weekend recap

This weekend was the bad end to a bad week.

During the week 2 of my 3 everyday bras broke, I blew out my last pair of jeans, work sucked, weather sucked... it was just an off week. Then I get a lovely call from my Dad on Saturday which pretty much set the tone of the weekend.

A little history of my Dad and I's relationship:

I have Father Issues. My Dad in general is a good guy, but on the Dad front.... kind of lacking. Our relationship has been strained my entire life. I never felt like I was accepted for me with him. I was never my Brother (the prodigal child) and my Dad didn't know what to do with me. My Dad is a fan of the facade he is a good Dad when people are watching, when he can get a pat on the back from his friends or they can oooo and ahhhh and how great he is. Barf! When behind all the fake I couldn't get an ounce of support or respect out of him. I am not going to lie, there have been good times but sometimes it is a fight to see it through all the crap.

A few weeks ago something happened with my Dad, that I won't get in to on here, but I can tell you that I am still angry and disappointed with him and his wife.

Last week we talked and he keeps trying to make excuses for what happened and quite frankly I am sick and tired of his excuses and He said that he hoped no one had hard feelings towards his wife. I said that I would clear the air and told him that we, being my Grandma and I, weren't mad at his wife we were just disappointed in both of them. To which he told me that we are human. I told him that if I would have been in his situation, he would be disappointed in me too. He said that he would have to think about that....

Fast forward to Saturday and he says that he wants to talk to me about our conversation. I thought, wow he may have actually thought about it and may want to talk about it. Ha! Fat chance. Instead he starts to lecture me on how he didn't appreciate me belittling him with my opinion, and that when a family is in crisis you need to support them, not talk down to them and make them feel small.

I. was. Livid.

First of all, how the hell does he have the balls to dare lecture me about being supportive? I mean every single time I turned to him about a hard decision I had to make, advice on an issue, or just wanted a shoulder to cry on he didn't skip a beat giving me his 2 cents, usually about how I was wrong. How am I not being supportive? I mean I am the one that took his 81 year old mother down town, I came and saw you the day after, and I mean how is that not showing support? I could have turned my back and left him there but no, I didn't, I showed up.

Secondly, how dare you tell me how to feel about this situation. I mean the only reason he was so defensive about what I had said was because he didn't want to hear it. He didn't want me to have an opinion on the situation, too bad I will because I was dragged in to it.

Ugh.

I am just so done with his bull shit. My Dad has said (jokingly) that he is an alcoholic, a bad father, and so on in the hopes that we won't expect anything from him because he is those things. That I shouldn't have expected him to write some kind of speech for my wedding, you know being as he was the father or the bride, so instead he pulled a speech out of thin air and basically thanked my mom for having sex with him to make me and then he proceeded to thank my new in laws for sleeping together to make my Husband. Nor should my brother expect my Dad to write him while he was away at boot camp, go to the air port when he left, or go to his graduation or even call him the day he graduated and say congrats. No, No he has already put it put there that he is a bad father so we can't expect him to do anything or give anything. Whenever he says those things he wants us to stroke his ego and say "Oh No dad you are an amazing father.” Belch! Yeah right.

He keeps saying that he is Human. I understand that we all are, and what comes from being human is the vulnerability to make mistakes. But what separates us from the poo flinging primates is our ability to have a conscience and the ability to learn from our mistakes. But he doesn't, won't and didn't. What happened should have sent up a red flag that some dynamic in his life and/or marriage is way off. But he can never be wrong. All he learned was to stay away from hard liquor. All I can say is that, if he doesn't take the time to learn and get help, he isn't going to be in my life anymore. I know I showed up to support him, but I am not going to sit here and support an unhealthy relationship and an out of control problem. I just can't. And he can't expect me to. I am tired. Tired of putting time and effort in to our relationship and not getting anything back because he expects me to be there, and love him. How is that fair?