new style, new name

I decided it was time for a revamp because let's face it, this here blog was looking pretty sad.

The name was the first thing to go.

 I know.

Another new name.

I have been:
A soon to be Mrs.
The new Mrs. G
The G life
The studious wife

and now I am Southern, By Marriage.

I wanted something that said a little about me and that was short and sweet.

I have some ideas in the noggin about what I want to do and where I want to go next. I have a couple blog series I want to try out on you, so stick around, grab a sweet tea, or in my case a diet coke, I can't stand sweet tea.

Something that my Southern counter part reminds me is a sin.

Under construction

As you can see things are a mess, hopefully things will back to normal soon.

Later Y'all

A year ago today...

 Today I will be making my down to a small college town to remember my dear friend Matt, first drink is for you friend...

 25

When you are young and you are learning to speak it is a feat to be able to count to 10. People rejoice and may even hand you a cookie, then you learn what comes after 10 all the way up to infinity.


Now count to 25.

I'll wait.

See didn't take to long did it. I seems like such  a small number when you compare it to in the infinite group it is in.

Maybe if we think in something longer like years, does 25 years feel longer, sound longer?

Think of all you can accomplish is 25 years? School, marriage, kids, career, success.

But what if that is all you had? 25 years to live a life, could you do it?

This past week was the hardest I have had in a while.

My dear friend passed away on Thursday.


He had been in the hospital since May but we all tried to keep  positive because he was in good hands and in the beginning he had been showing signs of improvement.

He went in to the hospital with pneumonia and for every step forward he took two steps back,  there were complications and he was transferred.


I got to see him before he went down hill and we were laughing, eating pizza, and he showed my friend and I the suit he was going get for his sisters upcoming wedding. The suit was fab and although we were laughing, I couldn't help but pray, as he sat there with a mask of oxygen on that it wouldn't be the suit he would be buried in.

Very shortly after that visit he was transferred to 2 more hospitals and we weren't allowed to see him any more. We got random updates from family and when we found out that he was put in an induced coma so he could heal and have a machine breathe for him we were all scared.

When he went in to the coma, the news was at a standstill no change, better or worse. We still couldn't see him and his favorite season was more than passed when we found out.

On Wednesday I got a text from my friend Erin that he was going to be taken off of the machines the next day and I better get to the hospital to say my goodbye. I know when the circumstances what they were I should have prepared myself for this but I didn't. I left work when I could, still not wanting to believe that this would be the last time I talked to my friend. We had drifted apart over the years but we found each other again on the most important day of my life. He was the hair stylist for some of my girls, and me when my hair started to go crazy. He was one of the first people to see me and one of the last to leave the dance floor that night. Our friendship had ignited again and unbeknownst to us we had both told our friend Erin how much we had missed each other and how we couldn't wait to get close again.

When I walked in to his room, gowned up and gloves on, I was struck with a tsunami of grief. The Matt I remembered was laughing and eating pizza with me. I was thrown in to a tailspin to see him there motionless, hooked up to machines with tubes everywhere. The beeping of the monitors was deafing as I as I walked up to where my friend laid. I was an emotional open wound, this was happening way to quickly, he was fine the other day they couldn't be happening, I could not be standing in the room that my friend would never see the outside of, that he would die in. I had been told that he was conscience which made it 1000 times worse. Did he know this was it? Was he shouting inside his prison body that he wanted to live? I know the moment I was next to his bed the answer.

  He had faded away and only his eyes remained, when I took his hand and stared in to his beautiful eyes there was a moment of contact, a moment I knew he knew I was there. I told him stories about the good times of 6th grade when we met, how happy I was that he was such a big part of my wedding day, and mostly how I regretted our friends drifting apart in the first place, I wanted him to know that he was always in my thoughts all those years were didn't talk, That I did and would always love him and how mad I was that I had finally found someone to do my hair... we all laughed about that one.

I stroked his head, and said my goodbye to a wonderful man.

As I wiped my tears and hugged his mom she said "25 years just isn't long enough."

It was like someone was strangling me I was fighting the tears so hard.

I drove home in silence.

When I finally made it home I scrubbed my hands raw to get the hand sanitizer/rubber glove smell off my skin. Immediately I hopped on his facebook and started to look through his pictures, I wanted to remember his eyes full of life, a smile on his face a beer in his hand.

I began to sob.

The next day he passed away peacefully surrounded by his family. And that day the world lost an amazing person. One that was absolutely fabulous.

right now.

I feel as if I am in a rut.

