Personal statement

Prior to surgery approval you have to fill out an application where they basically want you to lay out for them all your past diet failures, physical ailments and so on. I had no problem filing this out but the last page of the application wanted you to wrtie a personal statement as to why you are asking for the surgery.

This was possibly the hardest piece I have ever written. This has been such a personal struggle for me because my weight issues run so deep and so long that it was hard to choose what to include and how do I word it in a way that gets my point across.

I wanted to share this with you because even if this doesn't happen, I don't get approved or some other reason, it is still a very real possibilty and I want to document the journey. Even if the journey ends before it can really begin.

Here is my personal statement:

I am asking for this surgery because I want to start the life that I should be living.

I have dieted almost every year since I was 13.  I tried the fad diets, low calorie, special foods, protein shakes.  I know it sounds cliché, but if you can think of a diet I probably tried it.  I am an all or nothing thinker, I would go in to these diets gung ho and do really well, adhering to the rules. I like rules and structure so the more to follow the more I liked it.  I would start to lose weight, 20 pounds at the most and the moment I started to add “normal” foods back in, the weight loss would stop and even regress in some instances. I was killing myself for nothing.  There could be no reward because as soon as I began to add regular food, the weight would pile back on.  After years of being on this roller coaster and after coming face to face with what obesity is doing to my body, I decided I needed to take the next step to get the results needed to be happy and most importantly, healthy.

This year has been a challenging year for me, as I have begun to see a drastic increase in the repercussions of my obesity. This year was supposed to be a big year for me.  I quit my full time job to go back to school and get my degree. The new job I found was very labor intensive, and I thought I was ready for the challenge because it was such a different pace than my old job. I was ready for it mentally, but physically I couldn’t do it. Those words taste like vinegar “I couldn’t do it”.  After 3 weeks of 10 hour shifts on my feet I was in such physical pain it warranted me a trip to the ER.  After being given the diagnosis of tendonitis in my feet and ankles, the doctor asked me if there was a desk job that I could do instead.  Since there wasn’t, I was left with the decision to quit my job because physically I couldn’t do it.  I still live with the pain that comes with tendonitis, and now the pain has moved to my left knee. I wonder every day, what joint will be next on the list?  Even now, I have a desk job and sit for most of the day.  However, when I do have to go run an errand I look at the flights of stairs as Everest.  When I reach the top, I am a gasping mess, trying to get my breathing under control and hoping no one notices that my face is flushed, the deep rise and fall of my chest, and the sweat on my forehead.

I will say that I am lucky in the sense that unlike some living with obesity, I am not being treated for any health problems (i.e. diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol), however, every added day I am obese I feel as if I am borrowed time.  Adult onset diabetes runs on both sides of my family and I am thankful that I am not suffering from this disease, but I know it is a very likely fate for me being obese.  One issue that has come to the surface is my infertility.  My husband and I decided in 2010 to start trying for a baby, and month after month we had no result.  I made an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything was in working order.  After the normal intake procedure, I was ushered in to a small room and had a “talking to” about my weight. The doctor said that she wouldn’t recommend infertility testing until I was within a healthy BMI, and I left the office that day, crushed. I knew she was just doing her job, and even though the harsh bite of her words hurt, I knew she was right. If I were to conceive at my present weight I would be putting my life and my unborn child at risk. Being a mother is very important to me and I am willing to put that on hold to have this surgery.  I want to be the best vessel for my child that I can be, and being obese isn’t it. Also, I want to be able to be a role model for my children and how can I prevent them, and encourage them from a life of obesity, while being obese myself? I want to be able to run with them, roll around in the grass with them and currently given my joint issues I couldn’t even walk around the block with them.

The emotional toll that comes with being obese is palpable.  To feel trapped in your body and knowing that this isn’t the person that you are supposed to be. I don’t want to live a life of shame and always having the feeling of being less than. It is exhausting; analyzing every situation I am presented with to make sure my weight won’t be an issue. I have anxiety seeing people for the first time in years, or meeting new people in general. I think they are judging me for my weight and not seeing me.  Isn’t it so easy to judge someone that is obese as being lazy, or a glutton? I have become an expert at mapping my life in such a way that I avoid being confronted with my weight, but in doing so I have alienated myself, my friends and family. I avoid any activity with the word water in it, for fear of a bathing suit being involved.  I avoid theme parks for fear I am too big to fit on the rides, and I avoid being touched by people because I don’t want them to feel how big I am.

I know that I am an emotional/stress eater, and can say that I am addicted to food. I don’t see it as just fuel for my body; I see it as a hug when I am sad, a punching bag when I am angry, and a way out when I am depressed. I do suffer from depression and have been working with Dr. S for the past 5 years to work on these distorted views I have with food, and my body, and work through my depression. Over the years I have taken my creative outlets like music and theater and traded them in for food. My goal is to refocus my energy and work towards breaking my addiction with food. With Dr. S’s help, I am making small strides towards this goal becoming a reality.

I know that this is a lot to ask of someone that doesn’t know me to understand what this would mean for me and how truly ready I am for this. I am ready to put in the work and effort and finally see the positive results I have worked in vain for in the past. I am ready to start living the life I saw for myself and my family, one where I am not busy avoiding life, but one where I am busy experiencing everything it has to offer.