A lot going on

Sorry I have MIA this week.

I guess I just didn't have much to say, this week has been busy with school, doctor's appointments, a sickness to battle... so it has been a pretty blah week.

First before I get in to the heavy let me just tell everyone that my brother comes home today.. FOR GOOD!!! That is right, with 2 stress fractors in his feet the army said that he can be discharged.

ok on to the next part.

I hope I don't turn people off to reading my little ditties when I bring up topics like depression, eating disorders, and other sometimes uncomfortable subject matter. I do it because I like being open about it. As I said before I am not looking to inspire, or what ever you want to call it but if you leave this blog having learned something for the day, that is great. I guess what I am trying to say is this is my journal, my piece of mind, all of my mind the good the bad and the ugly.

On Wednesday, at what felt like the but ass crack of dawn I had a therapy session. Oh yeah, if I didn't tell you I am in therapy.

This last session and the session before have really been moving for me. They have set in motion for me growth and a course of treatment that will hopefully "cure" me. I say that because I will always have to deal with this, but hopefully with treatment it will be more manageable.

I know you all may know what depression is but for the sake of the ones that don't and for the sake of medical reference here is the definition:

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines a depressed person as experiencing feelings of sadness, helplessness and hopelessness.

I know that I have talked about Stigmas before and i am going to again, I am also not naive to the fact that everything has a stigma even your hair color.

The stigma with being depressed is you are a Debbie downer of sorts, you always want to kill yourself or have tried, you are like the people in the dramatizations on the depression tv ads where you even neglect your dog.

Some people use it as a cop out, which give us clinically depressed people a bad rap. The people that use depression for their short comings, like their drinking problem, their laziness, their dug use.

So you see when I tell you that there isn't an actual count of people that are depressed because people don't want to own up to it. They say roughly 12 million Adults in the U.S. are suffering form depression.

I have what is know as Dysthymia which is a chronic mood disorder that falls within the depression spectrum, the opposite of hyperthymia. It is considered a chronic depression, but with less severity than major depressive disorder. This disorder tends to be a chronic, long-lasting illness.

You are learning a lot I know.

Anywhoozer back to my session.

The session before last my eating issues were brought right out to the forefront where I couldn't hide from them. I had to talk to my Doctor about my binging and purging, my eating habits, my triggers to eat. And after I answered all her questions, to be honest I felt like a horrible person. That is the best that I can describe it. I don't hate weakness in others but in myself I hate it. I hate crying, I hate that I can't deal with things like "normal" people, I hate that I am depressed all the time.... you get the point.

My doctor referred me to the center for balanced living. It is a center for eating disorders, and I am to be evaluated. That was a slap into reality for me. I never thought my binging and purging was a big deal, I mean I always stopped. And I do not have the physique of someone who has an eating disorder. I can actually say I am afraid to go, I am afraid that I am going to walk in and get gawked at, and get the "why is she here" glances. But, I will have to man it up because I know that this is the best thing for me. Not only will they help with the obvious but also with how I look at food. I mean I am starting to second guess myself on what I view as addiction. Sex Addict? yeah right Tiger Woods and Jesse James couldn't keep it in their pants (I am by no way condoning what they did, I hope Elin and Sandra get everything they deserve it) Food addict? yeah right they are just fat. But then when I was explaining to my doctor what my body and my mind was going through as I binged, y'all would have thought I was talking about crystal meth. It was scary. I was talking like an addict. I heard it, my Doctor heard it. I mean think about it, about how easy it is to feed (no pun intended but have a chuckle, I did) this addiction. You need food to sustain your life, so it is always around, it is easily obtainable. I mean I was going as far as to have my life revolve around it (culinary school). I know some of you are rolling your eyes at this and that is ok. I am just happy you have made it this far.

Something else that came to play is, I never put myself first. I never really do anything for myself either, like get a pedicure, get a manicure, a facial... nothing. What I do for myself, that is just me is eat. I use food for everything, anger, sadness, depression, happiness, boredom, punishment. I swear I saw the freaking light go on, and it almost blinded me.

I left the session knowing what I needed to do, but finding it hard to say. This whole time I have been voicing my concerns to my dear besties, my family and everyone kept saying I can do this, You are strong, but inside I was breaking down. Their words were lovely and made me feel so blessed to have them in my life loving me and supporting me. But I began to feel like if I failed, not only would I be failing myself, but them too. I didn't think that was something I could handle. Sure I can handle failing myself, but not people I love and respect so much.

I made a list a Pros and Cons list just for me.

The subjects were: To stay in school and To get treatment.

So here is the plan.

My plan for getting better.

I am going to take the summer off of school and pursue treatment ( I need to work full time due to the cost of everything). This time I am going to put myself first. After 3 months and when fall quarter begins, we will see how I am doing.

So that is the plan and I am sticking to it.

If you got this far in this post

HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!