when opportunity knocks

Last week the opportunity to go out of town on a mini vaycay with my Hubby came up and I couldn't pass it up.

So tomorrow we are packing up the car, leaving the dogs with my mom (tear) and driving 7.5 hours to North Carolina. We are going to the family mountain house for 5 days!

I am beyond excited!

This is what my view will be:



all pics via Google images



So, I will catch you on the flip side!

Later Lovelies!

Here we go

This is our first month of officially trying to conceive.

Scratch that, this is Mr.G's first month of saying we are actively trying, but we haven't been preventing since September of last year. Does that makes sense?

Mr. G would be all, "if it happens it happens."

Now he wants to make it happen, so here we are.

I don't really know where to start, or to say how long we have been trying. For me it was when we stopped preventing pregnancy (i.e. I stopped birth control and we started going au natural) So because this is my blog and there was a possibility of it we are going to say we have been trying since September.

We always said that we wanted to start trying after our first anniversary. Now I wasn't naive and knew the chances at conceiving on the first try were slim but I was so hopeful, like many women are.

Then month after month crept by and there was still no second line. So I decided I would start temping and charting with fertilityfriend.com

Ladies if you do this, it is addicting. You will seriously stalk your chart.

I over analyzed every twinge, every pain, every emotion because it HAD to mean something. This over obsession caused me to stress and become a sex Nazi, and when my thermometer broke mid cycle I thought I was going to die. I would like to tell you that I am over exaggerating here but I am totally not, I really did get almost depressed when I realized weeks worth of temping and charting were down the tubes.

That is when I decided to put a kibosh on temping because it was causing me to go bat shit crazy, so instead I would check my cm, watch for other signs of the big O and just relax.

I figured because we were "not preventing" (remember at this point husband was still to scared to call it trying) I decided I should go bet my lady bits in for a tune up. I found a OBGYN and made the appointment, it was in mid March. I went to the appointment and we did all the usual stuff as I was checking in and filling out the paperwork. When asked what birth control I was on (none) and what contraceptives I was using (nada) I got asked "how long have you been trying?" I said " we haven't been preventing since September." The doctor walked in about 25 min later and immediately started to grill me about my weight.

To highlight the conversation here is a breakdown:
Said my weight was a problem
I am probably infertile because of my weight
Wanted me to get in to my BMI (113-120lbs...lol I have NEVER been that weight in my life, even when I was at my healthiest) before I got pregnant
Said I was  high risk becuase:
I WOULD get hypertension
I WOULD get gestational diabetes
Started talking to me about infertility treatments

I think those were all the high points. This was all thrown at me before the initial exam....

I am going to say that I am not naive and I know that my weight is an issue, but this was my first encounter with size discrimination and I was floored. I left in tears because she put be in the group and didn't even listen to me and what I had to say. She slapped a label on me and put in a group that I don't necessarily belong in.

The fact of the matter is I have been tested for diabetes and cleared, my blood pressure is fine and I had had extensive blood work done within 6 months prior and was given a clean bill of health (my doctor said in a very doctor-y way that I was a pretty healthy fat person). I mean yes I still need to loose weight and be more active but that is a simple life style change to be made. Not loosing over 100lbs to look anorexic...

Anyway, as I left that day I felt defeated and like a failure as a woman, a failure because I wasn't pregnant yet.

I knew then and there that if I were to get pregnant she wouldn't be my doctor because I plan on (if all would go as planned) a natural childbirth and I dont' think she would respect that.

So here we are, in the middle of my cycle. Do I feel like this is my month? Of course, I feel like that every month. I am trying not to stress or dwell on anything but it is hard not to when you are trying to make a baby!

This time around I am still not temping (that maybe changing), but I am using opk (ovulation predictor kits).

I am hoping the combination of the opk and using FAM (fertility awareness method) will get me preggers.

Next week I will enter in to the dreaded 2 week wait phase and you will all probably want to take me out back and put me out of my misery.

fingers crossed!

compromising

I decided that I am going to talk about ttc on my blog because, as my friend said, this is a reflection of my life and I want to be able to look back on this blog in 5, 10 even 20 years from now and see where I was, how I was feeling and so on and so forth.

I know I may loose some of you, some that may not be in this station of life and that is ok, I will gain readership with others.

But I will say that I am not going to direct my blog solely on trying to conceive. It will drive me crazy.

So, instead one day a week I will dedicate a blog post to my efforts to get my 2 pinks lines and if I feel the need to talk more I will.

