I need to stop my life and ask for directions

hmmmm. this is a though one.

If I could go back and plan my life out I would already be out of school, working in the field of my degree, married and working towards saving towards a house. But, it didn't quite happen like that, I mean does it really ever?

Even in high school I wanted to go to culinary school. A friend of mine and I were going to move to New York and he was going to take Broadway by storm and I was going be a rock star in the kitchen. We went as far as looking for apartments, ha!

School just never seemed to work out for me, some of which was my fault and some was money but that is neither here nor there. The years past and I still don't have a degree, this is something I want terribly. But, I seem to be at a cross roads right now. I am trying to go back to culinary school and it isn't as smooth a sailing as I was told it would be. Money is also a big issue right now, or should I say the lack there of. So now I am faced with a difficult decision, do I keep plugging away and try to go back to school? Or do I just forget it, get a second job to pay off all my debt and then just move on?

I confided in one of my bestest that my dream is to be a stay at home mom. What I told her was, I am speaking in terms of me and me only here (this is not to offend), I don't want to be 30 and just starting my family. I can't stress the I in that sentence enough, when I told bestest that she looked at me crazy and I almost felt guilty for saying it. So why go back to school and get my degree if I am not going to use it? When she questioned what I said it showed me how big of a decision this is going to be and how much I am going to have to let go for either choice.

I know that I can go back to school but I also know that nothing is guaranteed. Me wanting something doesn't mean it is going to happen, and me planning it a certain way doesn't mean it is going to work out that way. I am not naive to this, I am allowed to dream of days at home with my children, but then accept the reality as I drop them off at daycare in my chef's jacket.