Maternity Leave

Well, the time has come.

My maternity leave is over, two weeks early due to my short term disability not being approved due to a "pre-exsisting medical condition", I just loved that they called my pregnancy and my child a "pre-exsisting medical condition". Too say I was mad when they gave me their rundown would be an understatement and I may or may have not used fuck a few times in the conversation that followed. I am not proud of that moment but I blame sleep deprivation and coming down from my hormones.

As my maternity leave comes to a close and I am left with mixed emotions. The thought of leaving my little girl for 8 hours a day is heart breaking and, dare I say (for fear of sounding like a terrible mother), a relief.

The "hard" that other moms talk about are different for each mom, or it can be a combination. For some it is the lack of freedom, some it is the helplessness and some it is the loneliness.

Mine is mostly the helplessness I feel when I have done everything the books say, everything I know to do and she is still screaming bloody murder. I start to question my instincts as a mother which I will admit aren't as strong as I thought they would be. I am not saying that I am not a total mother bear, because I am. I just thought there was going to be one transcendent moment where I knew what cry meant what, and all of a sudden this ancient knowledge would wash over me.... yep still waiting for that. Instead I felt like a dog that was left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Confused, scared and sad, the car was my old life, warm and comfortable and motherhood is this new strange place.

The relief that I fear I will feel is that I am happy to have the break that husband got, 8 hours of busy work in an environment where I am somewhat in control, and no one is barfing on me. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and I know in my case it will but shouldn't a good mother want to stay all day and stare at her baby? I mean I thought I wanted too and given the chance I think I still would because when its good, it is SO good. We had very few good days but when we did I felt like I could conquer the world. Maybe it is because those first 8 weeks are the hardest I feel this way and I have this fear rising in me that I don't know what hard is because I have been home for 8 weeks. Sure lets throw work on top of that and be a good mother all the while trying to stay sane.

Operation awesome, kick ass, working mom is now in effect.

DAY ONE: FIRST DAY BACK.