3 Month Letter

Hello Junebug,

You rang in your 3 month-iversary below the Mason Dixon line surrounded by friends and family.

First lets start off with the stats, at

 last official weigh in you were 9 lbs 14 oz. A quick trip to the doctor before our trip for a little viral infection 2 weeks later showed you were pushing 10 lbs.

You rolled over once, on a bed, with me on it. Ok so it was like rolling down a hill but you still got yourself on your side so I say it counts.

You have discovered your feet and are so impressed with yourself when you are looking down and you catch them moving.

The best development thus far is the fact that you are actually smiling as a response and not just spontaneously, also you chatter a lot more.

You have started to flirt with sleeping through the night, I think we have had 5 full nights of sleep this month and all the other times it was just one wake up. YAY! For everyone being more rested.

I will say you still hate going to bed and will fight it tooth and nail. Your napping is still horrid and you decide screaming until you turn purple is a better alternative to sleep, this logic baffles me.

We went on a trip to see Oma and Opa in South Carolina and you loved it! You loved to just sit outside in a diaper and take in the breeze off of the marsh. Your first trip to the beach wasn't awesome but in your defense we did wake you up so we aren't going to write it off yet.

You were Baptized and against all odds, slept through the whole thing. It was truly a miracle.

Little girl, I love you more and more everyday and when I get you to smile or coo I melt on the inside. Those big brown eyes have a hold of my heart little one and I can't wait to see how you have changed next month.

Lip Smackers my love.

Mommy

I blew out my V three months ago

And lived to tell the tale.

Barely.

 Since I didn't get to finish my belly shots because Sarah had other plans, here is what life and body are like 3 months post partum:

How big was baby at birth? 5 lbs 8 oz was 18.5 inches long

How big is baby now? 9lbs 4 ounces 20.5 inches long 

Total pregnancy weight gain: My final weigh in was at 236 or something. Which was down 11lbs pre-pregnancy. 

Weight Loss Since Delivery: Last weigh in was 215, so 21 lbs down since birth but 32 lbs over all 

Symptoms/How I'm Feeling: better now. For the first 6 weeks after my labor I had back pain from the epi and of course soreness from delivery itself. I was slightly anemic afterwards and would tire easily but the most annoying was the ringing in my ears, that lasted about 4 weeks.  

Stretch Marks Status: I actually made it out unscathed! The stretch marks I thought were forming never really materialized. But LAWWWWWWD are things saggy. I think it is from the combination of loosing so much weight and things being stretched out. The most surprising area, me inner thighs... who knew! 

What I miss about being pregnant: I miss the belly, I loved rubbing it and just feeling big and pregnant. I have a feeling if I were to have been asked this question towards the end of my pregnancy my answer would have been nothing....

Baby's Disposition: She is over dramatic like me, and knows what she wants, when she wants it and it has to be her idea..... like me. Our predictions were correct, she has Husbands looks but my personality... lord help us.

Mama's Sleep: Better, but after she wakes up for her nighttime feeding I have trouble going back to sleep. 

Baby's Sleep: Hard to explain. She doesn't nap, she will take 30 min power naps which will hold her over for a while but when 7:00 hits she is the biggest fussy pants. She is tired but fights sleep tooth and nail, so we start her bedtime routine around 8 and she usually out by 9:30, after a bottle and a 45 min of crying. We will hold her while she gets her bottle and we try to burp her and then she goes in to her bassinet. That's when the crying starts, we check on her and she will eventually wear her self out. Its stressful but the pay off is she sleeping through the night. 

I am loving: being able to eat like a normal person, being thinner than I was pre-baby, and diet coke. 

I am spazzing about: Wondering if her daycare is the right place for her. Some stuff happened the week we left for her baptism that I should have addressed then but didn't. Mom fail. 

I am looking forward to: Family pics next month and starting cereal

Belly Picture: 

Dot woes

We all remember dot right? The adorable, fun loving, sassy basset hound?

Ok, well Dot isn't so adorable and fun loving anymore.

The adorable part... maybe.

Before Sarah came in to the world we tried to prepare the dogs as much as possible. We tried to teach them down and quiet, played crying baby tracks when it was quiet and even carried stuff in our arms so they got used to us not being "theirs" 24/7.

I wasn't worried about the puppies in all honesty, yes the training was difficult and some days you would swear they had amnesia and forgot EVERYTHING, but they are young and I figured they would bounce back from this life changing event mostly unscathed.

