Different? Very.

I never thought my depression would change so dramatically while pregnant, and here I was worried about PPD!

via google images

I have read probably every article, blog post and medical journal entry about postpartum depression that I can get my hands on. A little excessive? Maybe but because I know going in to this that I already suffer from depression I want to know more about the warning signs of PPD. If I get depressed now, I am really only hurting myself, alienating others, yes but there isn't a tiny human that is depending on me to thrive and survive.  The stakes are considerably higher. So what does one do when they are already depressed before they the post part of this whole situation?

I am trying to figure it out.

Some people, myself included think that when you get some aspect of your life that you have wanted for a long time be it marriage, kids, weight loss, a new job, that the depression is magically going to disappear. Because you won in the end, you got what you wanted, you achieved a goal. If you have more than the blues though the depression doesn't go away, and that fact can send you spiraling even deeper in to your own depression hell.

The clues for me were always there but I didn't really figure it out until I got married. Only 3 years ago, how sad is that!?! I thought once I got married I would be walking around this new person, a complete and whole person. That didn't happen, I didn't take in to account how hard marriage actually is, partially because I had nothing to base it off of, just this built up fantasy in my head.

I wasn't any more whole than I was before I am became a Mrs. and that was a hard pill to swallow.

Anyway.

When I did get pregnant, something that I had always wanted, I didn't feel what I thought I would feel. I was elated but that faded, rather quickly. I chalked it up to not feeling well, then I had to have the surgery and then I still felt like crap and it was just a miserable time. I kept saying "next trimester will be better" or "once I stop feeling crappy I will be fine."

The issue is there is a high possibility that you can feel like crap the WHOLE time you are pregnant. I will admit that once the nausea and vomiting subsided my mood did improve but I was still struck with this depression so hard and so fast it would give a regular person a concussion.

My usual depressive moods come on... well... like a period. You know the few days before when you feel off but in a very familiar way? That is what an episode is like for me, but since becoming pregnant it comes out of no where and there isn't any... foreshadowing, in you will.

Take this very moment.

Yesterday husband I had a good day, we were really affectionate and actually ached to just hug each other. Those days when you are 10 years in to a relationship can be few and far between. But when I got home a switch flipped. We are having some work done on the house today and he had planned to clean all day yesterday and I said that I would give it my all to
help him when I got home. I walked through the door and hardly anything had been done and instead he started rambling off specks for a new deck. I held my tongue, and just walked away, one thing I am really trying to do is pick my battles with him and I still had a lot to do myself and knew if I fought with him I just wouldn't have the energy or drive to do anything. I went and laid down but felt like I had been sucker punched. It had happened, I was in an episode. I didn't want to move, all I wanted to do was lay in bed and be still. I wanted to watch the room grow to black and just sleep.

I didn't though, I got up and did my part and it made me feel better that I basically gave my depression the finger.

But then this morning, after getting a bad nights sleep,  having to fight with husband to get up, and having to solely depend on him to get the list of to-dos done before noon,  I am here again.

In this wretched place.

I will say a draw back at being pregnant and suffering from depression, at least for me, is that as quickly as I fall in to this I am that quick to pull out of it.

I worry what effect this has on the baby. I have always worried about my depression and how it will effect my child rearing and how these sometimes violent swings are effecting her now. After all, she feels what I feel.

I am just trying to be patient and waiting for the storm to pass, that's pretty much all i can do at this point.

Child Birthing Class: Labor

At this class we talked about the phases and stages of labor and watched some videos.

I think the videos helped husband understand a little more that there will be a point when Mrs.G goes away and this primal being will emerge.

He even said during one of the videos that he is going to feel so helpless because he can't do "anything." He knows that he can try his best to help me through it but that I still have to go through it.

It was a real wake up call for him. I sat there and thought to myself "why the hell am I voluntarily doing this" as a woman roared out her baby.

Then it happened.

