A quarter at a time

Not only am I going to take school a quarter at a time but there is something else that I will take a quarter at a time.

I decided while I was eating cook dough the other night that my eating and my weight are out of control. There have been a lot of emotions about the changes coming down the pipe for me, which will get their very own post but, but a common theme is taking control/charge of my life.

My weight and eating habits are a dark and twisty place in my psyche. There is so much more attached to the weight I carry both physically and emotionally and the food I eat.  I am going to be struggling with this the rest of my life and the thought of it is exhausting but I know I just have to woman up and slap it in the face. 

I see these women who had a life changing moment when they saw what they had become and fought back and I thought when that moment comes I will do something about it, but until then pass the chips. But the fact of the matter is I am living in one of those scenarios, everything revolves around my weight, my mood, the affection I give, the affection I will receive, where I shop, activities I will partake in, who I will socialize with,  Basically, I am not living my whole life.  Is that what those women were talking about? I so badly want to be done living a limited life, I am going to be 26 and I feel like I am going on 50.

So, I decided I am going to give myself a quarter, March 26^th - June 9^th to living well.

There are some rules:

1.    Do NOT weigh myself,  base progress off of how I look and feel

2.    Do NOT blog about the experience until the quarter is over

I know, I know… how I can tell you about this and then not blog about it. The answer to why that is lies with my other attempts.  I put way too much emphasis on the number and not the overall goal and then if I am not getting results or I fall behind that is when old habits arise.

I am very proud of myself for not having purged in almost a year and I want to make this as healthy as I can so I am taking the stress factor out, which is one of my triggers anyway.

My goal is to do an active activity 3 times a week for 60 minutes; I am not going to limit myself and want to use this opportunity to find my healthy activity of 2012.

So to put this in perspective I want to challenge myself to healthy living for 11 weeks, which equals 77 days.

Within those 11 weeks or 77 days, I want to work out 33 times.

I think I am going to make a calendar that is just a quarter calendar that I can put a big black x mark through. 

What I want to take from this is to show myself I can do it, that I can live a healthier lifestyle and still be happy. That I don’t need a miracle diet or pill, all I need is myself. I am not going to say that it is all about being healthier, I do want to lose weight in the end but I think I am beginning to see a more realistic, achievable outcome than the one that I put on a pedestal. 

For years I wanted to be that emaciated looking model you see in the magazines, I wanted my rib bones to show and my hip bones to protrude from under my skin.  I am not sure if it was just getting older or what but I finally realized that wasn’t me, nor would I be happy looking like that. Over the past few weeks a feeling of acceptance has started to lap at my feet. Yes I am not happy being this size but I am not hating myself for it either. I made the choices that made me this way and I am beginning to accept it. It wasn't the constant ridicule from my family about my weight, it was me eating half the cookie dough during prep. My mom always says "that it's better to be a product of your past than a prisoner thereof". I said that the other day in a conversation about my always in some type of trouble little brother and it was almost an out of body experience, where my out of body was laughing at me and then slapped me.

I am testing these new waters of acceptance, dipping my toe in and in that I am seeing past the fat and seeing the woman that I have become. I am married to a wonderful man, I am currently sitting in MY living room in the house I own, I am taking charge of my education and taking a risk. And finally I am seeing that in gaining this weight it didn't make me less of a woman, I still have curves, a great rack and the ability to accessorize!