Here we go

This is our first month of officially trying to conceive.

Scratch that, this is Mr.G's first month of saying we are actively trying, but we haven't been preventing since September of last year. Does that makes sense?

Mr. G would be all, "if it happens it happens."

Now he wants to make it happen, so here we are.

I don't really know where to start, or to say how long we have been trying. For me it was when we stopped preventing pregnancy (i.e. I stopped birth control and we started going au natural) So because this is my blog and there was a possibility of it we are going to say we have been trying since September.

We always said that we wanted to start trying after our first anniversary. Now I wasn't naive and knew the chances at conceiving on the first try were slim but I was so hopeful, like many women are.

Then month after month crept by and there was still no second line. So I decided I would start temping and charting with fertilityfriend.com

Ladies if you do this, it is addicting. You will seriously stalk your chart.

I over analyzed every twinge, every pain, every emotion because it HAD to mean something. This over obsession caused me to stress and become a sex Nazi, and when my thermometer broke mid cycle I thought I was going to die. I would like to tell you that I am over exaggerating here but I am totally not, I really did get almost depressed when I realized weeks worth of temping and charting were down the tubes.

That is when I decided to put a kibosh on temping because it was causing me to go bat shit crazy, so instead I would check my cm, watch for other signs of the big O and just relax.

I figured because we were "not preventing" (remember at this point husband was still to scared to call it trying) I decided I should go bet my lady bits in for a tune up. I found a OBGYN and made the appointment, it was in mid March. I went to the appointment and we did all the usual stuff as I was checking in and filling out the paperwork. When asked what birth control I was on (none) and what contraceptives I was using (nada) I got asked "how long have you been trying?" I said " we haven't been preventing since September." The doctor walked in about 25 min later and immediately started to grill me about my weight.

To highlight the conversation here is a breakdown:
Said my weight was a problem
I am probably infertile because of my weight
Wanted me to get in to my BMI (113-120lbs...lol I have NEVER been that weight in my life, even when I was at my healthiest) before I got pregnant
Said I was  high risk becuase:
I WOULD get hypertension
I WOULD get gestational diabetes
Started talking to me about infertility treatments

I think those were all the high points. This was all thrown at me before the initial exam....

I am going to say that I am not naive and I know that my weight is an issue, but this was my first encounter with size discrimination and I was floored. I left in tears because she put be in the group and didn't even listen to me and what I had to say. She slapped a label on me and put in a group that I don't necessarily belong in.

The fact of the matter is I have been tested for diabetes and cleared, my blood pressure is fine and I had had extensive blood work done within 6 months prior and was given a clean bill of health (my doctor said in a very doctor-y way that I was a pretty healthy fat person). I mean yes I still need to loose weight and be more active but that is a simple life style change to be made. Not loosing over 100lbs to look anorexic...

Anyway, as I left that day I felt defeated and like a failure as a woman, a failure because I wasn't pregnant yet.

I knew then and there that if I were to get pregnant she wouldn't be my doctor because I plan on (if all would go as planned) a natural childbirth and I dont' think she would respect that.

So here we are, in the middle of my cycle. Do I feel like this is my month? Of course, I feel like that every month. I am trying not to stress or dwell on anything but it is hard not to when you are trying to make a baby!

This time around I am still not temping (that maybe changing), but I am using opk (ovulation predictor kits).

I am hoping the combination of the opk and using FAM (fertility awareness method) will get me preggers.

Next week I will enter in to the dreaded 2 week wait phase and you will all probably want to take me out back and put me out of my misery.

fingers crossed!