The something big that almost was.

This past week we hell for me.

My something big was going to be talking about going back to school and how after a lot of discussing with husband, researching the field and its demand, talking to people in the field that it was decided that I would be going back.

But something else happened.

I was 7 days late.

So as I am gearing up to tell you about school, I thought that I was going to be telling you something much different.

I didn't think anything of it when I was a day late or even 2 days for that matter because with stress or something that has happened before. But when days 3 and 4 came along I started to get hopeful. I didn't want to dwell on it or stress to much, yeah right. I have made it no secret that I want to be pregnant like yesterday but I for the sake of this being like every other month I knew dwelling about it would make it worse.

Day after day there was still no sign of it, the it being that second line I so desperately want to see.

Then Sunday came, I was really hoping to give my mother the best Mother's day gift by telling her she was going to be a Grandma again. But instead I was in a tremendous amount of pain, not of a broken heart that I started but actual physical pain.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling a tad crampy nothing to write home about. So as instructed by my husband I was to take a pregnancy test that morning, so when two loud ass birds were fighting out back at 6 in the morning I was awake and decided to take the dreaded pregnancy test. I did and immediately it said negative so I threw it away and tried to go back to bed. Needless to say I couldn't sleep. I grabbed my pillow and went to go lay downstairs but as I laid in the in quite of morning it started. What were light cramps that only lasted a few minutes turned to it wave after wave of debilitating cramps. I made my way to the downstairs bathroom where I thought I was going to be sick it hurt so much. All I could do is lay down and will them away. I knew I had started even with out proof and I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by the amount of pain I was in. I cried as I held myself not only for the amount of pain I was in, but also for the fake out my body had given me.

If you would have asked me on Wednesday if I was pregnant, I would have said yes. I thought for sure the fact that I was late could only be because I was pregnant, I thought for sure that my nipple tenderness only confirmed that further, I thought my new found love for milk was my first craving and my new found loathing of soda and turkey was my first aversion, I thought the sporadic cramping I was having meant that there was a baby in there, I thought that me conking out on the couch by 9pm every night was my body telling me it was tired from making a baby all day.

Yes, I cried because I wasn't pregnant. I cried because I was going threw this physical pain again and because I feel like a failure as a woman because I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

I feel foolish sometimes for getting so emotional about it. I mean, we haven't even hit the tip of the ttc iceberg and I am already feeling overwhelmed. When I pictured how I would "get pregnant" It would be after a night of gallivanting with my husband and I would magically wind up being pregnant and the earth would rejoice.

 When that didn't happen I saw it as maybe I would be like my sister in law and go off my birth control and then 2 months later be pregnant. Yeah, that would be how it would be, then the earth would rejoice.

Over the weekend my Besties husband asked my husband if we were trying and husband responded "well we aren't preventing," to his response "Yeah, you're trying."

We are almost to our year mark of trying. I know couples have been trying for years, I know couples have tried for years only to find out they can't. This is why I feel awk talking about this to people. I don't know some of your stories, I don't know your struggles and I don't want to come off as some whiny lady that doesn't know what true hardship is.

My relationship with God is so much stronger than it was even last year. I know I may not make it to church every Sunday but I follow the sermons, I read the word, I pray for an open heart and for me to just let go and let him take over.

What I will say, which is still awk for me to say , but on Sunday as I laid on my cold bathroom floor, sure my this pain was my uterus detaching from my body, I was mad at God. I was mad that again my womb was empty, that I was in this much pain.

I had so many questions that I wanted answered.

Why can bigger girls than me get pregnant and I can't?

Why can heroine addicts and coke heads get pregnant and I can't?

Why do you allow people who are going to harm their children physically, mentally, emotionally have then and I can't?

What did I do to not deserve your miracle?

I gave myself a moment. That was it a moment to be angry and ask my questions.

I made sure to be on the couch when my Husband came down because I didn't want him to worry. He didn't ask any questions but when I told him I had started he was outwardly upset. He didn't cry, he didn't get angry he just got really quiet.

We talked about it and we are both so ready to start a family. He told me how every day that I was late he was getting more and more excited about having a baby. How seeing me with Paisley just made me feel "ready".

So there you have it ladies. My week from hell.

I hope you all had a better week than this and a wonderful Mother's Day. Although I couldn't give my mom the news I wanted, we still had an awesome day.

Here's hoping this is my month!