Dot on the other hand, I knew her adjustment was going to go one of two ways, she would either not give a hoot or spiral out of control.

Can we guess which happened?

Do you think I would be writing a blog post if she didn't give a hoot?

It started when we came home, when my mom and husband  made their way to and from the hospital I made sure they took the blanket Sarah had been wrapped in and let the dogs smell it. That's what all the books said to do. Check!

Then when we got home we introduced her to the big dogs, one by one. Dot ran up the stairs and came right to me and wanted belly rubs, then she heard it.

a whimper of something new.

She sniffed around and hopped up on the bed and I could tell she was anxious. Not in an aggressive way, just in a "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?!" way. She sniffed her and when Sarah began to cry Dot hunched away with her tail in between her legs.

We tested sleeping in our room that night, with the baby and the dogs. Cooper was terrified of the new human and the pack and play and was shaking the bed violently with his panting, while Dot could't get comfortable and every time the baby made a noise the dogs where right there to investigate. Looking back we probably shouldn't have discouraged this behavior but ce la vie. It was a hard first night home and at about 2 am I had had enough of the dogs walking all over me and we put them in the living room. Dot barked the whole night, to this day it still breaks my heart thinking about that night.

Her behavior started to decline further, she isn't as affectionate as she was, she doesn't like to sit with me or by me, she hates being upstairs and the biggest aggravation, she has started messing in the house.

We thought it was us, being all consumed with the baby, but when we started to really pay attention we found she will go outside and play and come in and immediately mess in the dining room and then try to go back outside to play.

We are at our wits end.

We have punished bad behavior, rewarded good, tried to single out one on one time with her and nothing is working.

She hasn't had it easy these past few years, what with moving, that addition of  Cooper and then the pups. I just don't think she had another life changing event in her to cope with and she is saying "F&*% YOU MOM AND DAD!"  The worst is that the pups are picking up on this behavior and are starting to join in, they have destroyed our new couch and tore up some of Sarah's clothes.

We are starting to boil over and have even discussed getting rid of all the dogs, but we know we can't do that, we just day dream of being a dog free home.

We aren't sure where to go from here, one more pup is going to their forever home in a couple weeks and then we are down to one. We keep telling ourselves that 4 is easier than 5 just like 5 was easier than 6.

I just feel like I let my first born fur baby down, oh the guilt of being a fur momma and a real momma.

shameful

That is what is going on right now.

On my Pandora.

I have a serious problem after my birthday. After my birthday I am just done and I am ready for it to be Christmas or at least fall.

That is why I allow myself one day in July to have a Christmas preview, well this year I was on maternity leave and didn't do it so today is that day.

Instead of Christmas in July I am having Christmas in August.

I should probably be more ashamed than I am.

Meh.

Only 138 more days people. 

A blog just for me.

I used to get pretty regular traffic on this here blog, notice the past tense. I don't anymore, I realized that when I got pregnant and started blogging just about that state of being, my readership went down and then creepers started to be the only hits my posts would get.

I am not going to say that it didn't bother me, it did. We, as a culture love the validity we get from friends, family but even more so from strangers, it can come in many forms, repins, likes, shares. Whatever. I had dreams of this blog blowing up and becoming popular and with that becoming BFF's with Ree and she would invite me out to her ranch where Charlie and Walter would show my beloved basset a good time slow motion running through the plains of Oklahoma.

I don't know why my dream always involved being friends with Ree but they do.

The point is that isn't happening and won't.

When I checked my last couple posts and saw that not a single person viewed it, I can admit that I thought about closing up shop.

Me: But I like blogging.
Inner monologue: Then keep blogging
Me: What's the point? no one reads this
Inner monologue: Who cares?
Me: you mean I can keep blogging even though no one reads this?

Ok, so I wasn't actually sitting there talking to myself but these were my thoughts more or less.

So no more 30 things, themed posts, crafting posts, recipes posts... unless I am feeling it.

I don't want this to be a niche blog because my life isn't a niche life.

it is mostly just random crap like this.

So here is to putting authenticity out in to the inter-webs.

You're welcome universe.

Day one

Wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be, and I will be forever grateful to the people I work with for making my day not has hard as it could have been.

I even got cake, one of the guys in the shop made it for me. I mean how awesome is that?

Home made icing and all. 

I did hit my wall around 3, usually that was when I needed a nap but instead I just wanted to be home getting baby snuggles. 

