shameful

That is what is going on right now.

On my Pandora.

I have a serious problem after my birthday. After my birthday I am just done and I am ready for it to be Christmas or at least fall.

That is why I allow myself one day in July to have a Christmas preview, well this year I was on maternity leave and didn't do it so today is that day.

Instead of Christmas in July I am having Christmas in August.

I should probably be more ashamed than I am.

Meh.

Only 138 more days people. 

A blog just for me.

I used to get pretty regular traffic on this here blog, notice the past tense. I don't anymore, I realized that when I got pregnant and started blogging just about that state of being, my readership went down and then creepers started to be the only hits my posts would get.

I am not going to say that it didn't bother me, it did. We, as a culture love the validity we get from friends, family but even more so from strangers, it can come in many forms, repins, likes, shares. Whatever. I had dreams of this blog blowing up and becoming popular and with that becoming BFF's with Ree and she would invite me out to her ranch where Charlie and Walter would show my beloved basset a good time slow motion running through the plains of Oklahoma.

I don't know why my dream always involved being friends with Ree but they do.

The point is that isn't happening and won't.

When I checked my last couple posts and saw that not a single person viewed it, I can admit that I thought about closing up shop.

Me: But I like blogging.
Inner monologue: Then keep blogging
Me: What's the point? no one reads this
Inner monologue: Who cares?
Me: you mean I can keep blogging even though no one reads this?

Ok, so I wasn't actually sitting there talking to myself but these were my thoughts more or less.

So no more 30 things, themed posts, crafting posts, recipes posts... unless I am feeling it.

I don't want this to be a niche blog because my life isn't a niche life.

it is mostly just random crap like this.

So here is to putting authenticity out in to the inter-webs.

You're welcome universe.

Day one

Wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I will be forever grateful to the people I work with for making my day not has hard as it could have been.

I even got cake, one of the guys in the shop made it for me. I mean how awesome is that?

Home made icing and all. 

I did hit my wall around 3, usually that was when I needed a nap but instead I just wanted to be home getting baby snuggles. 

One thing that is hard is no matter how much I want to see her, and kiss her and hug her, she may not be that way towards me. Last night was the perfect example, I made it home in record time, she was asleep so I gently lifted her up and hugged her and she started crying. She did this most of the night until it was time for bed. Her happiest time is right when she gets up in the morning and because she doesn't really nap, her demeanor just deteriorates from there. So yay to coming home to a tired, crying baby. 

Maternity Leave

Well, the time has come.

My maternity leave is over, two weeks early due to my short term disability not being approved due to a "pre-exsisting medical condition", I just loved that they called my pregnancy and my child a "pre-exsisting medical condition". Too say I was mad when they gave me their rundown would be an understatement and I may or may have not used fuck a few times in the conversation that followed. I am not proud of that moment but I blame sleep deprivation and coming down from my hormones.

As my maternity leave comes to a close and I am left with mixed emotions. The thought of leaving my little girl for 8 hours a day is heart breaking and, dare I say (for fear of sounding like a terrible mother), a relief.

The "hard" that other moms talk about are different for each mom, or it can be a combination. For some it is the lack of freedom, some it is the helplessness and some it is the loneliness.

Mine is mostly the helplessness I feel when I have done everything the books say, everything I know to do and she is still screaming bloody murder. I start to question my instincts as a mother which I will admit aren't as strong as I thought they would be. I am not saying that I am not a total mother bear, because I am. I just thought there was going to be one transcendent moment where I knew what cry meant what, and all of a sudden this ancient knowledge would wash over me.... yep still waiting for that. Instead I felt like a dog that was left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Confused, scared and sad, the car was my old life, warm and comfortable and motherhood is this new strange place.

The relief that I fear I will feel is that I am happy to have the break that husband got, 8 hours of busy work in an environment where I am somewhat in control, and no one is barfing on me. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and I know in my case it will but shouldn't a good mother want to stay all day and stare at her baby? I mean I thought I wanted too and given the chance I think I still would because when its good, it is SO good. We had very few good days but when we did I felt like I could conquer the world. Maybe it is because those first 8 weeks are the hardest I feel this way and I have this fear rising in me that I don't know what hard is because I have been home for 8 weeks. Sure lets throw work on top of that and be a good mother all the while trying to stay sane.

Operation awesome, kick ass, working mom is now in effect.

DAY ONE: FIRST DAY BACK.

Two month letter

Sarah,
Baby girl, my little squeaks, my fuss-a-munch you have changed so much in 4 weeks. The big thing is that you are sleeping now, for the most part. We have a bed time routine and you sleep pretty much from 8-2:30 then until around 7:30 in the morning. When you do wake up it is only long enough to get your diaper changed and eat then you zonk right out again. Naps on the other hand are another story. You are a crappy nap taker, there I said it. You would rather be miserable and scream because you only "cat napped" for 30 min than  actually take a full fledged nap.

Eating has been a challenge because we are having trouble finding a formula that doesn't upset your stomach. I am still not convinced that Soy formula is the answer but we don't want to switch you again. Your fussiness because of gas has decreased but then your pooping (yep, I am one of those moms) has become an issue for you. I consulted your doctor and she said prune juice and boy did that clean out your plumbing.

during the fart

After the fart

Your Oma is staying with you/us for two weeks, we are happy to prolong your time at home before you start day care.

You have started to laugh, smile, coo and generally like to play more, your play mat is the bee knees and the ceiling fan is your best friend. You love what I call lip smackers which is just a big ole wet kiss.

You have started to try to roll over and I suspect before your Oma leaves you will be owning this developmental milestone.

I can't wait to see how much you change by my next letter.

Love you.
Mommy