Realization

Today I had a moment when I knew it wasn't just being down and missing everyone, a moment when I realized that this was a terrible mistake.

We had a plan.

We were going to wait to move to SC once we were done with our credit counsiling (October 2016), but instead jumped the gun and now we are between a rock and a hard place.

Our credit sucks and we won't be able to really rectify it until we are done with our credit counsiling so that means no house.

While on the phone with the lenders getting this news about how "Negative" our credit report was I realized how done I am with this situation.

I am DONE scraficing

This was the nail in the coffin for me, I swear to baby Jesus if my husband thinks that my mother, himself, my daughter, our 2 dogs and myself are going to cram in to an apartment he can go take a walk.

I have a perfectly nice house, in OHIO that accomdates us nicely.

Almost there.

I only have a minute because I should be packing....

I have started a post probably three times now but they turn out so debbie downer that I decide not to post them.

I am not happy to be moving

I am not looking forward to starting a new job

I am not excited to be a single parent for goodness knows how long

but I breathe and keep going.

A lot of lasts are happening, which I hate thinking of them as such, like I am a prisoner on death row.

But it is goodbye or See you later.

I am happy to report that packing, although at a stand still is about 90% done. I feel like I have wasted so much time these past 10 days but in all honesty I can't pack up anymore of Sarah's toys or room because we are still living here. So much has to happen the last three days that I am worried I won't be able to enjoy my last days as an Ohioan. My mom took the week off to help and hopefully with her as a helper and a distraction I get everything done in ample time to say goodbye to my home.

Please send me motivation/a kick to the butt to get the rest of this packing done.

Next time I post it will be from the Low Country!

Looking forward

In the interest in trying to stay positive and not dwell in the heart wrenching sadness that almost flattens me like a truck when I think about leaving my home. I have started a list of things I am looking forward to about this move.

Here is my list thus far:

1. Warmer weather:

Living my entire life in Ohio I have seen some brutal winters, gloomy days lasting months, winds that chill you to the bone and  hurt your face and saying that weekly prayer that this snow storm will shift north or south.

They are already in a thaw in SC, temps are reaching a lovely 60 degrees. My flips flops are calling me and my toes are begging to me painted a bright and fun color.

2. Being surrounded by people with similar weight loss/health goals:

I love my husband, and one thing that still blows me away is that he loves me (is attracted to me) no matter what I look like. He loved me when I was 130 pounds and that love and tenderness didn't falter when my weight sky rocketed to 250. As much as I adore my husband's love for my body (especially when I can't) it can cause a state of "oh what the hell" with my eating. Not to mention husband isn't the greatest partner in a healthy life style. The man would eat a 5 lb bag of gummy bears in one sitting if I didn't stop him.

My MIL and SIL are both trying to get in better shape and drop some weight. It will be nice to have support system that is trying to reach this goal with me instead of eating a twinkie and cheering me on from the side lines.

3. Going to Church:

My husband's family is very active in their church community and I can't wait to join them. I have said before that I feel like this is one aspect in my life that is missing, that I haven't cultivated. I want Sarah to know God in away that I never did, to be strong in her faith and this is the first step.

And I get to sing in a choir again. EXCITED!

4. Close proximity to the beach:

this should be higher on the list, I can't even tell you how excited I am that I will be 10 mins from the beach and plan on being there every weekend. It is a luxury lost on some, but for a Yankee like me that had to travel 13 hours to get to an ocean, that I want to soak up every minute I can.

My list of things I will miss is three times as long,if not longer, but I take note if I find myself getting excited about something. I need to stay positive for my family, no matter how much my heart hurts and hope the sound of the beach waves will ease it.

south carolinian

It's official.

As of March 23rd, 2015 I will be a resident of South Carolina.

I am still in shock that this is happening so quickly but at the same time I keep thinking to myself that it maybe better that I am ripping the band-aid.

There is so much to do and so little time to do it in, I am making lists out the wazoo and still crying every once in a while.

It hits me in waves.

I think about the warm weather, the beach, having weekends/holidays off and obtaining this goal that I set for myself and I am no cloud nine.

then it hits me that in a few weeks I will probably never step foot in my first home again, the home that we brought Sarah home too, where she learned to crawl and learned to walk. That I won't be staying at home with her anymore, that I can honestly say that I have no idea when we will be a family of three under one roof again, that she may not "remember" Matthew when she does see him.

Before my interview I found myself alone, at my dad's house, sitting in the quiet and profoundly drawn to scripture. I was surprised myself because I am not that person.

I prayed for a calm heart and a steady voice, to find the right words and for calm of my nerves

I found this:

 I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I wrote it on a piece of paper so I could read it.

I repeated to myself as the all came in.

Never have I found truer words to be spoken.

I have this hanging in my bathroom so I can read it every morning, noon and it is the last thing I see before I go to sleep.

This is happening for a reason, and it may not be clear yet, but I know it is in his plan for me.

Everybody does it.

A lot is happening, could be happening.

Husband is from the south, hence the blog title, and when we got married I always promised we would move. He made the move north for me so I would reciprocate the favor, the only hitch was I wanted to stay until I had our first baby. He agreed, I mean it would have been my first pregnancy and I wanted to be around my family and friends.

That time has come and gone and our "baby" (I use "" because she is a full blown toddler now), is almost 2 and we are talking about number 2 (did you think poo? I almost rewrote that line because I started to chuckle at number 2.... I am almost 30) and I would be lying if the allure of the warmer weather and beach proximity wasn't tempting.

I just knew it would happen this way and just prayed that it wouldn't, that he would prove me wrong this time.

I want to preface this with I love my husband, so much it hurts.

With that being said.

I know he moved here for me and I have been nothing but supportive about moving for him.

