can say that I am not looking forward to it.
To clear the air am I looking forward to seeing the G family, I am looking forward to going out of town, and I am very looking forward to not being at work.
I am not sure how Mr. G did it, this time last year, me getting all excited and decorating and talking about "my family traditions" and blah blah blah, all the while he probably was feeling home sick. I know I already am and we are 18 days out.
This year is such a mix of emotion. We are so excited to be celebrating Christmas in our new home but as quickly as we moved in we are leaving for a week.
We bought a huge Christmas tree - one that the Griwolds would be proud of, but after it was in I just sat there and looked at it and said "what's the point?"I look around our new home and then look at my tub of Christmas cheer and grumble to myself. There is still so much to be done with the house do I really want to add putting up and taking down Christmas decorations? I can already tell you the answer to that.... no.
My family is broken and because of that we will be having 2 Christmas's none of which were elected to be in our home, I mean I am totally ok with not having to cook for a bunch of people but that would have be cause for me to decorate a little more.
Contradictory to what I said I am interested in to see the G's Christmas, see what traditions we will have in our house, go to worship with them, and just see my Husbands Christmas. I have never had a Christmas with his family before so it is like being let in to a little part of his life that I have never been in before.
Husband can see it on my face, or through the tears I shed at Chipotle last week how hard this is going to be for me (in my defense I am PMSing), with that being said I feel like he isn't going to make any concessions to make this any easier. For instance, last year I knew he was missing his fam, he didn't have to tell me I could ready it on his face, in his eyes. So I thought in a bid to bring a little bit of home to him for Christmas I surprised him and I made his mom's breakfast casserole, even though it wasn't even close to as good as hers he was very appreciative.
I was hoping this gesture would be reciprocated but when I asked if it would be rude of me to maybe ask for Cinnamon rolls instead (my mom always stopped by Panera for some pastry delights or Cinnamon rolls) he said it would be and that I HAD to have the casserole... to bad I don't like sausage or scrambled eggs. I tried to plead my case that it wasn't to be rude but it was to remind me of home he said he would try but couldn't guarantee anything. Then just last night I said that I would be taking some of my favorite Christmas movies with me to watch while we were down there one being The Muppet's Christmas Carol, his response was he hated the muppets and I finally said "I don't care if you watch it with me or not, I am watching it."
I know he isn't doing it to be mean, or rude he is just THAT excited to be going home for Christmas, I just wish he would use his past experience and be a little more sympathetic towards what I am going to go through this year.
ok I am not tired of my own whining...
This happened last year too but for a totally different reason.
In the effort to be as fair as possible Husband and I decided that we would alternate who's house we go to for the holidays. This is really the best solution and it is the fairest, at the time I was 100% behind our decision and gave us a little pat on the back for being so adult about it.
But now as the days are counting down to Christmas, I can say that I am not looking forward to it.
To clear the air am I looking forward to seeing the G family, I am looking forward to going out of town, and I am very looking forward to not being at work.
I am not sure how Mr. G did it, this time last year, me getting all excited and decorating and talking about "my family traditions" and blah blah blah, all the while he probably was feeling home sick. I know I already am and we are 18 days out.
This year is such a mix of emotion. We are so excited to be celebrating Christmas in our new home but as quickly as we moved in we are leaving for a week.
We bought a huge Christmas tree - one that the Griwolds would be proud of, but after it was in I just sat there and looked at it and said "what's the point?"I look around our new home and then look at my tub of Christmas cheer and grumble to myself. There is still so much to be done with the house do I really want to add putting up and taking down Christmas decorations? I can already tell you the answer to that.... no.
My family is broken and because of that we will be having 2 Christmas's none of which were elected to be in our home, I mean I am totally ok with not having to cook for a bunch of people but that would have be cause for me to decorate a little more.
Contradictory to what I said I am interested in to see the G's Christmas, see what traditions we will have in our house, go to worship with them, and just see my Husbands Christmas. I have never had a Christmas with his family before so it is like being let in to a little part of his life that I have never been in before.
Husband can see it on my face, or through the tears I shed at Chipotle last week how hard this is going to be for me (in my defense I am PMSing), with that being said I feel like he isn't going to make any concessions to make this any easier. For instance, last year I knew he was missing his fam, he didn't have to tell me I could ready it on his face, in his eyes. So I thought in a bid to bring a little bit of home to him for Christmas I surprised him and I made his mom's breakfast casserole, even though it wasn't even close to as good as hers he was very appreciative.
I was hoping this gesture would be reciprocated but when I asked if it would be rude of me to maybe ask for Cinnamon rolls instead (my mom always stopped by Panera for some pastry delights or Cinnamon rolls) he said it would be and that I HAD to have the casserole... to bad I don't like sausage or scrambled eggs. I tried to plead my case that it wasn't to be rude but it was to remind me of home he said he would try but couldn't guarantee anything. Then just last night I said that I would be taking some of my favorite Christmas movies with me to watch while we were down there one being The Muppet's Christmas Carol, his response was he hated the muppets and I finally said "I don't care if you watch it with me or not, I am watching it."
I know he isn't doing it to be mean, or rude he is just THAT excited to be going home for Christmas, I just wish he would use his past experience and be a little more sympathetic towards what I am going to go through this year.
ok I am not tired of my own whining...
Monday, December 6, 2010
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