I want to talk about progression with the surgery but I don't want to blabber on and on in case something falls through. Then I will feel like a dumbass for talking about it for so long, I guess little updates won't hurt.

I got the green light from my insurance company and I have my medical evaluation next week. This is where they basically see if I am fit for surgery and discuss which surgery is right for me. I know I want this surgery but what type is the question. Before, the thought of anything other than lapband scared the bejezzes out of me. Now that I have talked to someone that has had the procedure and is unhappy, and led me to webforum for pre and post lapband patients whom most feel the same way, I am having second thoughts. Most of the people that got the surgery less than 2 years after wanted to go back under the knife and get bypass or the sleeve done. When I talk to the surgeon the main thing that will help me choose is the baby factor, which surgery will put less strain on me and a baby in the future.

in other news...

My crafty side is EXPLODING!!!! Last night I couldn't fall to sleep because I couldn't turn my brain off thinking about what all I want to craft.

This new found creativity is a direct result from husband finally giving me the green light to turn the spare room in to a craft room. I can't go balls to the wall and do it up all girly (cause, there was talk of orange walls, with pink and white accents people) because husband doesn't want to store all his Auburn memorabilia which is fine with me as long as I can have my sewing matching set up 24/7.

Also, I need a hobby other than eating, watching tv while eating, and sleeping (while possibly eating as well, sleep eating is a thing right?). I was looking for something that could keep me busy and has an end result. I have a little list started as to what I want to try, most of it being seasonal decor and if you have been reading for any length of time you know that season is Christmas. What?!? Yes, I have been scouring pinterest for decoration ideas and pinning the crap out of them. I have jewelery on the list too, so cut me some slack. And quilt, I have never quilted a day in my life, but now I am all like " I wanna make the most ambitious quilt EVER?!?!?!"

Anyways, my mom said that if my makings are good enough maybe next year I could start a booth in my hometowns big holiday festival aka HOLLYFEST!!!!

and finally.

My in laws came up this weekend to go to the Irish fest (lots of fests in this post) and we had a great time. Even the big ass zit currently residing on my left cheek shimmied to the sound of bagpipes.  I always try to be put together when they come because my mother in law, like all southern women, is so effing put together it makes me sick (in a loving way), even with a sprained ankle and knee she could out accessorize me. This trip was a fail for me, not only was there chipped nail polish, unshaven legs, and the huge zit but she saw my messy room. We all have that room in our house that is always messy, no matter how much  you put in to it you can never stay on top of it. This room is my closet. No matter how much I try to organize it or keep it clean, the darn thing always looks like a disaster area.  OF COURSE I didn't shut the door and she went in the guest room to take a nap. At least I got my uni brow taken care of right and the rest of the house clean right?

That's about it right now blog peeps.

Have a great day!

the time I almost burned my house down and got the kitchen of my dreams

Last night, I almost burned my kitchen down.

Last night, I almost got the kitchen of my dreams.

Kidding! but seriously I almost burned my kitchen down.

I went grocery shopping last night and per usual, when I came in I placed the bags on the stove. The puppies were wailing so I huridly let them out and then tended to the other dogs and went and sat on the deck.

About 10 minutes later I decide to go and put everything away, before I even open the back door I can smell smoke. Silly me thought "someone must be grilling out", when I opened the door, I was hit with an intense odor of buring, melting plastic and food. I look over and smoke is pouring off of the stove top I run over and see that the front eye is on, high. I turn it off and start to open windows to air out the downstairs.

I have no idea how it happened because you have to press down then turn the knob to turn it on, I tried to recreate it but I couldn't. We lost about half of the groceries we had purchased.....

not my best moment.

In other news, I am craving fall. I can not stop thinking about cool crisp days, rustling leaves, sweaters, football, bonfires. Gah! I am so over being hot all the time, plus my fall clothes are so much cuter than my summer ones. Can I get a witness!?!?!?!
I have been trying some new recipes and I am really going to start posting about them. Promise.

Surgery update: Got a letter that I had made it through the first hurdle which I didn't even know was a hurdle. The program director has to approve it (meaning at first glance you do fit the criteria) BEFORE it is sent to off for preapproval, so I guess I got prepreapproved. Now, I wait another week or so to see what the insurance company says.

got to go coffee is ready! I am not drinking it so much for the caffine content as I am for the piping hotness of it. It is freezing down here yo.

240

This is hard number to swallow. A hard number to accept.


