An open letter to all of humanity.

Hello out there,

I usually don't get political on my blog for many reasons, one mainly being that I hardly ever blog, so why bring my readers (I use this term loosely) down by getting up on my soap box. At this point it would all be white noise anyway because EVERYONE is offended by something, whether it be outwardly or in thought.

I usually bite my lip because I was brought up under the adage "who are you to judge?" This came in to my life early on, when I questioned the how and why of the world around me. My mom would explain and then say "but who are we to judge."

This was actually a wonderful way to approach most topics, it let me take in my mothers information and then form my own opinion. And now I am going to contradict myself and state my opinion and judge away, and you can judge me since I am judging.

Here we go, stepping up to the soap box...

If I see one more person up in arms about a damn red cup, I may scream.

I love Starbucks and I am a Christian.

I understand the sacredness of this time of year and that there is a whole movement to put the Christ back in Christmas and for good reason. The birth of Jesus Christ, the reason Christians are celebrating after all but this has taken a backseat to a make believe fat guy that was thrown in to the mainstream so parents had a weapon in their arsenal to get their children to behave.

But we aren't the only religion celebrating in the month of December. In 4 weeks Ramadan, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa and Yule are all celebrated and these are also seen as the most sacred of times in their religions.

When I walk in to a Starbucks and make my order (a grande, soy, cinnamon ducle latte), I am not looking to be closer to God. I am looking for tasty, hot coffee, no more no less.

Starbucks is a corporation and I actually commend them for not slapping a generic snowflake or winter scene on their cup because they feel that is what they are limited too. Instead they are not choosing to honor one religion over another, but chose a color that can be seen as powerful in any religions scripture.

But what this boils down too, is it is a cup. It's purpose is to hold a liquid, nothing more.

I have become something that my government teacher predicted back in 2004. I am a POOP head, I am person offended by offended people.

What I really wish people would do is instead of being so quick to jump to offense (so quickly that I am afraid human kind is forgetting what the word actually means) take a chance and leap to inquisitive. If you don't understand something it doesn't mean that it is offensive, it is an opportunity for you to look at something with a fresh perspective and heaven forbid maybe learn something about another culture.

Line in the sand

Present | Future

This is where I am right now, toes lined up and still I can't push myself to cross.

I can actually say that right now, I am happy where I am. This has never happened before, I am one that lived in "what ifs" and "what could have been".

I saw a post of Facebook that said "when you find yourself not looking to the past, you are doing something right." Ok in all honesty I am totally paraphrasing, it was early and I can't find it again but I know it was some artsy inspirational quote with a sunset background. I mean it did the job obviously, I sipping my coffee and I thought about it.

But now a new issue is at the forefront. The present | The future

I am living more presently than I have in a long time, maybe ever. I have made peace with my past and that in and of itself is HUGE for me, most people.

But now the future, where I used to dream and just see it as a place of possibility I am now hiding from.

The big THING that I can't seem to reconcile.... expanding our family.

I know! It is so crazy considering how many kids I want and how long we waited for Sarah. I can say that I am not surprised that we don't have a litter by now. Back to the point, Presently, I am so perfectly content with home life, the only thing I wish for everyday is more time, but I think every working parent has this same wish.

Sarah is absolutely blossoming, and turning in to a full blown, attitude filled toddler. To see her personality forming is amazing. I am going to stop here because I could write all day about how amazing my daughter is.

When I think about adding to our brood, I am not quite filled with excitement like I was when we were trying with Sarah. It is more anxiety, because I know I want more kids but where are the butterflies? The warm fuzzy feeling? We are still trying, and I would be beyond elated if it were to happen but the thought of going through everything pregnancy brings on top of working and still being a present mom for Sarah and present partner for Mr.G makes me fidget.

Can I really do it all?

I don't want to just go through the motions with my children/husband. I want to BE in the moment and remember this time. I want to make sure that when I go to bed at night I can say that I was the best mom/wife I could be that day.

I know these are all common fears and thoughts that most parents have. I just thought that having another baby would be a no brainier, no second thoughts. And in some moments I am so consumed with my want to hold a baby again that I think I am crazy for not being more proactive to make this happen. Husband wants to try and we have had the talk about timing and like I said we would be elated if it happened, I am just terrified it will throw this new found serenity I have in to a free fall.