I have given up school twice because WE needed me to work full time
I have given up working in a department where myself and my work was appreciated and we all got along and really enjoyed each other.
and now I am putting myself up for a job that would see me giving up staying home with Sarah and it hurts so much I can't even type this without tearing up.

I know everything happens for a reason, without quitting school and getting the job at OSU, I may have never of gotten pregnant, if I didn't already work at OSU I may have never gotten the job that allowed me to stay at home with Sarah.

But giving up staying at home with her is almost too much.

I am up for a job at a hospital in SC. I would move down there, with Sarah, and live with my in laws.

I was just hoping that for once, our major life changing event didn't depend solely on me.

He says if I am this miserable about the thought of leaving then I shouldn't take the job, but how can I not? He would never forgive me, nor would his family for passing on this opportunity.

I am between a rock and hard place that is covered with rusty nails.

I keep telling myself, most mothers work, you can do this.

But everything in my body is aching and my heart is fighting me, screaming at me to stay with my baby.

Everybody does it.

Everybody does it.

You can do this.

Breathe.

getting back on track

You saw in my happening post that I lost just about 50lbs from the birth of Sarah (summer 2013) to last summer.

Y'all I wore shorts in public.

I haven't done that since I was a senior in high school, 10 very long years ago.

Anyway, I knew I had taken a huge chunk out of my weight loss goal, but still had a ways to go.

I did it through weight watchers but the cost of monthly meetings was becoming a burden, so I had to stop my monthly membership after about 5 months.

I was golden until the holidays hit, actually until Christmas.

I had put on about 5 (or so) lbs before Christmas but I thought I could handle that number and as soon as the holidays were over I would knock it out like before.

Well on Christmas I got in to a hand to mandolin fight and I totally lost. I cut the tip and most of my nail off of my middle finger on my right hand.

It wasn't terrible, considering where I work I see people loose whole hands, arms, legs, you name it. It was just very, very painful.

Anyway, I got really depressed afterward. I couldn't do anything with my hands with out a white hot pain shooting through my hand. Let me tell you something, do you know how much you hit your hands during the day? Or how drawn to a bandaged finger a toddler can be? Or how hard it is to change a diaper with a bum finger?

I know it sounds silly to get down and out about a finger that was going to heal and be fine but I did. And how did I wallow in my depression, with cookies, and fudge and ice cream.

Seriously, I am surprised I made it out of 2014 not being a diabetic.

Anyway, I have now gained, what I feel like is 15 lbs, I don't weigh myself unless it is an utter last resort. All I know is the jeans that I was running through fields in July because they fit, I can't even button any more.

So I sat down and devised a plan.

I really need to get my body and mind in check. I don't want to be on a diet forever, and I don't want to pay for weekly weigh ins forever too.

I want to make healthier choices and see my daughter make those same choices.

Guys, she actually brought me a bag of potato chips a couple weeks ago and I about died.

I know you guys have seen numerous posts just like this, but this is bigger than me, it's so my daughter grows up with a positive mentality towards healthy choices instead of a love affiar with twinkes. Seriously, my mom's motto is "I never met a twinkie that told me I was a bad person."

And we wonder why I have problems with food.

Guilt

Can we take a moment to talk about guilt.

More specifically, mom guilt.

Not to be confused with the guilt your mother made you feel for not cleaning your room or something, that is an art form that will be learned in time. No I am talking about the all consuming guilt that you are a terrible mother.

I know I can't be the only one out there that feels this way.

This week was super challenging at home with Sarah. Her sleep has been off, she is getting really frustrated with her lack of communication and I am pretty sure she is getting a mad case of cabin fever. By mid week she was a screaming, crying mess and I was at my wits end with her.

It hit me like a ton of bricks on Thursday, I had had a night of terrible sleep and had been up since 2 am. Little miss woke up an hour and a half earlier than usual which I knew would throw off her whole day and it did.

My patience is something to be desired and is something that I work on daily because, lets face it, people with no patience are usually assholes and I know I get this way, I hate to admit it, with Sarah. I feel terrible and I try to correct myself when I feel like I am getting overwhelmed but Thursday I had nothing.

She would take my hand and walk me in to the kitchen, and just scream. I gave her juice, she threw it. I made her breakfast, and she smeared it all over the table and fed a great amount to the dogs. I yelled, I refused my hand to her. I am trying my damnedest to point and say what things are hoping she will pick it up and finally say "juice", "snack","bowl", "cereal"... anything. But instead she just screams.

Sarah is 19 months old and has yet to say an actual word, she says Bah Bah for bye bye, and bab for baby, Si for yes (no idea where she picked that up) and Di for done.

She hasn't just looked at a ball and said "ball" and for that I feel like I have failed her in some way. I tried, early on to incorporate reading time in to our daily schedule but she would have none of it. She would rather be running around climbing on something.

That day, the day of her screaming, and my patience wearing thin, I can honestly say that once my husband got home I went upstairs and only came back down to make dinner. I needed a break from her and the rest of my family. I mean I actually missed her, sitting up in bed looking at pictures of her I missed her. Then I would hear her scream and I knew I just had to be away from it for a while.

I begged, pleaded and prayed for that little mini me, just like I am for our second. And the weight of the guilt I feel when I admit that I "needed a break" from her is more than atlas feels holding the earth. I mean a perfect mom wouldn't need a break, she would be, first of all showered with a bra on, but filled with an awesome amount of calm and grace that I just don't have on a day to day.

I know some of her behavior was in response to mine and I just kept repeating to myself when I was upstairs, alone, "tomorrow is another day".

... I woke up with a new hope after a great nights sleep and she was just as cranky as before.

So what did we do, WE DANCED!

I figure if you can't beat um, dance with them instead.