For years I have struggled with my weight, I have tried countless diets, exercise plans and all I gained was more weight and a chip on my shoulder. Not to mention after each failure I was pulled further and further in to the dark as to what I should do about my weight, so much so I even turned to buliema as an answer to my problem.

I got a handle on that and can proudly say that I haven't binged or purged for over a year and half!

I didn't want to go to therepy last Monday because I didn't think I had anything to talk about and I didn't want to have to pull for stuff. Kitty knows about my meeting and my intentions regarding the surgery and she listens with a air of caution becaue she doesn't want me to fail. We started talking about what I can do now to make adjustments that will make the life changes nessacary for the surgery more sucessfull and some of the basics were remove myself from a situation that I would generally snack, like watching tv for hours and hours. She suggested watch a show, then get up and do something, then come back and watch something else. I also said that I needed to meal plan better and eat more frequently than I have been. I have the problem of comming home and sitting down to relax then by the time I do eat dinner I am ravenous and I eat 2 big portions. She said this was all good but not the answer she was looking for.

I need to come up with a plan for when I get depressed, sad, angry all my emotional triggers that have me running to food, I have to have a diverson in place so I don't eat.

I couldn't think of anything.

"you don't have anything else that makes you that happy?"

The tears came. She can always make me cry, shes like Oprah.

I realized in that moment how much I had lost myself in food.

I used to be interesting and fun, I used to sing, act, create, explore, enjoy life without food as a sole focus, but now all my joy in life comes from food.

 I do nothing that I used to do. I am not in a choir, nor am I doing anything to keep my insturment in working order, I haven't been on stage for 3 years, and I have reached boarder line hermit status. I am wasting the best years of my life sheltered and chained to food.

She suggested that I start taking voice lessons again or join a choir or better yet take a yoga class. That way I am killing 2 birds with one stone,  I have something to look foward during the week instead of my next meal and I am doing something that is just for me.

It was also discussed what do to about my home life. My husband works hard, he has a physical job and he is outside in the heat so I get his desire to come home and do nothing. The issue is I want to be where he is and partcipate with him so when he sits and vegs, I set sit and veg too. Because he does have a physical job he can snack, not as much as he does, but he can afford too because he is burning far more calories than I am sitting in a chair. The problem this poses is we are completly lop sided in our life styles, he is physical during the day and the evening is his resting time, whereas I am at rest all day and need to up the physical activity at night. This is hard when you need daily support. I know my mom is there to help but I really want my husband to be healthy too and have him on board with a healthier life style.

Kitty asked "what are you going to do when he is sitting on the couch with a bag of chips"

I paused and thought of the only thing I could "I would remove myself from the situation"

It made me sad, to say that I would remove myself from my husbands company. I told him this because there is already little space between us but I know that will close as we get our finances back on track and get in to the swing with both of us working again. But I crave closeness with him even more than food sometimes. So to make a knowing choice to not be around him when he doing his nightly routine is a hard one to make.

I know he supports this decision. He has seen me break down and deteriorate to what I am now, a self conscicence, mean, empty person. When we first met I was the one trying to pull him out of his comfort zone and try new things and now it is reverse.

240 is a big number. And I have accepted that as my number.... right now.

And as much as I tried I can't get out from under its weight anymore. Some days I was positive, I tried to tell myself that I was beautiful, that there is more to me than my fat. But that doesn't work for me, no dose of positive reinforcement can make me feel better about this body. I don't think there is anything wrong with that because this is so much more than it once was to me. Before I was loosing weight to fit a mold that I thought I had to, the one that society put out there. But now I want to fit in to the Katy mold, the one where I felt confident, comfortable, beautiful.

It has taken me a long time to see that my mold, is one of a kind, and that is what I want more than anything now.

Personal statement

Prior to surgery approval you have to fill out an application where they basically want you to lay out for them all your past diet failures, physical ailments and so on. I had no problem filing this out but the last page of the application wanted you to wrtie a personal statement as to why you are asking for the surgery.

This was possibly the hardest piece I have ever written. This has been such a personal struggle for me because my weight issues run so deep and so long that it was hard to choose what to include and how do I word it in a way that gets my point across.

I wanted to share this with you because even if this doesn't happen, I don't get approved or some other reason, it is still a very real possibilty and I want to document the journey. Even if the journey ends before it can really begin.

Here is my personal statement:

I am asking for this surgery because I want to start the life that I should be living.

