getting back on track

You saw in my happening post that I lost just about 50lbs from the birth of Sarah (summer 2013) to last summer.

Y'all I wore shorts in public.

I haven't done that since I was a senior in high school, 10 very long years ago.

Anyway, I knew I had taken a huge chunk out of my weight loss goal, but still had a ways to go.

I did it through weight watchers but the cost of monthly meetings was becoming a burden, so I had to stop my monthly membership after about 5 months.

I was golden until the holidays hit, actually until Christmas.

I had put on about 5 (or so) lbs before Christmas but I thought I could handle that number and as soon as the holidays were over I would knock it out like before.

Well on Christmas I got in to a hand to mandolin fight and I totally lost. I cut the tip and most of my nail off of my middle finger on my right hand.

It wasn't terrible, considering where I work I see people loose whole hands, arms, legs, you name it. It was just very, very painful.

Anyway, I got really depressed afterward. I couldn't do anything with my hands with out a white hot pain shooting through my hand. Let me tell you something, do you know how much you hit your hands during the day? Or how drawn to a bandaged finger a toddler can be? Or how hard it is to change a diaper with a bum finger?

I know it sounds silly to get down and out about a finger that was going to heal and be fine but I did. And how did I wallow in my depression, with cookies, and fudge and ice cream.

Seriously, I am surprised I made it out of 2014 not being a diabetic.

Anyway, I have now gained, what I feel like is 15 lbs, I don't weigh myself unless it is an utter last resort. All I know is the jeans that I was running through fields in July because they fit, I can't even button any more.

So I sat down and devised a plan.

I really need to get my body and mind in check. I don't want to be on a diet forever, and I don't want to pay for weekly weigh ins forever too.

I want to make healthier choices and see my daughter make those same choices.

Guys, she actually brought me a bag of potato chips a couple weeks ago and I about died.

I know you guys have seen numerous posts just like this, but this is bigger than me, it's so my daughter grows up with a positive mentality towards healthy choices instead of a love affiar with twinkes. Seriously, my mom's motto is "I never met a twinkie that told me I was a bad person."

And we wonder why I have problems with food.

Guilt

Can we take a moment to talk about guilt.

More specifically, mom guilt.

Not to be confused with the guilt your mother made you feel for not cleaning your room or something, that is an art form that will be learned in time. No I am talking about the all consuming guilt that you are a terrible mother.

I know I can't be the only one out there that feels this way.

This week was super challenging at home with Sarah. Her sleep has been off, she is getting really frustrated with her lack of communication and I am pretty sure she is getting a mad case of cabin fever. By mid week she was a screaming, crying mess and I was at my wits end with her.

It hit me like a ton of bricks on Thursday, I had had a night of terrible sleep and had been up since 2 am. Little miss woke up an hour and a half earlier than usual which I knew would throw off her whole day and it did.

My patience is something to be desired and is something that I work on daily because, lets face it, people with no patience are usually assholes and I know I get this way, I hate to admit it, with Sarah. I feel terrible and I try to correct myself when I feel like I am getting overwhelmed but Thursday I had nothing.

She would take my hand and walk me in to the kitchen, and just scream. I gave her juice, she threw it. I made her breakfast, and she smeared it all over the table and fed a great amount to the dogs. I yelled, I refused my hand to her. I am trying my damnedest to point and say what things are hoping she will pick it up and finally say "juice", "snack","bowl", "cereal"... anything. But instead she just screams.

Sarah is 19 months old and has yet to say an actual word, she says Bah Bah for bye bye, and bab for baby, Si for yes (no idea where she picked that up) and Di for done.

She hasn't just looked at a ball and said "ball" and for that I feel like I have failed her in some way. I tried, early on to incorporate reading time in to our daily schedule but she would have none of it. She would rather be running around climbing on something.

That day, the day of her screaming, and my patience wearing thin, I can honestly say that once my husband got home I went upstairs and only came back down to make dinner. I needed a break from her and the rest of my family. I mean I actually missed her, sitting up in bed looking at pictures of her I missed her. Then I would hear her scream and I knew I just had to be away from it for a while.

I begged, pleaded and prayed for that little mini me, just like I am for our second. And the weight of the guilt I feel when I admit that I "needed a break" from her is more than atlas feels holding the earth. I mean a perfect mom wouldn't need a break, she would be, first of all showered with a bra on, but filled with an awesome amount of calm and grace that I just don't have on a day to day.

I know some of her behavior was in response to mine and I just kept repeating to myself when I was upstairs, alone, "tomorrow is another day".

... I woke up with a new hope after a great nights sleep and she was just as cranky as before.

So what did we do, WE DANCED!

I figure if you can't beat um, dance with them instead.

happening

I don't even know where to start.

Well, I guess for starters I could say that I actually had to look up when I wrote last because it has been so long.

I thought I would do an update of sorts before I delve completely in to blogging again because I want to delve in to blogging again.

Here it goes, everything since 7/19/2014:

-I have a full blown toddler on my hands guys, a  climbing, babbling, running, dancing, eating everything, in to everything toddler. I don't know how it happened, it seems like yesterday that she was this squishy, stationary, completely and utterly dependent on me baby. And how she only really wants me around to get her snacks and juice.

- Husband and I are STILL trying, have been since last January. I terrifies me to think of becoming a family of 4 but the thought of pregnancy, labor, delivery and adding to our family is electricity running through me, I honestly can't wait to go through it again.

- Husband got a new job then went back to his old one, it wasn't easy for him to back track but the new job wasn't working out and the old job offered him even more money so he decided to go for it.

-I lost almost 50 lbs! I have gained about 15 back but lawd I am going to buckle down and get those off plus some. My goal is to be a size 16 for my birthday!

-Got a total mom hair cut, its short, highlighted and sassy. Husband hates it but I love it and am going to keep it around for a while.

-I got even more super nerdy glasses, the bigger the better right?


that is about it. I guess that is why I stopped blogging in the first place, my life is in a suspended state. There is no wedding to plan, baby growing (yet), no house to decorate, so I thought I had nothing to really talk about anymore. But I need something for me, over these past few months I have realized that I have let myself become that mom, the one that goes to the store without a bra (not really, my boobs would be outta control), sweat pants on and unbathed for days. I have lost ME which, I hear is very easy to do when you are a new mom.

So here is to a new year and a new lease on this old blog!

2 week wait

For anyone trying to conceive and hasn't had any luck, this two week waiting period is the absolute worst. 

Are you or Aren't you? 

I honestly try to never get my hopes up, but I find myself day dreaming about the morning I will take my test and it being positive. 

Hasn't happened in a year and I can say that it is beginning to weigh on me. 

My biggest fear with trying to conceive is that because we never got tested before, that there is something wrong with one or both parties and Sarah is our miracle baby and we didn't even know it. My doc keeps saying "we know you can get pregnant, you have before" I mean do we really know that? Husband and I aren't in the best shape but we don't have any glaring health issues. I know with women the slightest thing can throw your fertility through a loop but I had a regular cycle and was ovulating. 

At my annual check up last year my doc asked me if I wanted to re-up my birth control and I declined. I told her that because it took us so long with Sarah we wanted to start sooner rather than later. She told me if I hadn't conceived by my next appointment then she wants to start testing because "we know you are get pregnant, you have before". 

So here we are 6 months left until we talk testing.

I am currently in my 2 week wait and I am trying so hard not to read in to anything, compare notes from when I did get pregnant, but I want something, so indicator that our bodies got it right this time. 

Here's hoping for an October baby!