Do I put my present at risk for the future I have always envisioned for myself?

Do I let go of the future I always planned for?

I don't have the answer yet, so I guess for now I am left toeing this line.

When the storm ends and the skies begin to clear.

I am alive.

I have weathered this storm and the skies are clearing.

A LOT has happened since the last time I posted so I am going to make this long story short as best as I can.

After many nights of crying, being homesick and second guessing myself I finally began to see where I was and the good that was all around me.

Sarah is blossoming, she adores being outside getting dirty in the back yard or playing in sand at the beach. Her speech is still an issue but slowly her words are coming around. I think that was a major turning point for me, to see my daughter just run around, be free and develop such loving relationships with the G family.

We SOLD our house in record time, 2 weeks!

We decided to rent a house instead of buy, not knowing enough about the different area's in and around SC made us weary of jumping in to a new home. We signed a lease and get the keys this Friday!!

Husband got a transfer down here! He Starts the 3rd!

I didn't really grasp the blessing that is my in-laws. I knew they were nice, I knew they loved me as their sons wife but that they didn't really know me.  I was terrified to move in with them, although I have been Mrs.G for almost 6 years, they were still strangers. We were given the amazing gift of time and now, I can say that they know me, and that they love me for me.

I can say that the Saturday's spent on the beach made this easier, it really did. I would have moments when I was standing on the beach, or crossing the ocean on the bridge that I would smile and say " I live here."

I have started singing in a choir again and have found a home church. Husband and I get to have a meeting with with Pastor as soon as we are settled. It feels good to be apart of such a tremendous community.

I am falling in love with my new city, Head over heels really. My bones still ache for Ohio because that will always be my comfort zone, my hometown. I still can't believe that I moved, I dreamed of it when I was young, granted my dreams where much grander, NYC with my name in lights on Broadway. I never thought in a million years I would end up in the land of pines, the Low Country.  I think my new dream of beaches and sweet tea will suit me just fine.

Realization

Today I had a moment when I knew it wasn't just being down and missing everyone, a moment when I realized that this was a terrible mistake.

We had a plan.

We were going to wait to move to SC once we were done with our credit counsiling (October 2016), but instead jumped the gun and now we are between a rock and a hard place.

Our credit sucks and we won't be able to really rectify it until we are done with our credit counsiling so that means no house.

While on the phone with the lenders getting this news about how "Negative" our credit report was I realized how done I am with this situation.

I am DONE scraficing

This was the nail in the coffin for me, I swear to baby Jesus if my husband thinks that my mother, himself, my daughter, our 2 dogs and myself are going to cram in to an apartment he can go take a walk.

I have a perfectly nice house, in OHIO that accomdates us nicely.

Almost there.

I only have a minute because I should be packing....

I have started a post probably three times now but they turn out so debbie downer that I decide not to post them.

I am not happy to be moving

I am not looking forward to starting a new job

I am not excited to be a single parent for goodness knows how long

but I breathe and keep going.

A lot of lasts are happening, which I hate thinking of them as such, like I am a prisoner on death row.

But it is goodbye or See you later.

I am happy to report that packing, although at a stand still is about 90% done. I feel like I have wasted so much time these past 10 days but in all honesty I can't pack up anymore of Sarah's toys or room because we are still living here. So much has to happen the last three days that I am worried I won't be able to enjoy my last days as an Ohioan. My mom took the week off to help and hopefully with her as a helper and a distraction I get everything done in ample time to say goodbye to my home.

Please send me motivation/a kick to the butt to get the rest of this packing done.

Next time I post it will be from the Low Country!

Looking forward

In the interest in trying to stay positive and not dwell in the heart wrenching sadness that almost flattens me like a truck when I think about leaving my home. I have started a list of things I am looking forward to about this move.

Here is my list thus far:

1. Warmer weather:

Living my entire life in Ohio I have seen some brutal winters, gloomy days lasting months, winds that chill you to the bone and  hurt your face and saying that weekly prayer that this snow storm will shift north or south.