One thing that is hard is no matter how much I want to see her, and kiss her and hug her, she may not be that way towards me. Last night was the perfect example, I made it home in record time, she was asleep so I gently lifted her up and hugged her and she started crying. She did this most of the night until it was time for bed. Her happiest time is right when she gets up in the morning and because she doesn't really nap, her demeanor just deteriorates from there. So yay to coming home to a tired, crying baby. 

Maternity Leave

Well, the time has come.

My maternity leave is over, two weeks early due to my short term disability not being approved due to a "pre-exsisting medical condition", I just loved that they called my pregnancy and my child a "pre-exsisting medical condition". Too say I was mad when they gave me their rundown would be an understatement and I may or may have not used fuck a few times in the conversation that followed. I am not proud of that moment but I blame sleep deprivation and coming down from my hormones.

As my maternity leave comes to a close and I am left with mixed emotions. The thought of leaving my little girl for 8 hours a day is heart breaking and, dare I say (for fear of sounding like a terrible mother), a relief.

The "hard" that other moms talk about are different for each mom, or it can be a combination. For some it is the lack of freedom, some it is the helplessness and some it is the loneliness.

Mine is mostly the helplessness I feel when I have done everything the books say, everything I know to do and she is still screaming bloody murder. I start to question my instincts as a mother which I will admit aren't as strong as I thought they would be. I am not saying that I am not a total mother bear, because I am. I just thought there was going to be one transcendent moment where I knew what cry meant what, and all of a sudden this ancient knowledge would wash over me.... yep still waiting for that. Instead I felt like a dog that was left on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere. Confused, scared and sad, the car was my old life, warm and comfortable and motherhood is this new strange place.

The relief that I fear I will feel is that I am happy to have the break that husband got, 8 hours of busy work in an environment where I am somewhat in control, and no one is barfing on me. They say absence makes the heart grow fonder and I know in my case it will but shouldn't a good mother want to stay all day and stare at her baby? I mean I thought I wanted too and given the chance I think I still would because when its good, it is SO good. We had very few good days but when we did I felt like I could conquer the world. Maybe it is because those first 8 weeks are the hardest I feel this way and I have this fear rising in me that I don't know what hard is because I have been home for 8 weeks. Sure lets throw work on top of that and be a good mother all the while trying to stay sane.

Operation awesome, kick ass, working mom is now in effect.

DAY ONE: FIRST DAY BACK.

Two month letter

Sarah,
Baby girl, my little squeaks, my fuss-a-munch you have changed so much in 4 weeks. The big thing is that you are sleeping now, for the most part. We have a bed time routine and you sleep pretty much from 8-2:30 then until around 7:30 in the morning. When you do wake up it is only long enough to get your diaper changed and eat then you zonk right out again. Naps on the other hand are another story. You are a crappy nap taker, there I said it. You would rather be miserable and scream because you only "cat napped" for 30 min than  actually take a full fledged nap.

Eating has been a challenge because we are having trouble finding a formula that doesn't upset your stomach. I am still not convinced that Soy formula is the answer but we don't want to switch you again. Your fussiness because of gas has decreased but then your pooping (yep, I am one of those moms) has become an issue for you. I consulted your doctor and she said prune juice and boy did that clean out your plumbing.

during the fart

After the fart

Your Oma is staying with you/us for two weeks, we are happy to prolong your time at home before you start day care.

You have started to laugh, smile, coo and generally like to play more, your play mat is the bee knees and the ceiling fan is your best friend. You love what I call lip smackers which is just a big ole wet kiss.

You have started to try to roll over and I suspect before your Oma leaves you will be owning this developmental milestone.

I can't wait to see how much you change by my next letter.

Love you.
Mommy

One month Letter

Hello Sarah B,

laying on her billi blanket

It is currently 11:59PM and you are asleep. Sleep. Something that eludes this house on a daily basis. You are a little over one month and sleep is the only thing we really need to work on at the moment. Your first month on the outside was a busy one, we had billi blankets to lay on, doctors to see, lbs to gain. In your first few weeks, its laughable now to think about, but you actually had to be woken up to eat. Oh how we wish we had that problem now. Not really, but girl as soon as the sun goes down you are wide awake.

Enough about how much you DON'T sleep lets get on to the what you do. You are already pretty strong, you love to do baby pull ups and lift your little head up to see more of what is going on. You have tried to see a little to much on more than one occasion and almost flopped right out of daddy and my arms.

