a lot on the old noggin

This happens every year.  My mind starts to race and dwell on everything. Then I become over whelmed with the feeling that I am not doing anything right and I am competely lost and loose my cool for a couple of weeks and just wander through the days looking for meaning.
I have a need for direction, to feel like I am actually doing something with my self.

I want to be on the right track I want to know that where I am is where I am meant to be.

Are you listenin' God?!

 I fear writing about my job because I am so very greatful to have one and feel bad if I complain about it.

 I will say is this, the end of August will mark my 5th year here, I have learned a lot about an industry that before I entered, never gave 2 thoughts about.

I just feel that my time here isn't being used for what I should be doing.

I feel like I am on the brink of discovering something about myself, and as I stare in to this unknown, there is a tiny voice inside me that is encouraging me to take that terrifying first step.

I am of course talking about school, but the bigger question is "what do I want to do when I grow up?"

In my early days of this blog, I made it no secret of my want to finish school and earn my degree. But when money didn't work out, transfers weren't made, programs shut down I took it as I wasn't meant to go to school blah blah blah. Then I decided to drop school althogether and become obsessed with having a baby and you can see that that hasn't happened yet.

I am starting to see maybe there is a reason for this. More than what is on the surface.

Point Blank, no questions asked I want to be a mother, I want a family but I think I was focusing on it for the wrong reasons. And although if I were to get pregnant husband, myself and the family would be over the moon excited but when the happy dust would settle we would be in dire straits finacially.

I get real down on myself about trying so many different things (theater school, culinary school, community college) but how did I know that wasn't right for me until I tried it?So now what I have is debt and a string of failed attempts at finding my right fit. My family was supportive at first but that dwindled, and I can't blame them but with the dwinlding support came something much worse, the problem of listing off the things you once said you were going to do, what you have tired, and what you have failed at along the way and getting a good laugh about it. If there is one thing my family loves it is a good "I told you so" story.

I got so fed up with every little thing I have done being smeared across my face every time I mentioned school or work that I didn't talk about it anymore, and didn't answer questions about it.

I was reduced to keeping my ideas, my thoughts, my dreams inside my own home, sometimes even from my own husband. I would wait until I was alone and do research, hiding my evidance so I wouldn't be questioned about anything.

Then one day I was so enthralled in one of my research stints that I got caught. So Husband did what he does best and he dragged the truth out of me.

And I told him how I had been feeling and that I had made a list of everything that interested me. Then narrowed the list of interests to what I could and would for a living and had been researching it for about 3 months now. I showed him my note book full of pros and cons list, prgrams of study, income projections, employment projections.

He was kind of stunned at my "report" as he called it and then wanted to know more like which one I was leaning more towards, how did this make the list and so on.

Ideas I have researched in the past 3 months:
Teaching (History or English)
Nursing
Midwifery/Doula
Surgical Technology
Medical assisting
Councling
Medical billing and coding

The more research I have done the list has dwindled down even more.
I have been praying that one will just fall in to place you know? That one day I will see something so clear that it was like "Duh, this is totally where I am supposed to be."
Right now I am still in the to scared to do anything phase  but I am trying to move forward and have been researching all of these more and more.

I will say there are some front runners but until I talk to some peeps and learn more I don't want to say one or the other.