In the end this is my blog, and if I wanted to talk about poop I will talk about poop (ew)

so there you have it, a compromise.

should I or shouldn't I ?

Ok, so all of you know that husband and I are trying to make a baby G. Should I talk about us ttc or should I wait until more devlopments happen ? Will I loose you as a reader (be honest)?

Let me know.

All Aboard the baby train...

Scene:

I am sitting at the computer checking facebook and husband is playing Playstation.


Me: Wendy is pregnant, That is Dishes and wishes brothers wife.
Him: really?
Me: Yep, E is going to be an Aunt again.
Him: Everybody is pregnant but us...

SAY WHAT!?!?!?!?!
I about fell over.

I knew husband was starting to really become comfortable with a a baby, but I didn't know he had caught the fever..

click click click flash

   My name is Mrs.G and I am a fashion- illiterate...

I am not a complete lost cause, I mean I don't see Clinton and Stacy jumping out from behind some bushes to attack me with secret footage.

I always play it safe, I never think to far out of the box for fear of the results. I always justify it as I am not going to spend money on something that may or may not work. I also don't see the point of buying something in an ensemble that only works as the ensemble and with NOTHING else in your closet.

When in all actuality I would kill to have pulled together ensembles instead of mounds of different pieces that may or may not work.

I never put an outfit together, I just throw something on in the morning and rush out the door. I never look polished or finished and that is something that lately I so desperately want.

I guess you could say that I avoid fashion because the fashion for bigger girls is soooooo lack luster. I mean when are designers going to realize:
1. A size 10 is not plus size
2.Just because I am plus size doesn't mean I am 40 years old, I want cute classy pieces people!
3. I am Plus size and do not wish to accentuate that with a HUGE ass print
4.Just like the Skinny Minnys out there we are all not one size fits all, so PLEASE start carrying your plus size line in stores (I am looking at you Old Navy) so I can try things on.
5. Because I am plus size doesn't mean I am rich. I can't afford $70.00 for a pair of jeans and $30.00 for a cotton t-shirt... Ahem... Lane Bryant.

For me being plus sized and summer being right around the corner (maybe, I had to have my heat on last weekend and it is mid may!) means dread every morning when it comes time to getting dressed. When the name of the game for me is to accentuate my assets (boobalas) and hide or mask my trouble areas (everything else) the summer can cause a problem. I can't just throw on a tank top and shorts and be on my way, if I did that I would be on one of those "People of Wal-Mart" emails that get sent around offices for a good laugh (you know what I am talking about). So I am reduced to wearing jeans on a 100 degree day.

Blerg!!! Do you know how much your ass sweats in jeans on a mid summer day in July?!?!?! I will spare you the details.

This summer, although I am working on loosing some ellebees, I am still bigger than I have ever been before. This is a HUGE ego punch to the gut and left me sitting on the floor of my closet one evening, in a bra and underwear, hair disheveled, crying because none of my "summer" clothes fit. Ok, some did but only about a handful. Needless to say husband was a little confused when he walked in on me under a mound of clothes sobbing.

I know I am working on loosing weight so check goal number 1 goal number 2 was going to be focusing on what I DO feel comfortable in and starting from there.

1. Bermuda shorts
2. Short sleeves
3.Dresses
4. Gauzy or linen fabrics
5. Bright colors!
5. Wearing white (on of my summer faves)

Thank goodness this summer hippie chic is totally in because everything on my list is euuuurvery where!

With 40% off at my go to store I beefed up my summer wardrobe considerably and even bought a pair of shorts!

Everything arrives tomorrow and I am totally going to do my hair and make up, shave my legs, open a bottle of Skinny Girl Margarita and have a fashion show in my closet. I will post pics of the hits and maybe even some misses

I just hope it all gets here before the apocolypse....

It's a BOY!!!!

Not quite the baby I wanted but we will take him none the less.

Ladies this is Cooper



My dad decided that he wanted another dog, so he called my Aunt who said she had a breeder friend that had Golden Retrievers and my dad bought one. His name was Emmit (name breeder gave him) and he as really shy but sweet, this was the description from the breeder, and he was the last of his litter to find a home, he was already 8 months old.
My dad didn't mind the age seeing as he was still a puppy and still within a good age for training. My aunt loaded her car up and drove him the 11 hours here to Ohio. When she pulled up to my house to drop off a piece of furniture she brought out for me I asked where Cooper was, he was on the floor in the back of her van, to petrified to move. He had gotten in the van 11 hours ago and had not budged since. He hadn't eaten, gone to the bathroom he just laid there. When my Dad walked up to get him out he had to lift this 50 lb plus dog for fear of strangling him with this leash . He was more than shy he was absolutely terrified of everything and everyone. Once we got him in to the back yard he made a bee line behind the shed, my husband and my dad worked for about 20 minutes to get him out. Once we got him in the house he hid under the table and had to be lifted everywhere. When my dad drove away that night the rest of us looked at each other and we all agreed that it was just a matter of days before my dad was asking my aunt to take him back.