They are already in a thaw in SC, temps are reaching a lovely 60 degrees. My flips flops are calling me and my toes are begging to me painted a bright and fun color.

2. Being surrounded by people with similar weight loss/health goals:

I love my husband, and one thing that still blows me away is that he loves me (is attracted to me) no matter what I look like. He loved me when I was 130 pounds and that love and tenderness didn't falter when my weight sky rocketed to 250. As much as I adore my husband's love for my body (especially when I can't) it can cause a state of "oh what the hell" with my eating. Not to mention husband isn't the greatest partner in a healthy life style. The man would eat a 5 lb bag of gummy bears in one sitting if I didn't stop him.

My MIL and SIL are both trying to get in better shape and drop some weight. It will be nice to have support system that is trying to reach this goal with me instead of eating a twinkie and cheering me on from the side lines.

3. Going to Church:

My husband's family is very active in their church community and I can't wait to join them. I have said before that I feel like this is one aspect in my life that is missing, that I haven't cultivated. I want Sarah to know God in away that I never did, to be strong in her faith and this is the first step.

And I get to sing in a choir again. EXCITED!

4. Close proximity to the beach:

this should be higher on the list, I can't even tell you how excited I am that I will be 10 mins from the beach and plan on being there every weekend. It is a luxury lost on some, but for a Yankee like me that had to travel 13 hours to get to an ocean, that I want to soak up every minute I can.

My list of things I will miss is three times as long,if not longer, but I take note if I find myself getting excited about something. I need to stay positive for my family, no matter how much my heart hurts and hope the sound of the beach waves will ease it.

south carolinian

It's official.

As of March 23rd, 2015 I will be a resident of South Carolina.

I am still in shock that this is happening so quickly but at the same time I keep thinking to myself that it maybe better that I am ripping the band-aid.

There is so much to do and so little time to do it in, I am making lists out the wazoo and still crying every once in a while.

It hits me in waves.

I think about the warm weather, the beach, having weekends/holidays off and obtaining this goal that I set for myself and I am no cloud nine.

then it hits me that in a few weeks I will probably never step foot in my first home again, the home that we brought Sarah home too, where she learned to crawl and learned to walk. That I won't be staying at home with her anymore, that I can honestly say that I have no idea when we will be a family of three under one roof again, that she may not "remember" Matthew when she does see him.

Before my interview I found myself alone, at my dad's house, sitting in the quiet and profoundly drawn to scripture. I was surprised myself because I am not that person.

I prayed for a calm heart and a steady voice, to find the right words and for calm of my nerves

I found this:

 I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

I wrote it on a piece of paper so I could read it.

I repeated to myself as the all came in.

Never have I found truer words to be spoken.

I have this hanging in my bathroom so I can read it every morning, noon and it is the last thing I see before I go to sleep.

This is happening for a reason, and it may not be clear yet, but I know it is in his plan for me.

Everybody does it.

A lot is happening, could be happening.

Husband is from the south, hence the blog title, and when we got married I always promised we would move. He made the move north for me so I would reciprocate the favor, the only hitch was I wanted to stay until I had our first baby. He agreed, I mean it would have been my first pregnancy and I wanted to be around my family and friends.

That time has come and gone and our "baby" (I use "" because she is a full blown toddler now), is almost 2 and we are talking about number 2 (did you think poo? I almost rewrote that line because I started to chuckle at number 2.... I am almost 30) and I would be lying if the allure of the warmer weather and beach proximity wasn't tempting.

I just knew it would happen this way and just prayed that it wouldn't, that he would prove me wrong this time.

I want to preface this with I love my husband, so much it hurts.

With that being said.

I know he moved here for me and I have been nothing but supportive about moving for him.

I have given up school twice because WE needed me to work full time
I have given up working in a department where myself and my work was appreciated and we all got along and really enjoyed each other.
and now I am putting myself up for a job that would see me giving up staying home with Sarah and it hurts so much I can't even type this without tearing up.

I know everything happens for a reason, without quitting school and getting the job at OSU, I may have never of gotten pregnant, if I didn't already work at OSU I may have never gotten the job that allowed me to stay at home with Sarah.

