It is time...

To continue my quest for the healthy life!

The fire has been lit under my to big bottom and can I say that I am happy to feel that heat. When I started this journey I stated that my depression controls (as much as I wish it didn't) a huge part of my life and for the past few months it has been hard to keep my head above water.

But, I have seen the light at the end of the this tunnel and have a breathed the fresh air and I am ready to get back to it.

Something I realized too, in my own personal pit of despair, Do I really need to be a size 10 to be happy? My janky body image thing crept up again and I had it in my head that I had to be the skinnest I have ever been to be happy. The only issue was this is supposed to be about getting healthy right? Not a pant size. So I had to reanalyze my goals and how I am going to go about this.

When I did my confession I talked about my purging and that is another reason why I stopped my Healthy Life because it had become a sham. It was never enough, the work outs were never long enough, I never cut enough calories... it is a dark and twisty sprial. So how does one become healthy when you pine to look like the girls on the runway? The truth is I still don't have an answer for you yet. I am going to try my darnedest though.

Goals to focus on this time around:
1. Getting to a healthy BMI
2. Losing inches
3. Work on toning my muscles

My new goal weight will be anywhere between 150-160lbs. That will get me out of the "OMG you are going to die" BMI range and will get me comfortably on my way to "you are going to live a normal life with out Wilford Brimley saying Diabetus and it pertaining to me" BMI

I am going to invest in a few healthy recipe books, books like Eat, Shrink and Be Merry and Maybe a Volumetrics book. I will see what Half price books has in store for moi.

How to loose 10 lbs in 30 min!

On Saturday I had an itch, an itch to do something very drastic.

to cut my hair off.

I had been pondering this for awhile and I didn't see a reason not to. The reason we were late on Friday was because it took me a good 30 min to blow dry my hair, it was looking quite mousy, and it was breaking like mad crazy.

I prepared Hubs for the shock because as he said he wasn't going to take part in such a travesty.... big baby.

I went in to my usual hair place to see my stylist leaving to go to her Bridal shower. hmpf. I don't just let anyone cut my hair. So I was deflated, I was all physced out ready to DO THIS and she was gone. I went in anyway to see if the one other person that I trusted was able to cut my hair. He is always busy and it was totally a last ditch effort and I walked in to see the place deserted and him sitting in his chair waiting. I was so excited. I told him if I didn't do it today I wouldn't do it. He was game for my mane to fall (ha.)

It wasn't as heart breaking as I thought it was going to be, I will say it was a shock to see how much hair was falling to the floor.

Have you ever had someone notice something or point something out about you that you have never seen/noticed/wouldn't notice in a million years? And you always think to yourself "Great, thanks for adding something else to my list of insecurities...."

Chris did it to me this weekend. He decided to keep my hair a little longer than what was in the picture so I could decide after the initial shock wore off if I wanted it shorter. He is almost finished and I hear him say "huh, that's funny." I think what is so funny about the back of my head?

Chris: Your hair grows really weird

Me: I know I kind of have a cow lick

Chris: Yeah, I noticed that but that isn't that I was talking about.

Me: Then what are you talking about?

Chris: Well, lets just say I am glad I didn't take it as short as the picture because you know the duck butt thing we all have at the back of our neck?

Me: Yeah

Chris: Well, yours is way off to the side

Me: Oh, well that's not bad

*Chris continues to cut*

Chris: What the-

Me: What! ( I say it with a hint of terror in my voice because he has buzz clippers in his hands and I have a montage flash before my eyes of a huge chunk of hair on the ground that can't be fixed and the only way to live with it, is if I buzz my whole head)

Chris: You have a whole section of hair that grows up and out. Be REALLY glad we didn't go any shorter.

all I could do is blink at him.

*He is finished and hands me the mirror so he can show me the back*

Chris: Insert styling tips and explanations here- see what I mean about your hair? (lifts up my hair and shows me the janky part of my hair- If you ever go shorter than this it would look like you have a hump!!!!- he laughs

How is that laughable? Having a hump?

I don't think I could pull the whole Quasimodo thing off.

After all was said and done 10 inches of hair was on the floor. I wanted to donate it but not all of my hair was 10 inches :( sad face.

Are you ready to see it?

Are you huh HUH HUH!?!?!?!?!

ok you are.

Here is the before:

And the After:

So what do you think?

This really happend Thursday.

It has been brought to my attention by one of my besties that I was a crazy child, and that I should pray to the Lord that they don't act like me...

I thought Nah, I couldn't have been that bad but I totally was. So I thought I would share some little gems from my child hood.