Husband is extremely squeamish when it comes to blood. He can watch the most slice'em and dice'em slasher flick but the one time I stopped on a surgery show I thought he was going to either faint and then throw up or vice versa.

Tanya talked about the placenta and how a full lotus birth is starting to come up in birthing circles again. A full lotus birth is  where after the baby is born and the placenta is out  you keep baby and placenta attached until it naturally falls off. Husband just looked at me wide eyed and I reassured him that I would not be partaking in this birthing option.

Then Tanya said " I have a placenta from a birth this morning if you want to see it."

I was all for it, I mean come on, it is an organ, and you don't get to see that everyday. I get up and notice that everyone is going in to the little room and I look back and husband is standing up. As he joined me I asked him what it felt like, as an almost 30 year old man, to succumb to peer pressure.

We went in and Y'all a placenta is gross but it is soooooo cool.

It looks like a red balloon, mostly because it still had the umbilical cord still attached to it. Honestly, it was a lot smaller than I thought it would be too. When you think about the fact that a uterus grows so exponentially (from the size of your fist the first few weeks to the size of a soccer ball in your second tri) that this thing would be huge.

Tanya explained what everything was and I couldn't help that husband has never been so focused on what someone was saying before, then I realized as she gestured with her hands, which had gloves covered in blood, he was just trying to not look at anything.

Then we watched a labor in reverse. The baby crowing, the pushing stage, active labor and then early labor. It was cool to see it in reverse because you have more of a sense as how they got to this place and how they got through it.

In some weird twisty way I am curious how I am going to handle the pain. You hear stories of women who roar, cry and spit or the women who just all of sudden aren't mentally there anymore they are so focused and they just kind of breathe the baby out.

I would like to think I am that cool, to be all focusy and calm, but I have a feeling I am going to be like that latter...

28 Weeks

Boo, hiss, this didn't post over the weekend. So please enjoy a 29 week belly subbing for a 28 week one.

Almost to big for a vertical pic. 

How far along? 28 Weeks, 12 to go.

 The baby is as big as: small cabbage

 Maternity clothes? Yep

Stretch marks? nope

How I am feeling: Much better this week! I will say that I am getting tired pretty fast at night but this spring weather has made a HUGE difference in my general attitude. 

Best moment this week?: Husband and I have started our child birthing classes and it is funny to see how freaked out he gets when we watch a video. 

Movement?: She is getting more active during the day than she was. Her new thing is to start REALLY kicking me when my alarm starts going off. I am a snooze button hitter and she will have none of it. 

Food cravings?: Nothing really of note this week. 

Gender?:  GIRL!

Labor Signs?: nope. 

Belly Button in or out?:innie

What I miss: Being able to bend over at the waist, no problem. Now it is a problem, I will bend over and then GRUNT my way back up. Every time this happens I remind myself to use my knees and then never do. 

What I am looking forward to:  The tops of my feet have started to show signs of swelling, less often if I am wearing tennis shoes. But it is Spring and I don't want to have to wear socks and tennis shoes when it is warm outside. I guess it is a pet peeve of mine, or maybe it is because I can NEVER find socks. I need a good quality pair of flats and husband said I can get replacement TOMS for the ones cooper chewed up. I am pretty pumped because they were hella comfy, may they rest in peace. 

Weekly Wisdom: your subconscious can be a real asshole when you are pregnant.  I had a dream my husband, without discussing it with me, decided to have a sex change and then stole my shoes....jerk. 

 Milestones: Baby girl played tag with husband a couple nights ago, he would press on my belly and she would press back. I wasn't upset or anything because I had been trying to get her to do it all week... no not at all. 

Child Birth Class: Relaxation

Husband and I had our first child birthing class last week.

It started with us each drawing a picture, I thought "Oh geez, I have lost him already." Husband comes from a medical family, and although he supports me in my decision to strive for a natural child birth, sometimes this "natural" way of life can be a little much for him.