You are eating like a champ now! Something that stressed daddy and I to the max your first few days with us. You are officially bottlevfed as much as I hate to admit defeat, I guess it isn't totally defeat, you do boob feed 3 times a day but it is more for comfort than sustenance. I have to keep telling myself some boob milk is better than none.

Yes, we call it boob milk, or say "She needs some boob". I never said your father and I were mature. 

The last doctor appointment you had was your one month check up they were so happy that you had gained not just one pound but a pound and a half! We take bets as to what your weight is going to be at every doc appointment, we were all really wrong. You weighed in at a healthy 7lbs, your head had grown an inch and a half and you had grown a whole inch.

Your daddy and I can't believe how much we are in love with you, even when you are screaming like a pterodactyl (yes I had to google this, and no I didn't know it started with a P).

We love you, our little squeaks.

Sarah's Birth Story: Part two

I was in la la land for the most part now but I wasn't sure if it was the drugs or the fact that I was delirious with happiness that I wasn't in pain anymore. Then the happiness started to feel like nausea, and I couldn't believe that I was going to throw up... I yelled over everyone talking that I needed a trash can and to be propped up NOW because I was going to throw up, what, I didn't know I was going on almost 36 hours of not eating but throw up I did. Dr. Asshole was still in the room and he said "Oh that is totally normal." Is it really?! A little warning next time would be nice... anyway now that I was feeling no pain I was able to sleep and did from about 12:30 in the morning until it was time to push.  They came in periodically and would update me on my progress which was still slow. Then sometime in the 4 o'clock hour the resident came in to check me and I was prepared to hear the worst... like being only 4cm but low and behold I was at a 7! I didn't realize how much my body had been fighting my labor but in that moment all residual feelings I had of "wussing" out for getting an epidural vanished. I tried to fall back asleep but when the doctor said I was at a 7 the air around me became charged with excitement with a side of nervousness.

After being told that I was actually progressing I start to feel....something. A new sensation, like I need to push something out, I have a lot going on down there at this point what with the catheter and the fetal heart monitor wire. Baby girl was terrible at staying on the monitor, we called her camera shy to try to laugh about it but in reality it was annoying as hell. I couldn't move around like I wanted to because it would send the nurse flying in to my room thinking something was wrong, they decided because I was so close and she was being a brat about it to use the FHM. Anyway, back to my sensation. I told my husband and my mom that I was feeling something down there. It wasn't a contraction it was something new, I told them the feeling or pressure was coming from where the FHM wire was but I just felt like I wanted to push out the catheter. I think the catheter thing was because I could feel that better than the wire, but I told them I think I am getting close to pushing.

Husband went and grabbed the nurse and she came in hesitently. She had been with me through most of my labor, or at least the hard stuff, and she knew it had taken FOREVER to get to this point and I could see it on her face when I asked to be checked so soon after her last exam that she didn't want to get my hopes up. She gloved up and the look of surprise on her face let me know what I was suspecting. She said that I was fully dilated and it was time to start pushing. I thought I hadn't heard her correctly, me ready to push? But this has been what seems like the longest labor in the history of labor and you're telling me we are almost to the end? I didn't believe her, then she started to get the cart ready and turned the light on to the warming bed. At 6am she said I could try some practice pushing, and in this part of my story I am going to admit to my naivety. I thought to myself that their will be no practice pushes I told myself I would have this kid out in 3 pushes....

Oh silly, dumb Mrs. G...

I start my practice pushes and realize that I have no idea how to push this kid out, they say I am doing a good job but after about 30 minutes and no baby I realize... wow, this is hard. The nurse checks me to see where I am and she says that I still have a lip of my cervix and I need to lay on my left hand side to get it to go away. At this point they have turned off my epi so I can start to feel the contractions to push. I feel everything and through all the new sensations I had the pleasure of feeling during my labor this was the worst. The was the beginning of me begging for a c-section or what I like to call.... Transition.

I was on my left hand side and was begging for this kid to be out of me. I believe I asked for a scalpel so I could do it myself when I was told we were past that point. I finally laid back on my back and refused to lay on my left hand side. My dear husband said to me "but, honey the nurse said..." and I very "nicely" told him to Shut the eff up, I wasn't laying on my left hand side and the nurse could get over it.

What little time I was on my left hand side must have done the trick because she came back in and I resumed "practice" pushing.  After about another 30 min their was a shift change and I got my new nurse, who thought the best way to make a first impression was to fiddle with my nethers while I was having a contraction.

