240

This is hard number to swallow. A hard number to accept.


For years I have struggled with my weight, I have tried countless diets, exercise plans and all I gained was more weight and a chip on my shoulder. Not to mention after each failure I was pulled further and further in to the dark as to what I should do about my weight, so much so I even turned to buliema as an answer to my problem.

I got a handle on that and can proudly say that I haven't binged or purged for over a year and half!

I didn't want to go to therepy last Monday because I didn't think I had anything to talk about and I didn't want to have to pull for stuff. Kitty knows about my meeting and my intentions regarding the surgery and she listens with a air of caution becaue she doesn't want me to fail. We started talking about what I can do now to make adjustments that will make the life changes nessacary for the surgery more sucessfull and some of the basics were remove myself from a situation that I would generally snack, like watching tv for hours and hours. She suggested watch a show, then get up and do something, then come back and watch something else. I also said that I needed to meal plan better and eat more frequently than I have been. I have the problem of comming home and sitting down to relax then by the time I do eat dinner I am ravenous and I eat 2 big portions. She said this was all good but not the answer she was looking for.

I need to come up with a plan for when I get depressed, sad, angry all my emotional triggers that have me running to food, I have to have a diverson in place so I don't eat.

I couldn't think of anything.

"you don't have anything else that makes you that happy?"

The tears came. She can always make me cry, shes like Oprah.

I realized in that moment how much I had lost myself in food.

I used to be interesting and fun, I used to sing, act, create, explore, enjoy life without food as a sole focus, but now all my joy in life comes from food.

 I do nothing that I used to do. I am not in a choir, nor am I doing anything to keep my insturment in working order, I haven't been on stage for 3 years, and I have reached boarder line hermit status. I am wasting the best years of my life sheltered and chained to food.

She suggested that I start taking voice lessons again or join a choir or better yet take a yoga class. That way I am killing 2 birds with one stone,  I have something to look foward during the week instead of my next meal and I am doing something that is just for me.

It was also discussed what do to about my home life. My husband works hard, he has a physical job and he is outside in the heat so I get his desire to come home and do nothing. The issue is I want to be where he is and partcipate with him so when he sits and vegs, I set sit and veg too. Because he does have a physical job he can snack, not as much as he does, but he can afford too because he is burning far more calories than I am sitting in a chair. The problem this poses is we are completly lop sided in our life styles, he is physical during the day and the evening is his resting time, whereas I am at rest all day and need to up the physical activity at night. This is hard when you need daily support. I know my mom is there to help but I really want my husband to be healthy too and have him on board with a healthier life style.

Kitty asked "what are you going to do when he is sitting on the couch with a bag of chips"

I paused and thought of the only thing I could "I would remove myself from the situation"

It made me sad, to say that I would remove myself from my husbands company. I told him this because there is already little space between us but I know that will close as we get our finances back on track and get in to the swing with both of us working again. But I crave closeness with him even more than food sometimes. So to make a knowing choice to not be around him when he doing his nightly routine is a hard one to make.

I know he supports this decision. He has seen me break down and deteriorate to what I am now, a self conscicence, mean, empty person. When we first met I was the one trying to pull him out of his comfort zone and try new things and now it is reverse.

240 is a big number. And I have accepted that as my number.... right now.

And as much as I tried I can't get out from under its weight anymore. Some days I was positive, I tried to tell myself that I was beautiful, that there is more to me than my fat. But that doesn't work for me, no dose of positive reinforcement can make me feel better about this body. I don't think there is anything wrong with that because this is so much more than it once was to me. Before I was loosing weight to fit a mold that I thought I had to, the one that society put out there. But now I want to fit in to the Katy mold, the one where I felt confident, comfortable, beautiful.

It has taken me a long time to see that my mold, is one of a kind, and that is what I want more than anything now.