Drawing the picture was a great ice breaker though. You had scenarios to choose from, I chose what being pregnant has done for me, or my pregnant image. Most of the other women choose the same thing and ALL the men choose "which animal do you associate with an easy birth?"

Husband choose Dot.

After that we discussed why we were there, and why we wanted a natural child birth. My reasons are easy, 1. I was made to do this without drugs, a fact so much so that all drug companies are doing are synthetically making more concentrated versions of what your body produces.
2. I don't want myself and Sarah to be so drugged out that we can't initiate breastfeeding immediately after she is born
and 3. if you start interfering with a situation that doesn't need to be interfered with you create a new situation. And in this case, the new situation could be medical interventions that lead to a c-section.

There are 5 couples and there is one other couple that will be birthing in the hospital. I was surprised there was someone else and it made me feel better about being there, some of the literature they show and discuss can be a little preachy about how terrible hospitals are.  I agree with most of it and that is where I get caught up and have a mini freak out about not giving birth at home. But then I remember my list of pros about giving birth at the hospital and calm my ass down.

Things Tanya (class instructor) talked about that was like...duh, why didn't I already know that:

You need a care team A and a care team B: She said that your care team A will more than likely be your husband and maybe one other person. These are the people that will be there from "I think I am in labor" to "one more push." Why you need a care team B is because your A team is going to need rest too, and the good news is there are going to be a plethora of people with idle hands just wanting to help out.

Sleep/rest as much as possible during early labor: she told the story of a lady that decided to use her time in early labor to clean, organize and just piddle around the house in general and finally started active labor around 12:30 at night, she didn't give birth until late afternoon the next day. She was going on 36 hours of no sleep. I know how I function on no sleep and that is not at all.

You know how to handle pain/take care of yourself, identify how you do this now: Tanya basically said that because we are first time moms anyway, there is going to be some trial and error because some things that I thought would work don't and somethings that I found incredibly soothing pre-labor could  be like nails on a chalkboard. But if I have more of a direction, or an idea, husband can move to the next thing instead of having to ask me and possibly pull me out of the ZONE.

Then we did a guided meditation that husband said was....ok. I told him he didn't have to like it he just needs to know that I do and it actually helps me focus, which can be an issue sometimes.

Over all I liked the class, I like that Tanya references other births because I retain a lot more if it is in story form.


The next class is on labor, the stages and phases.

trauma before 6:30 AM

 I had woken up thinking that it was Wednesday and was grumpy when I looked at our digital bathroom clock and was struck with the realization that it was only in fact Tuesday. I had gotten husband up with much ease this morning, usually getting him up involves threats of bodily harm. "He is a trooper" I thought to myself, he gets up and lets the big dogs out for me because sometimes I just can't handle Dots diva tendencies paired with Cooper's special needs.  I was standing in my bra and PJ bottoms at the sink, just about to press the "ON" button on my tooth brush. It was approximately 6:15 when I heard it.

A dog in some serious pain.

I dropped my tooth brush and ran in to our bedroom and threw open the curtains to see an empty back yard. No dogs, No husband, the gut wrenching howling had stopped, I exhaled a sigh of relief and hoped that what ever dog was hurt, they were OK. I mean it couldn't be one of my dogs, Husband was with them and the backyard was vacant."They are probably all laying on couch, lucky dogs."

As I turned to walk back to the bathroom I heard the buzz of my cell phone, it's husband.

Me: Hello?

Husband: I need you, as fast as you can, grab a flash light and come back behind the shed.

I was confused because I had just checked our back yard.

Me:Why?

Husband: One of the dogs is hurt-

I didn't even give him a chance to finish his sentence, I didn't hang up I just threw on a shirt and ran. I held my pregnant belly and thudded down the stairs and hit the ground floor with such force it alerted my mother that something was up.

Mom: What's wrong?

Grabbing flash light, Me: a dog is hurt.