But giving up staying at home with her is almost too much.

I am up for a job at a hospital in SC. I would move down there, with Sarah, and live with my in laws.

I was just hoping that for once, our major life changing event didn't depend solely on me.

He says if I am this miserable about the thought of leaving then I shouldn't take the job, but how can I not? He would never forgive me, nor would his family for passing on this opportunity.

I am between a rock and hard place that is covered with rusty nails.

I keep telling myself, most mothers work, you can do this.

But everything in my body is aching and my heart is fighting me, screaming at me to stay with my baby.

Everybody does it.

Everybody does it.

You can do this.

Breathe.

getting back on track

You saw in my happening post that I lost just about 50lbs from the birth of Sarah (summer 2013) to last summer.

Y'all I wore shorts in public.

I haven't done that since I was a senior in high school, 10 very long years ago.

Anyway, I knew I had taken a huge chunk out of my weight loss goal, but still had a ways to go.

I did it through weight watchers but the cost of monthly meetings was becoming a burden, so I had to stop my monthly membership after about 5 months.

I was golden until the holidays hit, actually until Christmas.

I had put on about 5 (or so) lbs before Christmas but I thought I could handle that number and as soon as the holidays were over I would knock it out like before.

Well on Christmas I got in to a hand to mandolin fight and I totally lost. I cut the tip and most of my nail off of my middle finger on my right hand.

It wasn't terrible, considering where I work I see people loose whole hands, arms, legs, you name it. It was just very, very painful.

Anyway, I got really depressed afterward. I couldn't do anything with my hands with out a white hot pain shooting through my hand. Let me tell you something, do you know how much you hit your hands during the day? Or how drawn to a bandaged finger a toddler can be? Or how hard it is to change a diaper with a bum finger?

I know it sounds silly to get down and out about a finger that was going to heal and be fine but I did. And how did I wallow in my depression, with cookies, and fudge and ice cream.

Seriously, I am surprised I made it out of 2014 not being a diabetic.

Anyway, I have now gained, what I feel like is 15 lbs, I don't weigh myself unless it is an utter last resort. All I know is the jeans that I was running through fields in July because they fit, I can't even button any more.

So I sat down and devised a plan.

I really need to get my body and mind in check. I don't want to be on a diet forever, and I don't want to pay for weekly weigh ins forever too.

I want to make healthier choices and see my daughter make those same choices.

Guys, she actually brought me a bag of potato chips a couple weeks ago and I about died.

I know you guys have seen numerous posts just like this, but this is bigger than me, it's so my daughter grows up with a positive mentality towards healthy choices instead of a love affiar with twinkes. Seriously, my mom's motto is "I never met a twinkie that told me I was a bad person."

And we wonder why I have problems with food.

Guilt

Can we take a moment to talk about guilt.

More specifically, mom guilt.

Not to be confused with the guilt your mother made you feel for not cleaning your room or something, that is an art form that will be learned in time. No I am talking about the all consuming guilt that you are a terrible mother.

I know I can't be the only one out there that feels this way.

This week was super challenging at home with Sarah. Her sleep has been off, she is getting really frustrated with her lack of communication and I am pretty sure she is getting a mad case of cabin fever. By mid week she was a screaming, crying mess and I was at my wits end with her.

It hit me like a ton of bricks on Thursday, I had had a night of terrible sleep and had been up since 2 am. Little miss woke up an hour and a half earlier than usual which I knew would throw off her whole day and it did.

My patience is something to be desired and is something that I work on daily because, lets face it, people with no patience are usually assholes and I know I get this way, I hate to admit it, with Sarah. I feel terrible and I try to correct myself when I feel like I am getting overwhelmed but Thursday I had nothing.

She would take my hand and walk me in to the kitchen, and just scream. I gave her juice, she threw it. I made her breakfast, and she smeared it all over the table and fed a great amount to the dogs. I yelled, I refused my hand to her. I am trying my damnedest to point and say what things are hoping she will pick it up and finally say "juice", "snack","bowl", "cereal"... anything. But instead she just screams.

