My M.O.

Last week one of the blogs that I follow talked about guilt. And for reals that is my M.O. I feel guilty more in my life than I would like to admit but that is how I am hard wired so I have to deal with it. I think we all feel the cold hand of guilt, as women we naturally do. It was funny, last friday was the annual celebration of my birth and I took the day off of work (totally didn't feel guilty for that) but on Thursday night I went over to my dad's house for some party supplies and had a little to much to drink. Now, when I drink, like most I get verbal diehrrea, and no one is safe. I made a comment that completely blind sided my husband and when we got home, even in my inebriated state could tell something was wrong.

Me (hanging up the phone from my second drunk dial of the evening): What is wrong?

Hubs: You lied to me.

Me: Whaaaaaaaaat!?!

Hubs: You lied to me about moving...

then came the water works.

I completely broke down and every single thing that I had been feeling guilty about came out. It was a good release but I know was a lot for husband to take in all at once because there was a lot I talked about.

The next morning I recalled what had happened and really thought about everything I had said and it was still true that morning, it wasn't just a heightened sense of everything, that morning I was still feeling 100% guilty about everything that I had said. So I decided to get everything down on paper so I can look at everything:

I feel guilty:
that I told husband I would move when in all honesty I don't want to
that the house isn't always clean
that I am depressed
that I am not the wife I thought I would be
that I am tired all the time
that I want everything now
that I am hard on him
that I am hard on myself
that I am fat
that I can't seem to get motivated to get un fat
that my sex drive isn't what it used to be
that I still resent his upbringing
that I am still mad at my 81 year old Grandma
that I promised to further my relationship with God, but haven' been to church in a month
that what I have is never enough
that I have a temper
that I don't put a home cooked meal on the table every night
that I am a broken person
that I can't stand up to my family
that I feel so dag gone guilty all the time.

that is just the guilt I felt on that Friday.

That is a lot of feeling for one emotion.

What are you feeling guilty about today?

and how do you deal with it?