I threw open the door and ran as fast as I could to the farthest corner of our back yard, cursing the damn flash light because I couldn't figure out how to turn it on, WHY CAN'T THERE JUST BE AN ON BUTTON?!?!. I reach the back corner and all the dogs were huddled around husband and the injured one. I knew then why he couldn't tell me which one, it was pitch black and it was one of the black pups.

I steadied the flash light and saw what the injury was, attached to the fence was a strand of loose wire and this pup, while romping had kicked it up and it was now in her eye. My heart sank, and I asked if he could see which dog it was.

It was my Delia.

Everyone in the house had bonded with a different puppy, Delia was mine. Every time I went to pick up a pup it was always her, she was the first puppy to "jail break" out of the whelping box, the first pup to wander in to the living room one night after said jail break. I will never forget hearing her little "hmpfs" as she rounded the corner in to our living room. It took me by complete surprise, and I just asked her "how did you get all the way out here?!" and scooped her up and she cuddled on my chest for the rest of my puppy watch. Dot wasn't too happy when she finally figured it out, she trotted out, ears at attention to the sofa and sniffed her baby with a look of "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?!" I tried to explain to Dot that it was Delia that came out to me, but she would have none of it... we were both grounded in her eyes.  Delia's escapes have escalated in complexity and scale. She would climb out of the rather tall kennel at just 8 weeks and husband or I would find her wandering around the house exploring.  This then led her to climb fences... this one is a little problematic but she is mine all the same. She loves to stand on you and just look all melancholy, if you are petting her she will gently put her paw on your arm and lean back so you can pet her better, she is so thoughtful that way.


She was whimpering and shaking and all I wanted to do was hold her.

Husband: I need you to get wire cutters.

I ran back to the tool box and grabbed the wire cutters and ran back.

She was being such a good girl through this, she sat very still and didn't try to pull away.

Once freed the wire fell to the ground and she ran around like nothing ever happened. The other dogs sniffed her and licked her face wondering what just happened. We got everyone inside and inspected her eye, it looked fine but it was swelling pretty quickly. We grabbed our injured pup and put in her the car and drove to the vet.

Thankfully, her eye was fine but she did puncture the creepy inner eyelid thing (technical term obviously) that dogs have.

After we got her home husband and I both walked the back yard just to double check, and then triple check to make sure nothing else was in the back yard.

We still have no idea where the wire came from and why it was there. From what husband could see in the daylight it had been there for awhile and it was wrapped around our back corner fence post which is blocked by a tree and 2 electrical boxes, hence why we couldn't see it.When this had happened husband had been standing on the deck and saw 2 rabbits dart out from that corner and that is what made the dogs go back there. He wouldn't be surprised if one was tangled in the wire or something.

This incident made me feel like a failure as a fur baby mama but after all is said and done, I have to remind myself it could have been a hell of a lot worse, she is on the mend, and acting like nothing happened so I guess that is a good right?

Here's to hopefully not having to make another emergency vet visit this year.... knock on wood.

27 Weeks

How far along? 27 Weeks, 13 to go.

 The baby is as big as: head of cauliflower 

 Maternity clothes? Yep

Stretch marks? nope

How I am feeling: I have been really irritable this week, to the point of low productivity at work and home. I don't know what it is about this week but people are absolutely terrible. At work it has to do with not getting all the information or direction and then being expected to just know that that is how it is done. I understand that they wanted someone who could manage themselves, but in learning a new system/way of doing things is it to much to ask to be shown at least once the correct way to do something? I need at least a little direction. The funny part it isn't even my department that is causing my head ache it is some of the other ones I have to deal with. At home I am just overwhelmed with the amount of stuff we need to get done/what we want to get done before the baby comes. We cut our want list down to a few things here and there but our to do list seems never ending. It just wears on me that husband and I are on completely different schedules and can't work together. 

Best moment this week?: Passing my glucose test! I was the most nervous about this out of everything else. I think it stems from the fact that I knew going in to this I was at a higher risk for GD because of my weight and the fact that there were a lot of naysayers out there that said just because I was overweight, I WAS going to get GD. IN YOUR FACE!!!!!  