"GET YOUR FINGERS OUT OF ME."

The voice that came out of me was not my own, but came from a place, deep inside me that I guess only shows itself when in extreme pain. The nurse very promptly brought her hands up in the "I surrender" position and said "OK"... like I actually had a loaded gun pointed at her, which if I you think about it I kind of did (ba-doom tiiiiish). After the contraction ended I profusley apologized to her for yelling at her and she said "Please, yell at me if you need too." It is hard to remember that there is nothing you can do or say to L & D nurse that 1. they haven't heard before or 2. they take to heart.

So there I am, pushing and pushing and pushing and nothing is happening. I say that I know I said I was against foreceps and a vacuum but if they brought me a dyson I would have sucked her out myself.  That was about the last witty thing I said because in an instant shit got real. I kept pushing and everyone kept telling me that I was doing such a great job but to me nothing was happening, I had been pushing for an hour and half and still didn't have a baby. I told my mom and husband to "SHUT UP"  when they kept saying how awesome I was doing. The next push I gave I felt the room begin to spin and I yelled " I AM GOING TO PASS OUT, I AM SO HOT, I AM GOING TO PASS OUT" They thought I was over exaggerating but after the next contraction I hit my mother's and husband's hands off of me, ripped off my blood pressure cuff and started to literally rip off my gown almost pulling my IVs out in the process. My mom and husband helped me out of my gown and I hear a little voice from my left hand side say "Hi can we get a fan to room 676?"

It was one of those super fancy dyson ones, and let me tell you, those things pump out some serious arctic air. The issue was my mom who was holding my leg kept standing in front of it and my husband and I kept yelling at her to move because the instant the cool wasn't hitting me I felt like I was going to pass out again.

The doctor finally comes in and checks my progress you can see about a dime size portion of her head when I bear down and push. The doctor checks me and I ask if I can change position and she tells me that Sarah is lodged in my pelvis and if we weren't careful what position I was in it could lodge her further in. I don't fight this because at this point I have the shakes and in between contractions I am begging anyone who will listen to get this baby out of me because I just can't anymore. I was convinced that I had nothing else to give and that I was done pushing and that this next contraction I wasn't going to push I was just going to stay pregnant forever. Yeah right, that's laughable. If you hear a woman say that when there is that urge to push you push, I didn't even want to push but damn it I had no control over my body. So I pushed and the doctor realized that I wasn't doing an awesome job the way I was doing it so she said we were going to get medieval. I think "great they are going to have me bite down on a leather strap or something." Not the case, the nurse comes back with a towel that she has twisted to look like a rope and tells me to grab the other end. I am told to pull as hard as I can when I have a contraction and the nurse would pull back (think playing tug of war). The issue was I wasn't rounding in enough on my self to push her out. Does that make sense? There is a reason why you are slightly sitting up with your legs in stirrups, its because it puts all the pressure right in your groin area and I wasn't in the right position.

The contraction came and I pulled with all my might and everyone shouted how awesome I was doing and that they could actually see the head. The doctor asked if I wanted to mirror as motivation but I said no because I was afraid I was going to be to focused on what I was seeing and not on actually pushing. My husband who swore up and down that he wasn't going to watch was transfixed and couldn't look away. Another contraction came I pulled but my arms gave out and I shouted at someone to catch the poor nurse on the other end. When the contractions would end my whole body would be shaking uncontrollably,so getting a grip on the towel was hard. The next few contractions I was determined to get this kid out, I had been in labor long enough and was convinced that if I had to push for much longer I would actually go insane. So after the obligatory 2 hard pushes while counting to 10 I realized I still felt the urge to push so I yelled " CAN I KEEP PUSHING." The doctor responded calmly "If you feel like you need too" it was those extra pushes that got her out. I had 2 or 3 contractions where I did the extra push and after every contraction you could see more and more of her.

Once she was finally crowning I felt the contraction coming and with everything I had left I pushed and that was it. The whole room exploded and shouting about how she was out and what was I doing? Still pushing... She came at the very beginning of the contraction and my body was still telling me to push,  I was told to stop pushing she was out, and I gave a "huh?" then they placed her on my chest and there she was, my daughter was here.

