1/2 a thought

Surgery update.

I had my medical evaluation and had gained 5lbs since March...not awesome

The lady processing my information couldn't have been a pound under 300 if I had to guess.

The whole situation made my inner monologue take off.

If she works here why hasn't see had a surgery? I feel silly for being here having her work up my information.

I met the doctor, a nutritionist, and the insurance rep.

Everything went ok, I found out we are going to have to contribute more than we thought, which isn't stellar but it was expected.

I am iron, vitamin D and B12 deficient.

That explains the lethargy and bouts with sickness.

I made the next round of appointments but there was this pestering doubt that kept floating in front of me like a gnat. I would swat it away but it kept coming back.

I am not going to say I wouldn't have the surgery and that I am having second thoughts, cause if they called me tomorrow saying some anonymous donor covered the bill and I can have it tomorrow I would.

So I say I am having half of a thought.

I don't know what it is, actually, I kind of do.

They surgery I originally went in for started to look like a mistake and from what I had gathered from forums and talking with someone that had had the surgery, the lap band is more like a diet aid. It didn't give them the results they wanted and they fell back in to the same bad eating habits and put weight back on. Some even went back under the knife for a more evasive surgery.

So I was left with chance.

Should I chance it and get the lap band or do I want to nip the potential problem in the bud and go head and get the sleeve?

The sleeve for those of you not up on the gastric surgery lingo is where they remove most of your stomach and leave you with a small section. Your stomach will eventually stretch and get bigger, but not to the football size it is now.

I couldn't believe that I was considering removing more than half of a body organ. I mean isn't that usually a bad thing?

My main question with the doctor was could I have a normal and healthy pregnancy with either surgery. They said for a post surgery patient yes, for a normal person no, it wouldn't be considered normal. Normal for post surgery because I would already be on supplements so they would just add more on, not normal for a non surgery person because I would be taking fist fulls of pills to make sure me and baby were as healthy as could be.

Make sense?

I am a worry wart in the worst way (say that three times fast), I started having these far fetched scenarios where I would have the surgery, pic up some germ or virus like the plauge or a flesh eating virus and then my body then becomes riddled with infection and I almost die. But I don't because in my scenarios I always get saved in the nick of time, but the doctor tells me my baby maker was so severely damaged that I can never have kids....

or the more realistic, what if I have the surgery and have difficult pregnancies, ones riddled with blood work, bed rest and pills.

I mean that could happen anyway but I would know that is just how my pregnancy is going and not because I had this surgery.

Then I start to think, Mrs.G you can do this, you are strong enough to take on this challenge, you see people like you do it everyday.

Then the little asshole in my head says I can't.

This is going to seem out of left field but stay with me.

I have been a nail biter for years, a serious one in fact.

But one day I painted my nubbin nails, and usually my nails get a little longer because who would want to gnaw on nails and get polish in their mouths too? Not me.

So I just kept them painted and all of a sudden my nails were growing, and soon they were just peaking out over the tops of my finger and now they are actual nails.

I just stopped biting them.

I haven't since, granted the temptation is their, but if it gets too strong I paint  my nails and the temptation is gone.

I curbed my temptation by taking my mind off it and doing something productive for me not to bite my nails. Sounds like a mentality that could help me with my eating habits. When I am tempted to eat outside of a meal/snack time I need to do something productive.

If I can break a vice of mine that has plagued me for years who is to say I can't do this too?

I think I might give healthy eating and living one more strong go.

If it doesn't work, that I could still continue with the surgery, but knowing that I tried, this one last time would make me feel a lot better.

I am not sure if I am going to blog about it, updates here and there but not actual weekly updates or a dedicated blog series.

Just wanted to let you know where I am with everything.

Happy Tuesday!!