Reports from my dad's house were mixed to say the least. He wouldn't come out from behind the couch, but he was getting better, He was having accidents in the house, but he was responding really well to my step mom. They started to see more of the home he had come from, now I don't personally know the breeder so this is all speculation but when we do know is he was around dogs all the time and for the last 3 months of his life he was crated outside. What we are speculating was he was hit, when ever you move to quickly towards him or raise your hand, even to pet him he either runs away with his tail between his legs or he bows his head really low trying to get away, this made bonding really hard. Wither or not they were going to keep him changed from day to day, the final consensus was yes they were going to keep him seeing as he was getting better everyday. So my Aunt went home and we went on but then last Thursday I get a voice mail from my dad.

I called him back and he had a really serious question to ask my husband and myself ...

"Do you want this dog?"

I was confused, I thought things had been going well.

I then asked what happened, thinking I didn't want a dog that had destroyed one the antiques that inhabit my dads house.

He said nothing had happened he just wasn't "in love" with this dog and that the connection wasn't there and he wasn't sure it was going to be.

I talked to my husband and he has wanted a Golden Retriever for as long as we have been together, so we talked about it and I told him that my uncle, who was in town, had offered to take him back as well, so we could try him out. He agreed.

30 minutes later my dad pulled up Cooper and all the doggie gear they had, I opened the door to see this ball of yellow hair curled up in the front seat. We finally got him out to my backyard and when he saw my little Dot his tail actually began to wag. After being there for 10 minutes he and Dot were running around and his tail was wagging. My dad said "this is the happiest I have seen him in weeks."

He followed Dot inside and we talked about Cooper and how he was given to my dad with ear mites and tapeworm. We decided right then and there that he wasn't going back to the breeder because obviously they weren't taking care of him and we would find a rescue or a new home for him. But Girls he is thriving at our house. I think all he needed was some kanine companionship and he right as rain.

We are having some issues with him eating from a bowl, we think the breeders may have just put the food on the floor of the kennel because he has no problem eating off the floor. He is under weight so our goal right now is to get him used to us, used to the house and chub him up.

He is sooooo freaking sweet, with his big brown eyes. He is starting to copy Dot and wants so badly to be up on the couch and on the bed. He has a blue comforter that he sleeps and lays on most of the day but he doesn't like to be apart from her. It is so funny to see him "try" to jump on something. If he only knew how big he really was, it would all be over. My favorite thing he does is at night he will sit up and lay his head on the bed next to mine as if he just wants to make sure I am there and I am ok. I will give him a little pat and he will lay back down.

Dot likes him about 85% of the time. She will run and play with him but when he is getting pet she looks at us like "Ok, I am ready for him to go home now." And I don't think she likes having a shadow but she will get used to it.

Scene from my life.

It is Thursday morning at roughly 8:04am.

I walking out the door flustered because 1. I can't find a plastic bag to put my breakfast and lunch in and 2. I have to leave in 2 minutes or run the risk of being late.

Arms full I rush out the door, grab a bag throw my food in and buckle myself in pleased that I am leaving on time.

I quickly realize that something is a miss, there was something important that I forgot.

Oh yeah, MY EFFING KEYS!!!!
I locked myself out of my house.

I called work and told them I would be late.

I called husband and no answer.

I called again.... no answer.

I rinsed and repeated only a couple more times to a flustered husband answering his phone.

in the sweetest voice I could I told him that I was sitting in my car, which is parked in the garage because I have locked my keys in the house.

He showed up about 15 minutes later, and in that 15 minutes I began to reflect.

Reflect on the fact that just 2 weeks ago husband had to be called away from work because SOMEONE fell down the stairs... and now this.

His co-workers must think 1. he married me out of charity because I am clearly of a special nature or 2. I am just THAT awesome in bed that he can overlook my forgetfulness and ditsy character traits, ala Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson.

Husbands boss told me that if I pull him from work again I owe him a sandwich.... hand delivered.

I told husband to tell people I am book smart or something. I know in my family common sense and book smarts don't go hand and hand so lets play that up.

