Sick? Really?

I hate being sick in the summer, It seems unnatural. I actually left early today, only worked a half day at that. I always feel super guilty when I get sick because it's not like I am doing anything productive with my time just sleeping and feeling sickly.

So in loo of a real post I am going to give you some pics that made for an interesting day...




When I went to my car this morning I was accosted by a herd of ducks. I am ok with ducks they don't scare the ever living crap out if me.

Then I was sitting at my desk minding my own business when I look down and see this




Say what?! A lady bug. He and I were together for a few minutes. Yes, I say he because I always remember in a bugs life how the lady bug got all up in the burly bugs face and said that being a lady bug automatically made him a girl so now I say he.

I got sent this today and it made me want one...


A meant a hooded duck towel... Not a baby..... Yeah right I can't lie to you guys.

Life, or something like it.

Sorry for being so MIA and leaving on such a sour note.

I am not sure if I am back back yet, but I looked at my blog and it looked so sad, so I thought I would give a little bit of an update.

Life is getting back on track, Hubs and are talking more about what we hope the next 3-5 years will bring us, and what we can do to make it happen. I kind of did a wife fail by getting plastered the eve of birthday and telling someone how I really felt about moving. Which is, I really don't want to and the only reason I said I would was because I wanted to be a good wife. That really didn't go over well, considering that was the first Hubs ever heard other wise and the fact that he over heard the conversation made matters worse.


He confronted me with it while drunk dialing some friends and I could tell something was wrong and so I very hastily got off the phone and asked what was wrong and he said "You lied to me." that was all it took. I busted out drunk crying and did so on and off through out the night. It all came out, I took down my "I hate to cry" wall and every thing that had been on my mind came out. The truth about moving, that yes I am still willing to do it if he can find a suitable job but not just because, that I want to be here for our pregnancy so I can experience it with my family, that I don't feel like he gave Ohio a chance, that I am scared I will loose myself again, am afraid I will loose touch with my family and friends. So needless to say we brought in the wee hours of the morning with some real heavy conversation, that honestly needed to happen anyway. I guess I just needed a little liquid courage to do it.


Things that we decided:

We are going to stay in Ohio for at least 5 more years

We are going to try to be in a house by the end of next year

We are going to hold off on baby making for a while, like it is completely off the table.


We both think it is important to have a house first before a baby, ok maybe not important but it is something we both want to accomplish before baby makes 3.


We want an older home (like 1900-1940 construction), that needs a little updating. We really want to put our mark on a house and we want it to be original. We are also looking outside of the city and more in the country. I am pretty pumped. Nothing too rural but something with a big back yard and mature trees. We found a contender that had everything (except a 2nd bathroom) and I even went as far as to contact the realtor. I just want to get a feel for the area, make sure the drive in to the city isn't too bad and the neighborhood. We shall see what comes from it.

So life is getting better, I feel more relaxed knowing that we have a plan even if it is just spoken right now.

My Birthday was good, my party was a little lame (Mexican wrestling.... belch). I guess that is what you get when you let boys have the remote. But all and all it was a good time spent with friends.

Got see squeaker this weekend and he is getting so big. I mean I know he is only 3 months old but this kid is already scooting and rolling over. I think that was another reason I didn't want to move. I want to be around my ever growing family... I mean hubs is at kind of a stand still considering he is the only one that is married.

Gearing up for the in-law visit, they come next week. Excited but stressed about getting rid of all the furniture that needs to be gotten rid of, and the cleaning. I am so self conscience about the state of my house with my Mother in law but what wife, new or not, isn't?

There you have it. A little update on what is going on with me.

Hope to be back in the full swing of things soon.

Love!

My M.O.

Last week one of the blogs that I follow talked about guilt. And for reals that is my M.O. I feel guilty more in my life than I would like to admit but that is how I am hard wired so I have to deal with it. I think we all feel the cold hand of guilt, as women we naturally do. It was funny, last friday was the annual celebration of my birth and I took the day off of work (totally didn't feel guilty for that) but on Thursday night I went over to my dad's house for some party supplies and had a little to much to drink. Now, when I drink, like most I get verbal diehrrea, and no one is safe. I made a comment that completely blind sided my husband and when we got home, even in my inebriated state could tell something was wrong.

Me (hanging up the phone from my second drunk dial of the evening): What is wrong?

Hubs: You lied to me.

Me: Whaaaaaaaaat!?!

Hubs: You lied to me about moving...

then came the water works.

I completely broke down and every single thing that I had been feeling guilty about came out. It was a good release but I know was a lot for husband to take in all at once because there was a lot I talked about.

The next morning I recalled what had happened and really thought about everything I had said and it was still true that morning, it wasn't just a heightened sense of everything, that morning I was still feeling 100% guilty about everything that I had said. So I decided to get everything down on paper so I can look at everything:

I feel guilty:
that I told husband I would move when in all honesty I don't want to
that the house isn't always clean
that I am depressed
that I am not the wife I thought I would be
that I am tired all the time
that I want everything now
that I am hard on him
that I am hard on myself
that I am fat
that I can't seem to get motivated to get un fat
that my sex drive isn't what it used to be
that I still resent his upbringing
that I am still mad at my 81 year old Grandma
that I promised to further my relationship with God, but haven' been to church in a month
that what I have is never enough
that I have a temper
that I don't put a home cooked meal on the table every night
that I am a broken person
that I can't stand up to my family
that I feel so dag gone guilty all the time.

that is just the guilt I felt on that Friday.