Enjoy.

The Dark Death

When I was a pipsqueak I loved to be in dark places, I would wonder off and sit in a cabinet or my mom would walk by my room and hear me talking to myself and I would be sitting in my closet with my blankie having a tea party. When I was 4 I started to go to extremes with my love of dark places, I wanted to find new spaces and have adventures in this uncharted territory. In my Grandma's house it wasn't that hard to find what I was looking for, the basement in her house was huge and had tons of nooks and crannies that I could disappear in. One day while visiting, My brother and I were in the basement playing, romping around, you know usually kid stuff. When his ADHD kicked in suddenly he didn't want to play anymore, before I could blink I was standing by myself in the middle of the basement, now any other small child probably would have peeded themselves and started crying for their mommies. Not me, I was bad ass renegade on a mission to find a new hideout. I scored the basement and looked behind old furniture, the water heater closet, a storage area and nothing was completely dark. Getting frustrated, and a little defeated I started to walk back upstairs when I walked past "it". It, was a big white freezer that wasn't being used and EUREKA!!!!! I had found it, a new dark hiding spot just for me. I strutted over to it and pulled with all my might and the door finally became ajar. I climbed my way in and shut the door behind me. It was a AWESOME! It was big enough for me to move around it but small enough that no one else could get in it with me, it was completely dark which was at the top of my requirement list. Feeling this was a victory I got situated and thought about all the cool things I could do in my new hideout. With all of this excitement I had barely noticed that it had gotten quite "close" in my new favorite place. Then I noticed that this closeness was making it kind of hard to breathe so I decided this probably wasn't a good idea. so I pushed on the door, nothing happened, I shoved the door, nothing happened. My little 4 year old brain started to freak the eff out. I started pounding and pounding and as this was happening was I turning myself around and wasn't even sure if it was the door or not. Crying was an understatement for what I was doing, I was down right sobbing and had to sit down because the air was getting sparse so with one last bit of strength I kicked, kicked with everything in me and finally the door swung open. I remember crawling out and gasping for air, I remember running up the stairs in to the living room where my mom and grandma were sitting and the looks on their faces. I mean they had probably been talking about the weather and then were interrupted by a hyperventilating, hysterical 4 year old that can't even put a sentence together. When I finally got it out they didn't really believe me... which is totally understandable, but when they went downstairs and saw the damage to the door they were speechless.

I finally collapsed and probably passed out... I don't know. But this is one of those haunting memories because yes it all happened in seconds but to me being trapped in the dark death it felt like an eternity, and also because when I look back I realize how I almost died and someone is totally looking out for me.

Talk about scared for life.

To this day I am scared of the dark and clostraphobic... who would have thought?

hmpf.

I have actually tyed 3 different blogs but can't seem to get anything to come out.

I feel like I shouldn't be writing on here if it isn't witty or laughable but sometimes I just don't have it in me.

I am still tired, actually more so than just tired, I feel exhausted, flat, weary, worn-out... yeah those are better words.

I think I may be going crazy as well. I have actually cried 3 times this week, yeah 3 and it is just Wednesday. What is that? I mean I am not a crier, I actually hate it because I have a mad ugly crying face and get all red and splotchy and gross. It isn't a release for me at all, I feel worse after I cry. So why 3 times this week you ask
1. Hubs was being a Jerk about his iphone... oh, did I not tell you about that. Well, Hubs woke up one day and decided his 205 area code and phone weren't good enough anymore and he needed a NEW PHONE RIGHT EFFING NOW! So, what does he do? He gets the phone that I have been coveting since it came out and didn't get when it was my time to re-up because we were in the middle of planning our wedding and so I got the free phone. Anyway, oh and it raised my phone bill $60.00 because we are now a family and needed a plan to go with it? and you can't have an iphone with out the media plan to go with it. My whole issue with this situation is that he HAD to get it now, he couldn't wait until my contract was up so we can share in the iphone joy together, and then got mad at me for not being happy for him and his new phone.... really? Are you 5? Then a few days later of me stewing he FINALLY asked me what was wrong, and I told him. To which he said "Why didn't you tell me that" and I said kinda snarky, "why do I always have to do the thinking for you?"

