cough, hack, wheeze, sniffle

I am sick.

Not as bad as yesterday but I still sound like a creepy mouth breather.

Dang sinuses, stupid high tree pollen, you are slowly killing me.

You know what else is killing me? the rain. I get it, it is spring time, but I thought the saying was April showers brings May Flowers... Last time I checked we are well in to May. So hey mother nature take a cue from the adage and give me a warm sunny day, and if you can squeeze a nice cool breeze in there it would be awesome.

I got sent this pic yesterday and I melted.

I friggn cute is this kid? I mean I know he is sitting up like that because he has acid reflux and can't sleep laying down, but come on!?!?!?

So yesterday while I was in my sickness induced stooper, before hubs left for work he was all like " I hate to do this to you?" to which I responded "then don't do it." That's right I can still be witty with snot on my face. This thing he hated to do to me was make me give my dog a bath. Yeah cause she rolled in poop. IN POOP. I was so mad at her. I had just taken so get better pills and was out of it and told hubs to put her in her cage and I would get to her after a nap. Oops! 4 hours later I finally wake up and go to her cage and look her over.... there is no poop on her. The way hubs made it sound I was going to have to cut the matted mess out of her fur... yeah there was a small quarter sized dot of something that I just wiped off. And he calls me dramatic.

Ok do any of you watch Grey's Anatomy?

I am still trying to recover. I mean way to ease us in to the killing spree Shonda Rimes, like a point blank shot to the head. My fav episode before this was the bomb episode from the second season. But this waaaaaaaaaaaay surpasses it. As I told my mom on the phone during the commerical breaks, they may have a lack luster season but always have good season finales.

And can I just say that True Blood starts in 3 weeks!

pumped.

A lot going on

Sorry I have MIA this week.

I guess I just didn't have much to say, this week has been busy with school, doctor's appointments, a sickness to battle... so it has been a pretty blah week.

First before I get in to the heavy let me just tell everyone that my brother comes home today.. FOR GOOD!!! That is right, with 2 stress fractors in his feet the army said that he can be discharged.

ok on to the next part.

I hope I don't turn people off to reading my little ditties when I bring up topics like depression, eating disorders, and other sometimes uncomfortable subject matter. I do it because I like being open about it. As I said before I am not looking to inspire, or what ever you want to call it but if you leave this blog having learned something for the day, that is great. I guess what I am trying to say is this is my journal, my piece of mind, all of my mind the good the bad and the ugly.

On Wednesday, at what felt like the but ass crack of dawn I had a therapy session. Oh yeah, if I didn't tell you I am in therapy.

This last session and the session before have really been moving for me. They have set in motion for me growth and a course of treatment that will hopefully "cure" me. I say that because I will always have to deal with this, but hopefully with treatment it will be more manageable.

I know you all may know what depression is but for the sake of the ones that don't and for the sake of medical reference here is the definition:

Depression is a state of low mood and aversion to activity. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders defines a depressed person as experiencing feelings of sadness, helplessness and hopelessness.

I know that I have talked about Stigmas before and i am going to again, I am also not naive to the fact that everything has a stigma even your hair color.

The stigma with being depressed is you are a Debbie downer of sorts, you always want to kill yourself or have tried, you are like the people in the dramatizations on the depression tv ads where you even neglect your dog.

Some people use it as a cop out, which give us clinically depressed people a bad rap. The people that use depression for their short comings, like their drinking problem, their laziness, their dug use.

So you see when I tell you that there isn't an actual count of people that are depressed because people don't want to own up to it. They say roughly 12 million Adults in the U.S. are suffering form depression.

I have what is know as Dysthymia which is a chronic mood disorder that falls within the depression spectrum, the opposite of hyperthymia. It is considered a chronic depression, but with less severity than major depressive disorder. This disorder tends to be a chronic, long-lasting illness.

You are learning a lot I know.

Anywhoozer back to my session.