That is a lot of feeling for one emotion.

What are you feeling guilty about today?

and how do you deal with it?

blah.

I am feeling so blah this week.



I mean I know that I am down but I am also completely zapped of any ounce of energy and really could care less that I need to clean my house, that laundry needs done, that my dog needs a bath hella bad.... I just don't care.


My house is in shambles right now, every time I try to clean I just make a bigger mess that I can't seem to get myself out from underneath. I can't seem to do anything but sleep, and I can't even do that right.

Having family issues right now that are really breaking me down. I know all she has done for me, and I can't even begin to express just how greatful I am for the opprotunities that she has givien me. But that is the issue, no matter how much I try and tell her thank you, it is never enough. I made one false move and now I am selfish. She said that I need to start thinking more about other peoples needs and feelings before my own, and she knows that I am young and spontaneous, but that doesn't give me the right to be selfish.

I feel really disconnected from my life, from my relationships, from my home everything.

I think one reason I am feeling so disconnected from everything is because I feel like I am in some sort of emotional limbo. I can honestly say right now I don't know what I want and I hate it. Move? stay here? house?baby??school? new job? I couldn't even tell you what I want more, or what is the lesser of 2 evils.

Anyway.

In lighter news. I may be doing a bedroom face lift here soon. The comforter that we got for our wedding was nice when we got it but I have found that it stains and wears super easy and now it looks older than 10 months. Last night Dot got stuff alllllll over it and I doubt that it will come out. We washed it in hopes that maybe we can get a coffee table instead but we shall see.

My inlaws are coming in 3 weeks and bringing a bunch of furniture with them from my Husband's Grandmothers house. so not only do I have to deep clean my house but now I have to get rid of furniture to make for an easy transfer. I am excited to get more grown up furniture.

Hair

You know when you get a hair cut and your hair feels light and airy and you can't stop touching it?

No. I didn't get a hair cut. I know I am probably taking my hair denial the wrong way, but a pair of shears isn't touching my mane for a looooooooooong time.

My Bestie Crystal and sister Erin are part of this curly girl revolution, Crystal has super curly hair and Erin has straight hair but this system is working for her. Always willing to try new things I listened and am in the process of reading the Curly Girl book. It is all so foreign to me. Not wash my hair? Use a t-shirt to dry my hair? Put stuff in it like KY? I wasn't sure how my hair would react, I tried the ever pure (from Lorel, it is free of sulfates) line and it was horrible not only did it do nothing for my hair I smelled like a heap of rosemary and mint. I like my hair to have a hint of my shampoo, not for it to even over power my perfume.

So what to do.

My hair is stick straight, I mean it is so straight that I can't use curlers because my hair won't bend that way. I don't think I can emphasize the stick straightness of my hair enough, when I was getting married I used the same hair dresser that Crystal had at her wedding and she remembered my hair and kind of groaned when we met for a hair trial. You get the point.

Although I love having straight hair, I hate it at the same time. Because I can't really do anything with it. I wash and dry my hair.... that is about it. I can only really curl my hair in the fall, you know low heat and humidity but I have to shalack it to get it to stay semi wavy.

I also have fine hair too, a lot of it. All of my life I have been struggling with limp lifeless hair until I found something new. In talking about curly girl, Bestie brought up the name Giovinni, it is an organic hair care line, she told me to get the tea tree triple treat conditioner, after one whiff I couldn't do it. It smelled like a, well a tree and I had to put it down (sorry Crystal, I tried) but it had all the elements that Crystal told me I needed. So I went back and looked at the other kinds of shampoo they had. Then I came across Smooth as Silk. It had a light scent, and it had a free sample of their intense protein hair mask.... sold! I love freebies.

I go home and do what any self respecting girl would do at 1 am.... I took a shower.

I didn't do my usual hair routine, of air drying to the point of damp and then blow drying, I just went to bed soppy headed. Naturally, in the morning my hair was a mess but my hair was super soft, and shiny. I played with it to get it to look like a normal persons and threw it up in a pony tail because I don't have great second day hair. Later that morning, I was going to re-adjust my ponytail and when I took it down I noticed it was still shiny, still soft and didn't look dirty. I left it down for the rest of the day and didn't think twice about it. Ok, I thought twice about it because I couldn't stop playing with my hair. It felt so light and airy.

I am not sure if it is because I broke out of the norm and got a new shampoo or because I just discovered the greatest thing (for my hair) since sliced bread.

Go out, try it. Or just try something new today. You may be pleasantly surprised.

On this installment of crap my dog ate

We add to the list a shark jaw.

Yes. A shark jaw.





I don't know why she wants to give me a heart attack but after this I am sure it is her mission in life.

I think in her list of top five things she has eaten this is probably right behind freezer pack and right above a leaf that she a serious allergic reaction too and was hospitalized for a couple of days.


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