I have dieted almost every year since I was 13.  I tried the fad diets, low calorie, special foods, protein shakes.  I know it sounds cliché, but if you can think of a diet I probably tried it.  I am an all or nothing thinker, I would go in to these diets gung ho and do really well, adhering to the rules. I like rules and structure so the more to follow the more I liked it.  I would start to lose weight, 20 pounds at the most and the moment I started to add “normal” foods back in, the weight loss would stop and even regress in some instances. I was killing myself for nothing.  There could be no reward because as soon as I began to add regular food, the weight would pile back on.  After years of being on this roller coaster and after coming face to face with what obesity is doing to my body, I decided I needed to take the next step to get the results needed to be happy and most importantly, healthy.

This year has been a challenging year for me, as I have begun to see a drastic increase in the repercussions of my obesity. This year was supposed to be a big year for me.  I quit my full time job to go back to school and get my degree. The new job I found was very labor intensive, and I thought I was ready for the challenge because it was such a different pace than my old job. I was ready for it mentally, but physically I couldn’t do it. Those words taste like vinegar “I couldn’t do it”.  After 3 weeks of 10 hour shifts on my feet I was in such physical pain it warranted me a trip to the ER.  After being given the diagnosis of tendonitis in my feet and ankles, the doctor asked me if there was a desk job that I could do instead.  Since there wasn’t, I was left with the decision to quit my job because physically I couldn’t do it.  I still live with the pain that comes with tendonitis, and now the pain has moved to my left knee. I wonder every day, what joint will be next on the list?  Even now, I have a desk job and sit for most of the day.  However, when I do have to go run an errand I look at the flights of stairs as Everest.  When I reach the top, I am a gasping mess, trying to get my breathing under control and hoping no one notices that my face is flushed, the deep rise and fall of my chest, and the sweat on my forehead.

I will say that I am lucky in the sense that unlike some living with obesity, I am not being treated for any health problems (i.e. diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol), however, every added day I am obese I feel as if I am borrowed time.  Adult onset diabetes runs on both sides of my family and I am thankful that I am not suffering from this disease, but I know it is a very likely fate for me being obese.  One issue that has come to the surface is my infertility.  My husband and I decided in 2010 to start trying for a baby, and month after month we had no result.  I made an appointment with my doctor to make sure everything was in working order.  After the normal intake procedure, I was ushered in to a small room and had a “talking to” about my weight. The doctor said that she wouldn’t recommend infertility testing until I was within a healthy BMI, and I left the office that day, crushed. I knew she was just doing her job, and even though the harsh bite of her words hurt, I knew she was right. If I were to conceive at my present weight I would be putting my life and my unborn child at risk. Being a mother is very important to me and I am willing to put that on hold to have this surgery.  I want to be the best vessel for my child that I can be, and being obese isn’t it. Also, I want to be able to be a role model for my children and how can I prevent them, and encourage them from a life of obesity, while being obese myself? I want to be able to run with them, roll around in the grass with them and currently given my joint issues I couldn’t even walk around the block with them.

The emotional toll that comes with being obese is palpable.  To feel trapped in your body and knowing that this isn’t the person that you are supposed to be. I don’t want to live a life of shame and always having the feeling of being less than. It is exhausting; analyzing every situation I am presented with to make sure my weight won’t be an issue. I have anxiety seeing people for the first time in years, or meeting new people in general. I think they are judging me for my weight and not seeing me.  Isn’t it so easy to judge someone that is obese as being lazy, or a glutton? I have become an expert at mapping my life in such a way that I avoid being confronted with my weight, but in doing so I have alienated myself, my friends and family. I avoid any activity with the word water in it, for fear of a bathing suit being involved.  I avoid theme parks for fear I am too big to fit on the rides, and I avoid being touched by people because I don’t want them to feel how big I am.

I know that I am an emotional/stress eater, and can say that I am addicted to food. I don’t see it as just fuel for my body; I see it as a hug when I am sad, a punching bag when I am angry, and a way out when I am depressed. I do suffer from depression and have been working with Dr. S for the past 5 years to work on these distorted views I have with food, and my body, and work through my depression. Over the years I have taken my creative outlets like music and theater and traded them in for food. My goal is to refocus my energy and work towards breaking my addiction with food. With Dr. S’s help, I am making small strides towards this goal becoming a reality.

I know that this is a lot to ask of someone that doesn’t know me to understand what this would mean for me and how truly ready I am for this. I am ready to put in the work and effort and finally see the positive results I have worked in vain for in the past. I am ready to start living the life I saw for myself and my family, one where I am not busy avoiding life, but one where I am busy experiencing everything it has to offer.