Movement?: Still pretty active. She hasn't developed a pattern yet like all the books says she will. She pretty much has a dance party after I eat and then right as I am winding down for bed. Thankfully she doesn't keep me up at night with kicking... yet. I know it is just a matter of time. 

Food cravings?: Burgers.  For some reason I find myself watching  food shows a lot after work and for the first hour or so at home is the show Man Vs. Food... he eats a lot of burgers, which makes baby want a burger. 

Gender?:  GIRL!

Labor Signs?: nope. 

Belly Button in or out?:innie

What I miss: Not so much a miss but, God love my mom, She always wants to talk and touch my belly and I can't stand it.  I like my preggo shape and honestly my weight and body image is the last thing on my mind but when people, not necessarily touch, but poke and prod the one thing that for years I tried to hide and was so ashamed of I get really defensive.  So I guess I miss people not touching and talking to my biggest body  image problem. 

What I am looking forward to:  Getting our new floors, the people that flipped our house did a piss poor job and went really cheap on the floor installation in the kitchen. We noticed last winter, near the back door, that the tile was becoming loose, after further inspection we found that they just threw some glue down on the old tile and stuck the new over it. It wasn't secure and moisture from the dogs coming in and out was speeding up the process.We had to rip up half of the tile already because it simply just came unglued and would slide right out from underneath you if you weren't careful. 

Weekly Wisdom: If this is your first pregnancy, relish in the fact that this is your time to prepare for the biggest change in your life. Do it anyway you please and don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you choose to spend this time. I was having a particularly down day a couple weeks ago and husband and my mom told me to go lay down. They didn't have to tell me twice I did and they decided to make dinner. I was so thankful that they did that for me and I posted a little brag about them on my Facebook. My brother brought it up at Easter and pretty much laughed at me for thinking I needed any rest because I don't have a child already. Really? I thought I had a full time job just you and your wife, a house to maintain just like you and your wife. But I guess because I don't have a child already I should just be a ball of energy.... eff that. 

 Milestones: My third trimester is right around the corner! Where is this time going? I can't believe I am down to double digit days until I am someones mother. 90 DAYS PEOPLE!!!! 

26 weeks, 6 days

heard someone coming so it's a quick snap 

How far along? 26 Weeks, 14 to go.

 The baby is as big as: Cuecumber

 Maternity clothes? Yep

Stretch marks? nope

How I am feeling:  Better! although I did throw up my glucose drink and couldn't get my GD test done. I was in the car, I had a bag, but the bag had a massive hole in it. Orange vom all over me and the car was enough to make me loose my cool and I started bawling. 

Best moment this week?: The Nursery is painted and husband in his excitement put the crib up. I have been scouring etsy for the finishing touches for both the playroom and the nursery. Both are bug themed is that weird? 

Movement?: She is crazy, she kicked my phone off my belly the other night. 

Food cravings?: Nothing really of note this week. I am starting to cook again, it's not up to pre-pregnancy snuff because I do hit a wall and just need the food to be DONE. 

Gender?:  GIRL!

Labor Signs?: nope. 

Belly Button in or out?:innie

What I miss: not having issues with food. Not barfing wise just like before I was pregnant I could eat chili and not get gas, now if I look a bean I am doubled over in gaseous pain. You're welcome. 

What I am looking forward to:  Really cleaning the house this weekend. I have really been fighting the nesting bug and this weekend I am going to totally succumb to it and let it happen. Also, the weather is going to be nice enough to air out the house. BONUS!

Weekly Wisdom: There are many sides to being pregnant excited, scared, nervous all of which are ok. Don't let anyone make you feel bad for how you are feeling. 

 Milestones:knowing that baby girl is getting bigger and stronger! and that she already hates my codependency on my phone. I have been trying to really limit my technology use when I am home. Trying to build good habits now.