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Welcome! My name is Mrs.G and I started this blog so people could share in my mis-adventures in wedding planning. I married my southern gentleman on September 6th, 2009. Throughout our courtship I became enamored with everything southern and desperately want to become a steel magnolia.
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Monday, September 21, 2009

Need some help...

So now that the wedded bliss fairy dust is starting to settle reality is starting to take over. Frustrations arise, a little gloom too.

Everything that you read in bride books about a slight depression after your wedding is true on some level for every bride. Wither it be a complete nuclear meltdown or just being bored on the weekends. I can say that after 9 months of actual planning and preparing, every weekend being devoted to something wedding, watching wedding show after wedding show, scouring lord knows how many bride magazines, there is a void there. This is the time of your life you get to plan and live out your fairy tale. It is exciting to take a blank canvas and truly make it in to a cohesive vision of what you and your partner wants. So when it is all life consuming and then it a memory it is hard to let it go. When I flip to a wedding show now I say how I was feeling at that point, or what I was thinking. I guess I was waiting to feel something different, I don't know, almost like getting that badge in girl scouts. I will admit I wanted it to be over with, not just because of the stress and the drama, but because I wanted to be a newlywed. Get to that final level in this whole process. Did I think I was going to miss it this much? Not at all.

So after falling back in to the swing of things, I feel that I am left wanting. I am not sure what that is but there is something there. Maybe it is the fact that there was this huge climax and then nothing. Because husband and I pretty much lived together preceding the wedding there wasn’t the excitement of blending our lives. Now I am left with the same frustrations that were there before we said I do.

The week before the wedding was such a whirlwind. From finishing projects, cleaning, double checking every last detail. Everything was perfect, including our home. I had scrubbed, washed and polished everything in that apartment. Nothing was out of place and it looked AWESOME!!!! Flash forward 2 weeks and it doesn’t even look like the same apartment. I will say there was an adjustment period afterward and a huge sigh of relief when it was over, and both of us being sick thrown in to that 2 weeks, but still….

I came from a home, growing up that was never clean. It was always cluttered, dishes in the sink, stuff like that. Nothing health department serious, it never took much to get it in to working order, just a reason like company or a holiday. So, now that I have my own place and by that I mean without parents I knew how I was going to want it to look and how I wanted to keep it up. That is fine for me, but there was a foreign object to bring in to the equation…. A boy. Boys in general are messy people, dirty people… and I am speaking that they are this way to the opposite sex. I could be about to wet my pants and would still run past his bathroom, and run to my own. Now, I tired the whole cleaning and maintaining but that didn’t work. It actually resulted in a big fight, that then lead to a discussion. The fight was about “Why should I give up my weekend to clean”, to my response “Why should I give up my weekend to be your maid?” I made it clear through the shouting that I am not his maid nor am I his mother in the sense that I shouldn’t have to nag you everyday to pick up your socks off the living room floor. I realized I was going about this the wrong way. I knew very little about Husbands everyday home life, at his parent’s house and in college. What were his chores at home? What were his parent’s roles in the house? How did his apartment in college look like on a day to day basis (can you tell I have been in therapy before)? I was very upfront with him. I told him I am a messy person by nature, I am prone to clutter and I keep everything. But! And I told him it was a big but, if I get the place clean it will be CLEAN! Like eat off the floor clean and I will get aggravated if it doesn’t stay that way. Then the answers to his questions came…

1. His chores were to keep the basement clean – which I knew was the start of my uphill battle. In previous discussions I knew he pretty much just let the trash (i.e pop cans and such) pile up until his mom said clean it up and to empty the dishwasher.

2. His dad was in charge of the honey dos and the yard work while his mom tended the rest of the house.

3. His apartment, like my house needed a reason to be clean.

Oh boy! Here I thought for all these years he was the yin to my yang in the sense of he was neat and clean and I was messy and cluttered. He would be my muse to keep a neat and tidy house, not my biggest adversary. So already I knew I was going to have to tell him what to do and to nag him to do it. I also told him since we live in an apartment and don’t have a yard and maintenance can take care of all my honey dos he was going to have to help around the house.

So I had finally had it with crusty work socks on my floor, and pop cans scattered about. I made a list, a compromise if you will, of the duties around the house. I even discussed it with him to see if it was ok to go by and he said yes. Now, I did leave some gray areas because I live in the real world where we both work 40 hours a week and sometimes are going to be extremely tired, or need help. So I put that on there. Well he took what I wrote and then decided to throw it back at me every time something wasn’t done on time or right then. Something I have noticed about husband is when it comes to him personally there are no rules. For example: If he is home all day and has to take Dot out I will take her out when I get home because he has had her all day. Now in any other circumstance we trade on and off on who gets to take little lady out, but when I said it is your turn he said but I have been with her all day, so I take her out. But last night, when I had been home with her all day he pulled the “it is your turn” thing. It is like that for a lot of stuff. But when I was planning the wedding and there was a blow out about the laundry, I snapped. I snapped because I even wrote out on the list “can ask for help if they need it.” Needless to say I haven’t touched his laundry since said blow out. I will say here and now that I would be the main cleaner, if I didn’t have to fight a loosing battle. I can clean to my little hearts content but he has to meet me half way, by simply picking up after himself, but he doesn’t even do that 100%. I am his wife, I don’t want to feel like the maid (a repeating theme in this blog), and that is exactly what I feel like when I am picking up after him constantly and not getting a “wow the house looks great” or “ thank you.” That last one is a big ONE.

So here I am, a messy house waiting for me, a husband that says “I’ll get it later” and that means days later, and a dire need for some guidance and motivation. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to nag him because 1. He is 25 (in a few weeks) and he is to old for that and 2. It is his house too. He needs to take as much pride in this apartment as he would our house, when the time comes. I need some fresh perspective…

How should Husband and I get on the same team? How did you lovely ladies deal with this issue? Or something similar.


  1. Sigh. I nag. You'll find that even though you don't want to be that person you will be to some extent. I wish you luck and you'll figure it out.

  2. I am not an expert by any means, but when I was married I found that if I wanted him to something then he had to want to do it.

    Let me give you an example. My ex-husband (ex b/c he cheated on me LOL) never ever put his clothes in the hamper. I told him I don't know if they're dirty if they're not in the hamper. One day while in a hurry, he came home from work and he didn't have any clean clothes. He was yelling at me furious. I told him "I didn't know what was dirty and what wasn't. I don't have time to sort through the clothes on the floor." Lets just say he learned to do the simple basics. Oh and FYI: he Febreezed his clothing b/c he had nothing clean LOL

    My suggestion is to get rid of the list. That could cause more fights and stress than it's worth. It already caused a fight with taking turns and asking for help. Try to do things together-ie: "Baby can you help me with the dishes?"

    It's about give and take. Ultimately, if you need something done you'll have to do it, but if you want something done and can stand to wait, he'll get around to it because ultimately he wants it too.

    Hope this helped!