So now that the wedded bliss fairy dust is starting to settle reality is starting to take over. Frustrations arise, a little gloom too.
So after falling back in to the swing of things, I feel that I am left wanting. I am not sure what that is but there is something there. Maybe it is the fact that there was this huge climax and then nothing. Because husband and I pretty much lived together preceding the wedding there wasn’t the excitement of blending our lives. Now I am left with the same frustrations that were there before we said I do.
The week before the wedding was such a whirlwind. From finishing projects, cleaning, double checking every last detail. Everything was perfect, including our home. I had scrubbed, washed and polished everything in that apartment. Nothing was out of place and it looked AWESOME!!!! Flash forward 2 weeks and it doesn’t even look like the same apartment. I will say there was an adjustment period afterward and a huge sigh of relief when it was over, and both of us being sick thrown in to that 2 weeks, but still….
I came from a home, growing up that was never clean. It was always cluttered, dishes in the sink, stuff like that. Nothing health department serious, it never took much to get it in to working order, just a reason like company or a holiday. So, now that I have my own place and by that I mean without parents I knew how I was going to want it to look and how I wanted to keep it up. That is fine for me, but there was a foreign object to bring in to the equation…. A boy. Boys in general are messy people, dirty people… and I am speaking that they are this way to the opposite sex. I could be about to wet my pants and would still run past his bathroom, and run to my own. Now, I tired the whole cleaning and maintaining but that didn’t work. It actually resulted in a big fight, that then lead to a discussion. The fight was about “Why should I give up my weekend to clean”, to my response “Why should I give up my weekend to be your maid?” I made it clear through the shouting that I am not his maid nor am I his mother in the sense that I shouldn’t have to nag you everyday to pick up your socks off the living room floor. I realized I was going about this the wrong way. I knew very little about Husbands everyday home life, at his parent’s house and in college. What were his chores at home? What were his parent’s roles in the house? How did his apartment in college look like on a day to day basis (can you tell I have been in therapy before)? I was very upfront with him. I told him I am a messy person by nature, I am prone to clutter and I keep everything. But! And I told him it was a big but, if I get the place clean it will be CLEAN! Like eat off the floor clean and I will get aggravated if it doesn’t stay that way. Then the answers to his questions came…
1. His chores were to keep the basement clean – which I knew was the start of my uphill battle. In previous discussions I knew he pretty much just let the trash (i.e pop cans and such) pile up until his mom said clean it up and to empty the dishwasher.
2. His dad was in charge of the honey dos and the yard work while his mom tended the rest of the house.
3. His apartment, like my house needed a reason to be clean.
Oh boy! Here I thought for all these years he was the yin to my yang in the sense of he was neat and clean and I was messy and cluttered. He would be my muse to keep a neat and tidy house, not my biggest adversary. So already I knew I was going to have to tell him what to do and to nag him to do it. I also told him since we live in an apartment and don’t have a yard and maintenance can take care of all my honey dos he was going to have to help around the house.
So here I am, a messy house waiting for me, a husband that says “I’ll get it later” and that means days later, and a dire need for some guidance and motivation. I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to nag him because 1. He is 25 (in a few weeks) and he is to old for that and 2. It is his house too. He needs to take as much pride in this apartment as he would our house, when the time comes. I need some fresh perspective…
How should Husband and I get on the same team? How did you lovely ladies deal with this issue? Or something similar.
Sigh. I nag. You'll find that even though you don't want to be that person you will be to some extent. I wish you luck and you'll figure it out.
ReplyDeleteI am not an expert by any means, but when I was married I found that if I wanted him to something then he had to want to do it.
ReplyDeleteLet me give you an example. My ex-husband (ex b/c he cheated on me LOL) never ever put his clothes in the hamper. I told him I don't know if they're dirty if they're not in the hamper. One day while in a hurry, he came home from work and he didn't have any clean clothes. He was furious...like yelling at me furious. I told him "I didn't know what was dirty and what wasn't. I don't have time to sort through the clothes on the floor." Lets just say he learned to do the simple basics. Oh and FYI: he Febreezed his clothing b/c he had nothing clean LOL
My suggestion is to get rid of the list. That could cause more fights and stress than it's worth. It already caused a fight with taking turns and asking for help. Try to do things together-ie: "Baby can you help me with the dishes?"
It's about give and take. Ultimately, if you need something done you'll have to do it, but if you want something done and can stand to wait, he'll get around to it because ultimately he wants it too.
Hope this helped!