The something big that almost was.

This past week we hell for me.

My something big was going to be talking about going back to school and how after a lot of discussing with husband, researching the field and its demand, talking to people in the field that it was decided that I would be going back.

But something else happened.

I was 7 days late.

So as I am gearing up to tell you about school, I thought that I was going to be telling you something much different.

I didn't think anything of it when I was a day late or even 2 days for that matter because with stress or something that has happened before. But when days 3 and 4 came along I started to get hopeful. I didn't want to dwell on it or stress to much, yeah right. I have made it no secret that I want to be pregnant like yesterday but I for the sake of this being like every other month I knew dwelling about it would make it worse.

Day after day there was still no sign of it, the it being that second line I so desperately want to see.

Then Sunday came, I was really hoping to give my mother the best Mother's day gift by telling her she was going to be a Grandma again. But instead I was in a tremendous amount of pain, not of a broken heart that I started but actual physical pain.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling a tad crampy nothing to write home about. So as instructed by my husband I was to take a pregnancy test that morning, so when two loud ass birds were fighting out back at 6 in the morning I was awake and decided to take the dreaded pregnancy test. I did and immediately it said negative so I threw it away and tried to go back to bed. Needless to say I couldn't sleep. I grabbed my pillow and went to go lay downstairs but as I laid in the in quite of morning it started. What were light cramps that only lasted a few minutes turned to it wave after wave of debilitating cramps. I made my way to the downstairs bathroom where I thought I was going to be sick it hurt so much. All I could do is lay down and will them away. I knew I had started even with out proof and I couldn't move. I was paralyzed by the amount of pain I was in. I cried as I held myself not only for the amount of pain I was in, but also for the fake out my body had given me.

If you would have asked me on Wednesday if I was pregnant, I would have said yes. I thought for sure the fact that I was late could only be because I was pregnant, I thought for sure that my nipple tenderness only confirmed that further, I thought my new found love for milk was my first craving and my new found loathing of soda and turkey was my first aversion, I thought the sporadic cramping I was having meant that there was a baby in there, I thought that me conking out on the couch by 9pm every night was my body telling me it was tired from making a baby all day.

Yes, I cried because I wasn't pregnant. I cried because I was going threw this physical pain again and because I feel like a failure as a woman because I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

I feel foolish sometimes for getting so emotional about it. I mean, we haven't even hit the tip of the ttc iceberg and I am already feeling overwhelmed. When I pictured how I would "get pregnant" It would be after a night of gallivanting with my husband and I would magically wind up being pregnant and the earth would rejoice.

 When that didn't happen I saw it as maybe I would be like my sister in law and go off my birth control and then 2 months later be pregnant. Yeah, that would be how it would be, then the earth would rejoice.

Over the weekend my Besties husband asked my husband if we were trying and husband responded "well we aren't preventing," to his response "Yeah, you're trying."

We are almost to our year mark of trying. I know couples have been trying for years, I know couples have tried for years only to find out they can't. This is why I feel awk talking about this to people. I don't know some of your stories, I don't know your struggles and I don't want to come off as some whiny lady that doesn't know what true hardship is.

My relationship with God is so much stronger than it was even last year. I know I may not make it to church every Sunday but I follow the sermons, I read the word, I pray for an open heart and for me to just let go and let him take over.

What I will say, which is still awk for me to say , but on Sunday as I laid on my cold bathroom floor, sure my this pain was my uterus detaching from my body, I was mad at God. I was mad that again my womb was empty, that I was in this much pain.

I had so many questions that I wanted answered.

Why can bigger girls than me get pregnant and I can't?

Why can heroine addicts and coke heads get pregnant and I can't?

Why do you allow people who are going to harm their children physically, mentally, emotionally have then and I can't?

What did I do to not deserve your miracle?

I gave myself a moment. That was it a moment to be angry and ask my questions.

I made sure to be on the couch when my Husband came down because I didn't want him to worry. He didn't ask any questions but when I told him I had started he was outwardly upset. He didn't cry, he didn't get angry he just got really quiet.

We talked about it and we are both so ready to start a family. He told me how every day that I was late he was getting more and more excited about having a baby. How seeing me with Paisley just made me feel "ready".

So there you have it ladies. My week from hell.

I hope you all had a better week than this and a wonderful Mother's Day. Although I couldn't give my mom the news I wanted, we still had an awesome day.

Here's hoping this is my month!

be on the look out

Something big is about to happen.


More later.