The session before last my eating issues were brought right out to the forefront where I couldn't hide from them. I had to talk to my Doctor about my binging and purging, my eating habits, my triggers to eat. And after I answered all her questions, to be honest I felt like a horrible person. That is the best that I can describe it. I don't hate weakness in others but in myself I hate it. I hate crying, I hate that I can't deal with things like "normal" people, I hate that I am depressed all the time.... you get the point.

My doctor referred me to the center for balanced living. It is a center for eating disorders, and I am to be evaluated. That was a slap into reality for me. I never thought my binging and purging was a big deal, I mean I always stopped. And I do not have the physique of someone who has an eating disorder. I can actually say I am afraid to go, I am afraid that I am going to walk in and get gawked at, and get the "why is she here" glances. But, I will have to man it up because I know that this is the best thing for me. Not only will they help with the obvious but also with how I look at food. I mean I am starting to second guess myself on what I view as addiction. Sex Addict? yeah right Tiger Woods and Jesse James couldn't keep it in their pants (I am by no way condoning what they did, I hope Elin and Sandra get everything they deserve it) Food addict? yeah right they are just fat. But then when I was explaining to my doctor what my body and my mind was going through as I binged, y'all would have thought I was talking about crystal meth. It was scary. I was talking like an addict. I heard it, my Doctor heard it. I mean think about it, about how easy it is to feed (no pun intended but have a chuckle, I did) this addiction. You need food to sustain your life, so it is always around, it is easily obtainable. I mean I was going as far as to have my life revolve around it (culinary school). I know some of you are rolling your eyes at this and that is ok. I am just happy you have made it this far.

Something else that came to play is, I never put myself first. I never really do anything for myself either, like get a pedicure, get a manicure, a facial... nothing. What I do for myself, that is just me is eat. I use food for everything, anger, sadness, depression, happiness, boredom, punishment. I swear I saw the freaking light go on, and it almost blinded me.

I left the session knowing what I needed to do, but finding it hard to say. This whole time I have been voicing my concerns to my dear besties, my family and everyone kept saying I can do this, You are strong, but inside I was breaking down. Their words were lovely and made me feel so blessed to have them in my life loving me and supporting me. But I began to feel like if I failed, not only would I be failing myself, but them too. I didn't think that was something I could handle. Sure I can handle failing myself, but not people I love and respect so much.

I made a list a Pros and Cons list just for me.

The subjects were: To stay in school and To get treatment.

So here is the plan.

My plan for getting better.

I am going to take the summer off of school and pursue treatment ( I need to work full time due to the cost of everything). This time I am going to put myself first. After 3 months and when fall quarter begins, we will see how I am doing.

So that is the plan and I am sticking to it.

If you got this far in this post

HIGH FIVE!!!!!!!

They call me Grace.

Saturday night I decided I was going to surprise my hubby with a romantic evening. I took my time getting ready, took a nice long shower, tried on different lingerie choices, put on some make up and did my hair. I even went as far as to clean the bed room.

With candles lit, the mood was set. The anticipation of Hubsy coming home was great and I couldn't just wait around, so periodically I would go back in the bath room and fiddle with my hair, maybe spritz some more perfume on, I wanted to look perfect. On my last ill fated trip to the bathroom I was walking kind of briskly, I took on step on the cool tile floor and was DOWN.

Yes, I face planted.. hard. It wasn't even one of those where as you are loosing your balance you think "woah I am going to fall woah." No, this is was one second I am up right and the next I am in a heap of despair. You would have thought I was in the matrix and I was just unplugged. I think I hit the cabinet doors, which did not break my fall as you might think, they actually hurt worse than they floor. I swore that I gashed my leg open on the air vent because it was throbbing and stinging. Great. I thought to myself, my husband is going to come home to a sexy letter on the front door that says "come upstairs, I have a surprise for you." to find me in scantly clad in lingerie and in a pool of my own blood. Not the surprise he probably had in mind.

