Many shades of depression

Hey there.

Sorry about being all great about posting, then not.

Before I start my post I want to say that I started my new job yesterday and although it is going to be a learning curve I am really excited.
Now to the post.

Although, now that I am in to the job and happy with this decision I can say that last week I wasn't showing it.

Last week, actually the last month has been very hard and extremely eye opening.

Hard as in...

My house is in a constant state of gross, no lie. There is poop and pee everywhere, but what do you expect when you have 10 dogs running your house? Granted 2 are house broken and the pups are surprisingly good about going on the puppy pads and newspaper but that still means 8 dogs are voiding in my house. There were times last week that I would avoid going home if I went out, or I would just cry. It has been a great experience but so overwhelming. I have never worked this hard cleaning to have nothing to show for it. I mop all the floors every night, do 2 loads of laundry every night, cook and clean up the kitchen every.single.day. And that doesn't even account for time spent playing with the pups and cleaning up after them before they go down to bed, and then all the mopping and such begins.

I was so short tempered with everyone and not to mention beyond frustrated. I am not one of those people that think this is temporary and try to work through it. I see what is right in front of me and it is hell, and how I was feeling, and I hate to admit this, I wanted to run. I didn't feel like everyone was pulling their weight, I always had to spend the most time with the pups and I wanted to just grab a few things a leave. I can't tell you for how long or to where but anything would have been better than at my house.

Eye opening as in...
With all that just said, I can say that I don't know if I want kids. Like I do, but I really don't. I see how I felt and how I handled myself and I don't want to put a child through that. My childhood was riddled with emotional neglect and I see how that affected me and I think I am doing myself and my hypothetical children a favor if I just don't have any.  How I was feeling I can only compare to post partum and I didn't even have the hormones that went along with it. Husband said this is a deal breaker and I didn't know how to take that, as a threat? I am still not sure.

Hard as in...
Here I am working full time again with no way to finish my major while working this schedule. I am at a complete loss as to what to do and if I should do anything. I am just tired of trying and something getting in the way, myself, money, whatever it may be, but it is always something. How things are going I will be supporting my husband through school while he gets a new degree. I can't be mad at him but I resent the situation, his parents paid for his first degree so he left college debt free and they have offered to pay for this second go. I mean more power to them for being able to but at the same time it makes me grouchy.

Eye opening as in...
I need a new plan.

Hard as in...
I never thought I would feel this alone in my marriage. Husband and I have hit a kind of dry spell and a rut rolled in to one. His has to deal with his reality that he can't find a new job with his lack of experience, he can't live how he is used to, he can't support me the way he wants to and to tell you the truth I actually got mad at him for not getting the job. I know it makes me horrible but at the same time I knew what it meant. it meant I had to quit school and get a new job. I don't feel like we are seeing eye to eye on a lot of things and because everything he is trying to deal with on top of y depression and general disdain for my life right now, we haven't been having sex. This is a big thing for me, it isn't just that my self esteem thrives on the high I feel afterward, but just the closeness of this beloved person. I know that it would relieve some of the frustration, anger and loneliness I feel but it takes 2 to tango and husband just won't do it.

He said he is tired and it makes me want to hit him. I am tired, we are all tired, I just wish he could muster the energy to be intimate more than once a month. I laid it out to him that what we are doing, our lives, I could do with anyone, but I CHOSE him to share my intimacy with and when we aren't I think what is the point?

I get the whole, "Well you should try spicing it up" to which I say FUCK.YOU. He said he wanted it spicy, so I made a game (he drew a card and it designated a new position or place to have some fun), I wore the lingerie, I sent the sessy texts. I have tried. I am done trying. Ball is in his court.

Eye opening as in...
Is this really what I want?
Yes
No
Yes
No
Yes?

Hard as in...
we are so in debt and behind on bills that we sold my car.

Eye opening as in...
Even if I wanted to go somewhere I couldn't...

When I was younger and I started to realize what I was feeling wasn't just sadness and that it wasn't usual for people to have a prepped and meticulously written letter that could be perceived as a suicide note, "just in case" something happened. It wasn't usual for people to want to hurt themselves, it wasn't usual for people to put them selves in dangerous situations and say "what ever will be will be". In the thick of this forest there was a clearing I realized that I was suffering from depression and headed back in to the tree line an evolved species, one that's senses were sharpening in the dark. I feel as if I am making my way to a clearing but this time I am afraid of what that clearing may bring, of the revelations that may come with the sun.