Good Dream or Nightmare?

I have been dreaming a lot about the wedding lately.

They aren't happy dreams where I take my Dad's arm and I walk down the aisle towards my happily ever after.Nay they are very much the opposite, filled with worry, stress, fights with my mom, a missing wedding dress and unfinished DIY projects.

Lately I have started to feel the creep of anxiety. It is like those Geico commercials with the stack of money.I swear I hear that song on a daily basis and instead of a much needed stack of money, I get sweaty palms and the knot in my stomach tightens. The feeling does pass but it lets me know its there.

I am currently reading the book "What no one tells the bride" by Marg Stark and I do find it helpful on some levels, on others I am left wanting. A very common theme of the book is being an older bride, which I am not. Talking about surviving the single life in the jungle that is any dating scene. I never did that. I found someone, that despite the troubles we had/have, I want to spend the rest of my life with. I will say, in the early years of Matthew and I's relationship I could see my future coming together but the person standing next to me was a little fuzzy. It did take me a few years and some growing up on both of our parts to finally see the picture clearly and say " I am going to spend the rest of my life with him."

Another theme is the limbo that is your social life when you get married or engaged even. I have taken Matthew to parties with my single friends and it is uncomfortable and nerve racking. I mean the party I took him to one of my friends grabbed my boobs and started talking to me, this is our thing, it has always been our thing all the way back to senior year of high school. Matthew just looked like he had walked in on something he shouldn't have and all words escaped him. The rest of the evening was fine but I knew as soon as we left the party there would be some explaining to do. I told him how Whitney really like boobs, mine in particular. I told him about how she would walk up behind you and unhook your bra or hit your boob so you would have one headlight and run away. That is when I realized not only did our engagement put us in a social limbo but the fact that I had been dating him for 5 years and NONE of my friends knew him and vice versa. I had a feeling that that would not be my last explanation to him of some quirky behavior.

I have noticed a shift with some of my single friends to that are in my wedding party. I wanted to have a Bridal party road trip down to Cincinnati to order their dresses. I thought this would be a great time for us because 3 of ladies either live out of town or have crazy work schedules. We could talk, see their dresses, see mine, talk shoes and acc. A lot of girlie stuff. Well the plan slowly fell apart by no fault of anyone. So on the day of the road trip I was left with 3 girls all of which are single* ( I mean not engaged or married). The tone of the day was for me was.... I don't even know what word to use here. I guess I felt a line drawn in the sand with 2 of my friends. They poked fun at me, and made it seem like a huge inconvenience to be there. I mean I know I asked for them to be up early, drive to Cincy to only find out the bridesmaid dress wasn't in stock anymore. How was I supposed to know that. It had been there every other time. But the fact of the matter is I was up that early, I am the one that drove down, I bought them breakfast that morning because I knew how early it was, all they had to do was sit or sleep on the way down. All I got was attitude. It makes me wonder how it will be with everything else? All the bridesmaid duties. Or are they going to sneak off and talk about how bridezilla I am between drags? We shall see.