I was scared to open my eyes but I had to because my pup was freaking out. If she were to have been any closer to my face she would have been licking my temporal lobe. I could hear her inner monologue "MOM ,MOM, MOM, ARE YOU OK!?!?! MOM, MOM, MOM, ANSWER ME!!! I CAN'T CALL 911, I DON'T HAVE THUMBS, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!!!! but I did and I assessed the situation, No blood, awesome, starting to move my body and I don't think anything is broken, bonus. As I crawled my way back to the upright position the ache sat in, So I took 2 alive and limped my way to the bed. Thank Goodness Hubs wasn't home for about another hour, I had time to recuperate.

I hurt real bad Sunday morning, after the alive had worn off. I still feel like I was in wrestling match with a walrus. Walrus 1 Mrs. G 0

Uh... it's Friday

This is probably my fav day of the week. I know that I still work, but the anticipation makes it great, I mean who else on a Friday thinks that 4:59 is the longest freaking minute in the world? This weekend warrior does.

I love hitting my my office door, blinded by the natural light that I have been deprived from all day, getting in my car and rolling down the widows and letting the cool breeze of freedom blow through my hair..... ah yes.

This weekend equals Candle Party Tonight + Garage Saleing and cleaning tomorrow + Homework and Church on Sunday = a pretty chill weekend in the G house hold. But I am totally ok with it.

Hubs and I hashed out some details on the home front and I already feel like a weight has been lifted. I can feel myself destressing, even if it is a little bit at a time.

Has everyone heard of the website Shit my kids ruined.... YOU HAVEN'T?!?!?!?! Google it, go and have a great laugh today.

I want it to be super warm so that means that it is laying out season. I haunting myself with my whiteness.

My birthday is 2 months and 2 days away, can we say exciting!?!?! I think we can, and it is on a Friday this year.... PAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARTY!!!!!!! I am excited. I love my birthday.

Oh and I go to Savannah In 3 weeks, never been and I am excited to see what all the hullabaloo is about.

So today was random to say the least.

Live it, Love it, embrace it.

Just call me June

It came up in conversation about what I wanted to do with my life (yes I am still getting those talks) and I when I told this said person what I really wanted to do you would have thought I said change my name to kevin and return my taco for a hot dog... yeah I just went there.

I know what you are asking yourself, "what could she have possibly said?" You want to know what I said? I said that I wanted to be a stay at home mom. That's it, I got a blank stare and then asked "why?" In way that rubbed me as rough as a brillo pad, I didn't feel the need to defend my answer so all I said was "Cause."

What is the issue today with wanting to do it the June Clever way? Stay home to care for your children and maintain your home. Pearls are optional of course.

I mean is there a stigma towards it? That because I am a stay at home mom that it is by my husbands force and he keeps me pregnant and chained to the stove?

I have my personal reason that if said person would have been nice about asking me why I would have been more than happy to answer, so I am going to answer them now.

Ahem...

* I am not trying to paint and ill or tragic picture of my Mom or childhood, I had a great childhood and I have the world's best mom, yes I maybe biased,but if you challenge me on this fact I will evoke the power of Chuck Norris and round house kick you back to the medieval times where you shall get bubonic...*

where was I? Oh yeah.

I came from a single parent household with 2 kids. My mom had to get us ready every morning and off to school, work all day, run us around to various activities, cook dinner, clean, help us with homework, do bath time, check for monsters under the bed and so needless to say my mom was wiped out at the end of the day but she did everything with a smile on her face. I knew even then that she wanted to be home with my Brother and I but she couldn't.

So my child hood was filled with baby sitters (some good and some bad), days spent at my Grandma's house or, my poor brother, days at home with him watching me. We never had sit down meals, brown bag lunches, costumes made by hand for report day, crafts anything like that and to me that was fine because that is what I knew as the norm.

