Goo Goo Ga Ga...

I have baby on the brain.

Sunday, I went with my Brother and SIL to pick out the baby's new bedding. My brother was so cute, like a kid in a candy store and my SIL was just a little over whelmed at everything you need for a baby, and the price tag. I am not saying she is naive but it is a shock that a breast pump can cost anywhere from $60.00 to almost $200.00. During this very fun family outing I felt that familiar tug at my uterus, only it was a lot harder than usual.

(TMI!!!! consider yourself warned)
A few weeks ago I had a pregnancy possibility (I am not going to call them scares because I am not scared to be pregnant). I was late, had only a day of light spotting, mild cramps (compared to this debilitating ones I am used to), fatigue and nausea. Now, if you were me what would you think? Prego! Right? I always over analyze everything and really took a step back and tried to listen what my body was telling me. I am not very in tune with my body but I couldn’t shake the feeling that it was telling me something was up. I tried to really think “has my body ever done this before?” the spotting; no I have never had spotting with out the following 4-7 days of pure hell that is my period. The only thing that was normal for me was the fatigue I mean I am always tired, but nothing else was normal for me. I am on the shot but have not been regular with it (last one was in Aug). I know, I know, but we were still safe when I wasn't regular with my shot so you can stop judging me now. From what I read you can get pregnant while on Depo, it is extremely rare but it can happen. The only thing is, I am not regular in any sense of the word. I was one of the lucky girls that didn't get a visit from Aunt flo while on depo but once I stopped using it I would start back up again. I did have a visit in October but not November. Could I be? I started scouring the Internet (mistake I know) for info. I found out how far along I would be if I was and it was still too early to tell. So, I bought a pregnancy test and just waited. As the nausea wore on, I waited, I don't know what for. I was scared but I was so excited to think that I could be pregnant. My brain was calling me insane and telling me that it wasn't the right time but my heart had already started looking at baby names. This is something that I have always wanted and it is a legitimate fear of mine to find out I am infertile or barren. I prayed. I prayed for guidance, I wanted God to help ease my worry. Was this his plan for me? For my Husband? I know I am supposed to just let God's will be, but I sill asked my questions and then finished my prayers with what ever your will, will be.

I finally took the test one morning and it was negative. I was relieved and heart broken at the same time. I mean for a few days, as silly as it sounds, I played around with the idea that I could actually be pregnant. I was secretly elated, and to think you are and then find out you aren't is like having chocolate cake and dangling it front of a fat kid. I will say my reaction really put things in perspective for me. It concreted that I feel ready, mentally and emotionally for children.

I just never thought it would be this quickly, I thought with 5 years of cell phones, computer chats and airports I wouldn’t want to even say “baby” for a while after our wedding. But here I am almost 4 months after I said “I do” and I am ready to see 2 pink lines! But then I think we have been together for 6 years and I feel behind. Does that make sense? Hubs and I talked about it last night, what we wanted to accomplish before baby. In 2010 we are both going to make a much needed conscience effort to live more frugally. I know this is long over due but 1.we are going to sit down make a strict budget and stick to it like glue. We both really need to become better with money, I have always been horrible with it and now that he is making his own he is having trouble seeing the difference between a need and a want. The goal with this is to take a big chunk out of our debt. 2. We are both going to get in better shape. Hubs because in his words “is tired of having a belly,” and me because I want my body to be in tip top shape before, during and after pregnancy. I watched a documentary called Obese and Pregnant and granted I am no where close to those women weight wise (they were all morbidly obese where I am your just good ole run of the mill obese.) But the problems that can arise, gestational diabetes, hyper tension, it was like a scared straight video. I don’t want a high risk pregnancy and risk hurting my child due to my bad choices. 3. I want to finish school and Hubs wants to find a better job. This is a personal goal for me and an almost a necessity for Hubs. He is very happy to be employed but would like to get out of retail. So, our pre baby goals are to get out of debt, get healthy, and accomplish both our personal goals in 12 months. Let’s see if we can do this !!!!!!