Back to why I was crying. Ok so Monday was the championship game in which Duke was playing, Hubs is a fan of Duke. Whatever, I don't care for basketball, so I wasn't looking forward to watching it. So, hubs has scrabble on his iphone so he thought it would be cool for him to be on his iphone playing scrabble AND have control of the TV, I told him No it is either/or. So I stole his iphone from him and started playing scrabble and can I just brag for a moment and say that I got 34 points on a triple letter and triple word.. BOOM!!!! Anyway I win the game and cheer myself during my victory and hubs says to me "You know, I could have done that too if you wouldn't have taken my iphone." Now I know it doesn't sound mean, but he said it total snarky snark. And I don't know where it came from but I teared over. It was mean. The reason I stayed down stairs and didn't go up stairs and watch another tv was because I didn't want him to whine, use that little boy whiny voice and ask me why I leaving him. Like I was leaving him at a rest stop or something.

2. Ok, I am just going to get it out there I hate math, I am really really bad at math. I am so bad at math that my first chapter in my book is called whole numbers. I am so bad in Math, they are teaching, right now, monkeys to do the math in my math book to prove they are smart.... yeah

Anyway it was my fault, I totally forgot there was a quiz yesterday. Now it really isn't any big deal because this teacher will let you do make up work to get full points on a quiz so really even if you bomb it you are cool. So, I sit down to take my quiz and when he grades it right in front of me. I didn't do great, but the reason I got upset was because he marked a question wrong because he couldn't read my hand writing.... yes you read correctly... he told me what it should say, and I told him what my paper said and yes his wording was different than mine but to make sure the reader wasn't confused I put examples and such.... he said "well, you may have been saying that but I don't know what this is?" and I asked him what he meant. I asked point blank if he was marking it wrong because the information was wrong or because he couldn't read my writing? He gave me a bull shit answer and I could have fought it but I could already feel the tears swelling. It still makes me mad. I mean we had to tell him 3 0r 4 times yesterday to please slowdown to which he ranted off an excuse that really made no sense, it had something to do with us not being in his brain and it was hard for him to comprehend that....

I am going to have someone look over my quiz because when we were reviewing 3 of his answers were wrong on his answer key... yeah he is a real winner this one.

I sulked to my car, feeling defeated and down right dumb. I mean if monkeys can do it why can't I?

3. I may have started this blog but not posted it, hubs and I made 7 meals on Sunday and froze them, I wanted to take as much stress off as I could and cooking and cleaning up every night seemed like a good idea. So we both cleaned up afterwards but I stayed up and wiped everything down, loaded up and ran the dishwasher one more time and put all the food away. Well, in doing all of that I thought that hubs would unload the dishwasher, I don't know why but that is probably one of my least favorite jobs. I will load a dishwasher but I hate unloading it... call me crazy. So the dishes sat there until last night, until Hubs decreed "this is unacceptable." And started to clean. Now, as soon as I heard him say this I started to cry, because I have been saying that since we started living together and have even tried to remedy it. And now that HE HAS DECLARED IT HE FINALLY STARTS CLEANING WITH OUT ME ASKING HIM!?!?!?!?

He also said something about how he doesn't want to live like this anymore (meaning a messy house) and I just broke down. How am I supposed to Work, Go to school and rock at it so I can apply for scholarships next quarter, and keep a spic and span house? Something is going to have to give, He said he didn't mean it "Like that", that we are both messy not just me but it still hurt my feelings....

All of this has me down in the dumps, I mean I feel like Math and I are at war, and I am a sucky wife.

I know I am having a pitty party, and I can cry if I want to, crrrrrrrrrrrrrry if I want to!

Anyway I know it isn't true the whole being a sucky wife thing, I think I am just going to have to sit hubs down and tell him I am going to need more help, or tell him to calm the eff down and wait for me to do the cleaning on the weekends. I don't know but it will get better.

So that is my life, unexpected mood swings and tears.

maybe it menopause....

an actual post.

That's right I am actually going to post something. YAY ME!!!!

This week was the start of classes. I haven't been in classes like this since 2006, so I am kinda wiped out.

My essay and research teacher is a totally hippy but in a good way. He likes class discussion and his motto is fun can exist in the class room, so I think I may like this class.


My World Civilization teacher is kind of awesome. He has actually been to most of the places that we are discussing, and has an amazing knowledge of art.


We are learning about art right now and I kind of have a huge crush on it.


Math is my hell, even if the teacher is cool.


So all and all it was a good first week of school.



