Thursday, January 17, 2013
I bought some maternity clothes, the process for making sure everything fit led to a not yet showing pregnant lady shoving a pillow in to her pants that are without a zipper and button but are equipped with a full panel of spandex.
But first I wanted to talk about body.
I have body image issues, surprised? you shouldn't be.
I think I am the fattest fat person on the planet and I think that everyone else thinks that and judges the crap out of me. In a nut shell.
There was a fear before I got pregnant that being pregnant and the hugeness that comes with it would send me on a downward spiral in to the depths on my own self loathing... wow, that was a very melodramatic sentence.
Anyway, but when I did get pregnant and dealing with everything, my body problems was the last thing on my mind. In fact when I did start to feel better I often found myself with my hands on my belly and grabbing my husbands hands to put them on there too. What was my deal? This was the same person that if my husband grabbed my stomach before October I would push him, sometimes with too much vigor, away and sulk about being fat.
Then at Christmas with his parents I noticed the air was lighter, I wasn't as up tight, and honestly wasn't spending a bunch of time creating the perfect outfit, making sure every hair was in place, make up on. I really could of cared less, and not to mention I was still throwing up.
It wasn't until Kitty asked me at our last session how I was doing with my body issues and usually I had a mouthful to say about it, this time I just sat there. Until that point I hadn't even thought about being fat, or how disgusting I usually found myself.
She asked about my trip and I told her how easy it was and she asked me why I thought that was, I sat back and reflected and then it came to me.
"The focus wasn't on me it was on the baby and I didn't feel like I was under the microscope"
Not that I was before, but something you have to understand about southern women vs. me in general. Southern women are always ON, meaning hair blown out, impeccable outfit, flawless make up, these goddess' even shave their legs in the winter time. Let's not even get in to the sweetness they exude and their general niceness to everyone.
This is what husband grew up with, this was his norm and I am pretty sure this is the type of person his mother dreamed of him marrying....
Then there is the mess that is me. Pores big enough to serve guac out of, not a spec of make up in sight, day old hair pulled back in a funky pony tail, legs that haven't seen a razor since I was forced to shave for my massage over Christmas. I am not sweet nor do I have a general niceness about me. I am a curmudgeon with the mouth of sailor and a sense of humor only a small percentage of society would deem appropriate and those people you probably wouldn't want to meet in a dark alley. Please don't think I am putting myself down here ladies because I am more than comfortable with who I am, it is just a far cry from the southern belles of Husbands old stomping grounds and sometimes husband will introduce me to a child hood friend and she is standing there all southern and I look at him like "Really?"
I promise you this has a point.
Since getting pregnant, my body issues have disappeared.
The clothes I bought, the tops at least, all form fitting. I have spent years and countless dollars on clothes that hid my stomach, torture devices that made it hard to breathe but damn it if I didn't have love handles.
Now, I can't wait to show off my big belly, have people touch it (I say that now, but the first stranger that does, may get krav maga-ed , I am sorry future person).
I don't think twice about people looking at me and I for sure could care less if they judge me (which I know they aren't, I just think they are) the only people I am focused on is husband and baby. And it took getting pregnant to really realize that it should have been that way since day one.
I feel lighter than I ever have in my life and I have full panel elastic waist pants to thank for that.