It wasn't until I was much older, and when I started actually thinking about kids that I knew that, even though my mom did an amazing job, I wanted more.

I want to be that mom.

You all know what I am talking about, the one that bakes cookies for the bake sale, has the big birthday party with the cake made from scratch, sits down with her children and finger paints. A mom that focuses 100 % on her kids.

I have never nor will I ever been career driven, I have never seen myself pounding the pavement in a power suit, taking working lunches and getting home at the wee hours in the morning. As Jennifer Anitson says in the movie "Marley and Me" : "when I am at work all I can think about is home, when I am at home all I can think about is work. I don't want to do this half way, and I don't want to give this up. (this isn't exact, I can't find the quote but you get the idea)" I think this speaks to most new moms that have to go back to work in a few short weeks after labor.

So what is the big deal with Traditional vs. non traditional? What does that even mean anymore?

Terms

I am coming to them. And to be honest it SUCKS!!!!!


This week has been a long hard week for me, emotionally and mentally draining.


I have begun a healing process that I hope in the end will leave me at peace with who I am and the demons that I have faced and that I am going to be battling my whole life.

My bestie gave be the best compliment last night, that I will carry with me always. She told me how strong I am. This coming from her, a talented, beautiful, strong woman herself, kinda meant the world to me. Right now I feel weak, and ashamed and I know it will pass, but the Revelation of Wednesday could leave even the most confidant person a little shell shocked and that is exactly how I felt. Like in the movies when I bomb goes off and the actor is all disoriented.

Some people can't believe how much I open up about these dark aspects of myself but I see it as my own brand of therapy and since I don't the most supportive family (some members excluded) I have to build my support group in other ways. Kitty (head doctor) has helped my tremendously but sometimes she can be a little unrealistic with things, but then again so can I. So I like my little piece of the world wide web to say things my way and try to work through them without a paid professional. I also see it as a form of awareness. Maybe if I write about something one of you is going through you will feel inspired to find the right way for your self..... or I don't know, I feel like I sound like Oprah.... not what I was striving for...



So, I want to thank everyone who reads this blog, it means a lot to me.



Now that I got that out there lets get on with the weekend plans.



Tonight I am staying in with Hubs and cleaning and relaxing. Tomorrow, my mom and I are going to make our way to Tipp City to see this squeaker!

I get 2 days with him, 2 days!!! I am so excited.

Well Lovelies, have a terrific weekend and remember to give your Mommas some love!

What do you mean Santa isn't real!??!

That is exactly how I feel right now. So think back to your childhood and remember the pangs of sadness felt when you realized your life was a lie.


I am in such a funk. A big ole funk-idy funk.


I am so overwhelmed right now and I don't know how to underwhelm. School is a lot harder than I thought it would be, and I am having a lot of trouble keeping up.


When I was in school all day everyday yes it was easier, but I still had to work for every grade I got, when you have a "learning issues"( I have ADD and yes it is causes problems) that will happen. But, I overcame and actually made decent grades, that was then this is now. I was never allowed to have a job when I was in school and now I see why, being stretched to thin sucks. I mean back then it was school and school related stuff, now I am up against, work, marriage, the responsibilities of being an adult and to tell you the truth it is too much.


This is something I want sooooo badly but I am so far away from it and I didn't want to do a mediocre job of it either. Which is what I am doing... a half assed rendition of a college experience.


If I were to stay in school I would graduate (if all goes well) in January and then start at my Bachelors degree and be in school for another 1 1/2 to 2 years. But I keep asking the question is it really worth it? I think another reason this question is haunting me is because I have no idea what I want to do. If I had some direction maybe it would be better but I got nadda.

For years I never thought of anything different, I saw myself walking down the aisle to pomp and circumstance and collecting my hard earned degree but it seems to be getting fuzzier.

There is just a lot of stress, a lot of pressure and a lot of confusing things going on right now and I can't seem to get the upper hand.