Remember that HUGE project that I was undertaking. Well it is 95% finished. I have a dresser to go through and then bag everything but one of besties came over last night to help me weed through all the crap. I had pulled out my summer clothes, which were being stored under my bed and I think when she walked in was in shock of the sheer amount of clothing I have. But she saw real quickly that I keep eve.ry.thing. I had clothes from 2006.... my body type was a lot different in 2006. Anywhoozer, we had a lot of fun, she helped me out a lot. And by that I mean, I wanted to keep a shirt, that is waaaaaay too small, and I said "But it is my favorite Oasis album, and it has my favorite song lyric from bye bye Birdie one it....." She wasn't having it, even after I sang the song to her.... Yes J-Bird, that shirt went to the pile.


In one of our many discussions last night I told her about a new mantra/outlook on life I am trying,I saw it on Fat Girl in Wedding dress and it made sense. I put myself down a lot, I say mean things to myself, make fun of my body, it is a pretty bad scene. I know I am not what society sees as beautiful, ok maybe that isn't the right way to say it, but that is how the media can sometimes shove it down our throats. So every day I tell myself something that I love about me, right now. Not when I was a size 10, but the size I am in today, and to tell you the truth, it does give me an extra pep in my step.


Things that I have loved about myself this week:

1. Will always be my Boobs, they are amazing.
2.My legs (from the knee down), you put me in a pencil skirt, and heels and I look KILLER!!!!
3. My hair. For some reason this week it has been working with me and not against me
4. My white spots. Yes they are multiplying and that scares me, but they are apart of what makes me, me.
5. My neck and chest area, no I am not saying my boobs again, it is the area above the ladies. I don't know why but I think it is a sexy area on any woman, myself included.

Some make take my list as conceded but I see it as growth.

Well ladies, have a great Easter weekend!!!

so much to do so little time

there is a lot going on right now. School started and I can say after getting through all my classes, as of right now I like my teachers and the material. I guess I am on speaking terms with my dad again, he called me last night and he invited me and Hubs to Easter dinner.

That is all I have right now. Once I get in to the swing of my new busy schedule I will update more.

Today is going to be beautiful, I actually can't wait to walk outside on campus.

Have a great Wednesday everyone!!!

I should be charged with Blogging neglect.

My Bloggies, I am so sorry.


I have been neglecting you.


I mean I always blog, even when there isn' t really much to say.


So I am just going to start somewhere and hope this post finds its way.


My lack of blogging can also coincide with my lack of energy. I have never been this devoid of energy in my life. It is getting kind of serious, I can't even really put a sentence together because by the time I get to the end of said sentence I am can barely keep my eyes open.


I don't know why sleep broke up with me, but whatever I did I am sorry and I hope you come back soon, I miss you.


I start school on Monday and I am hella excited. You know what I am most excited about? School supplies. Binders, notebooks, highlighters, you name it and I geek out over them. Tomorrow will be the day I fill up my book bag with school goodies and I a wait the noon o'clock hour so I can be on my way to higher education.


Tonight I am introducing my Mom to good Sushi. She has only had sushi once and it was from the grocery store. I will be taking her to Haiku so I can mature her pallet.

I have started a huge project, one that will be a huge undertaking and one that is long over due. What project you might ask? The project of cleaning out my closet. I don't think I have ever cleaned out my closet. Ok I did once but that was back in August, and it really wasn't cleaning it out I just got rid of the clothes that were either old, stained, holey, riped, torn you get the point. But I have never done the whole if you haven't worn it in a year then you should probably get rid of it. So I decided now is probably the best time. Our watching of my brothers cat is going to be ending soon and when that happens, our second walk in closet is going to be used for storage and Hubs and I are going to share a closet.

I am scared.

He is scared.

I have mass amounts of clothing people, to the point that is is ridiculous. I will be documenting my journey from the black abyss to clean and organized.

An up side to this is my wardrobe will get a major face lift after everything is said and done. Hubs told me I was allowed to shop. I say it like that because we are on a strict budget, one that hubs keeps us on very tyrannically sometimes, but I have been saving my pennies waiting for this day.

I will definitely give you before and after pics because this is going to be interesting. Remember when I said that I watched the brave little toaster when I was kid and it messed me up? It did for most inanimate objects, clothing included. I look at a shirt that really doesn't have real sentimental value for a non crazy person but for me I am all like "but I was wearing that shirt on the day I heard my new summer anthem for the summer of 2007, that was a good day."

And that is all I need to convince me to keep said summer anthem shirt.

So I need to grit my teeth and be mean to my clothes and put them in a plastic bag and take them to Volunteer's of America.

Something else I realized. I love stripes. Just about as mush as I love polka dots.

Not slimming vertical stripes, you know the only ones chubs are supposed to wear. Nu-huh I love big, little, solid, multi-color, horizontal stripes.

I know fashion fail.