Sarah is 19 months old and has yet to say an actual word, she says Bah Bah for bye bye, and bab for baby, Si for yes (no idea where she picked that up) and Di for done.

She hasn't just looked at a ball and said "ball" and for that I feel like I have failed her in some way. I tried, early on to incorporate reading time in to our daily schedule but she would have none of it. She would rather be running around climbing on something.

That day, the day of her screaming, and my patience wearing thin, I can honestly say that once my husband got home I went upstairs and only came back down to make dinner. I needed a break from her and the rest of my family. I mean I actually missed her, sitting up in bed looking at pictures of her I missed her. Then I would hear her scream and I knew I just had to be away from it for a while.

I begged, pleaded and prayed for that little mini me, just like I am for our second. And the weight of the guilt I feel when I admit that I "needed a break" from her is more than atlas feels holding the earth. I mean a perfect mom wouldn't need a break, she would be, first of all showered with a bra on, but filled with an awesome amount of calm and grace that I just don't have on a day to day.

I know some of her behavior was in response to mine and I just kept repeating to myself when I was upstairs, alone, "tomorrow is another day".

... I woke up with a new hope after a great nights sleep and she was just as cranky as before.

So what did we do, WE DANCED!

I figure if you can't beat um, dance with them instead.

happening

I don't even know where to start.

Well, I guess for starters I could say that I actually had to look up when I wrote last because it has been so long.

I thought I would do an update of sorts before I delve completely in to blogging again because I want to delve in to blogging again.

Here it goes, everything since 7/19/2014:

-I have a full blown toddler on my hands guys, a  climbing, babbling, running, dancing, eating everything, in to everything toddler. I don't know how it happened, it seems like yesterday that she was this squishy, stationary, completely and utterly dependent on me baby. And how she only really wants me around to get her snacks and juice.

- Husband and I are STILL trying, have been since last January. I terrifies me to think of becoming a family of 4 but the thought of pregnancy, labor, delivery and adding to our family is electricity running through me, I honestly can't wait to go through it again.

- Husband got a new job then went back to his old one, it wasn't easy for him to back track but the new job wasn't working out and the old job offered him even more money so he decided to go for it.

-I lost almost 50 lbs! I have gained about 15 back but lawd I am going to buckle down and get those off plus some. My goal is to be a size 16 for my birthday!

-Got a total mom hair cut, its short, highlighted and sassy. Husband hates it but I love it and am going to keep it around for a while.

-I got even more super nerdy glasses, the bigger the better right?


that is about it. I guess that is why I stopped blogging in the first place, my life is in a suspended state. There is no wedding to plan, baby growing (yet), no house to decorate, so I thought I had nothing to really talk about anymore. But I need something for me, over these past few months I have realized that I have let myself become that mom, the one that goes to the store without a bra (not really, my boobs would be outta control), sweat pants on and unbathed for days. I have lost ME which, I hear is very easy to do when you are a new mom.

So here is to a new year and a new lease on this old blog!

2 week wait

For anyone trying to conceive and hasn't had any luck, this two week waiting period is the absolute worst. 

Are you or Aren't you? 

I honestly try to never get my hopes up, but I find myself day dreaming about the morning I will take my test and it being positive. 

Hasn't happened in a year and I can say that it is beginning to weigh on me. 

My biggest fear with trying to conceive is that because we never got tested before, that there is something wrong with one or both parties and Sarah is our miracle baby and we didn't even know it. My doc keeps saying "we know you can get pregnant, you have before" I mean do we really know that? Husband and I aren't in the best shape but we don't have any glaring health issues. I know with women the slightest thing can throw your fertility through a loop but I had a regular cycle and was ovulating. 

At my annual check up last year my doc asked me if I wanted to re-up my birth control and I declined. I told her that because it took us so long with Sarah we wanted to start sooner rather than later. She told me if I hadn't conceived by my next appointment then she wants to start testing because "we know you are get pregnant, you have before". 

So here we are 6 months left until we talk testing.

I am currently in my 2 week wait and I am trying so hard not to read in to anything, compare notes from when I did get pregnant, but I want something, so indicator that our bodies got it right this time. 

Here's hoping for an October baby!