Husband cried and kept telling me "you did it, she's here" and my mom was just a mess. I was silent, my body was humming but when they put her tiny, warm body in to my arms, they stopped shaking and were powerful and steady. The weight of her on me felt like it was meant to be there, like this little plot of skin was always hers to lay on and it had just been waiting. She was born with her eyes open and when I began to talk she searched her small little eyes for me. She knew me and I knew her, I knew all 5lbs 8oz of her ( I guessed her weight spot on, I guess mother knows best.) They whisked her away to make sure she was ok and I delivered my placenta. This was such a weird sensation, and thankfully it was intact and their wasn't any visible problem with it.  We told the doctor that I wanted to encapslate it but she said that because she was so early they were going to want to do some tests to make sure there wasn't an infection or something along those lines as the cause for her early arrival. I didn't care, I was tired and high on my baby. They said she was perfect just petite and that she could go to the normal nursery and not the NICU which was huge relief for me. Her glucose was really low so while they took her to the nursery husband went with her and I stayed behind to get stitched up. I actually stayed in the L&D room for a few hours because they had to run some tests on me. I guess my blood pressure sky rocketed during delivery...hmmmm wonder why? But they took my cath out and took some blood. Everything turned out ok in the end and I was finally taken upstairs.

The first few days were filled with Sarah having to be on a billi bed because she was jaundice, being told I may not be able to breastfeed and that I was this close to getting a c-section.

All and all this was a huge lesson for me in letting go of control and just going with the flow. I am so happy that she is here, happy and healthy and that I made it out not to emotionally scared to consider having more children.

Sarah's Birth story part one

Saturday June 1st was just another day, isn't that what people always say? That this one day before your life changed forever was like any other day? I hadn't slept well that night and I was getting increasingly uncomfortable and realized I probably pushed myself to hard from cleaning trying to get the house ready for my baby shower so it was a lazy day for me.

My mom had been out ordering food for my shower and I had been laying on the couch when husband got home and we decided to go out and pick out my glider for the nursery. We walked around a lot and I just felt off, tired and just plain worn out. But we found the one we wanted and when they said they didn't have it but would by the 14th we said that was fine because "we had 5 weeks."

Feeling exhausted and not wanting to cook, we decided to hit up a little Mexican food cause baby wanted chimichangas. When we got our food I just wasn't hungry and we boxed up everything and headed home. I tried to relax and husband and I headed to bed around 9:30, I was restless but was able to sleep from about 9:30 until I rolled over around 2:30am with an uncomfortable amount of pressure and thought to myself " good lord I have to pee!" I stand up and immediately start "wetting" myself. I couldn't believe it, how embarrassing, I waddled to the bathroom trying to hold it but I just kept "wetting" myself. I finally get to the toilet and I am still gushing what I thought was pee. I think it is over and I wipe and there is blood....

It takes me 3 screams of husbands name to rouse him from bed and I am still leaking, he walks in, squinty eyed in to the bathroom and asked kind of out of sorts "What?!"  I told him there was blood and he asked what that meant, I told him I didn't know because this being my water breaking was the last thing on my mind. I told him to get my mom, she had been through this before so she would know right?

My husband runs down stairs and grabs her and they are both back upstairs in no time, crowding the bathroom door, trying to assess the situation. I am still leaking at this point and all I of a sudden I remembered my mom talking about her labor with me, her water broke before any contractions and that she had been right where I had been, on the toilet, thinking she was peeing but couldn't stop the flow. I couldn't stop the flow.... HOLY SHIT, IS THIS MY WATER!?!. I knew right then before my mom asked the first question, and I think she did too, my water had broken and I was 5 weeks early.

I told husband to call my OB and I had to clean up a little and get dressed, in the process we called Kelley my doula and she said we should stay home rest and then call her in a little while. I wasn't comfortable with that seeing as my water broke and this just wasn't the start of contractions, so we decided to go ahead and head to the hospital. As I was getting dressed, I lost it, the nursery wasn't done, our bags weren't packed.... we weren't ready, I wasn't ready. I thought for sure I was going to walk in to L & D and they were going to sign me up for a c-section.

I threw on husbands ratty pj bottoms and a hoodie and we headed to the hospital. We got there and after the hour or so assessment it was determined that I was in fact in labor, the issue was my cervix was as thick as ever and I was only dilated to 1cm. I knew right then and there this was going to be a loooooooooong day.


I waddled my leaking self down to my room and it was set up and Husband got the camera  out and started filming. I wasn't having contractions at this point but I knew I was going to have a baby, possibly within the next 24 hours. We called all the family and everyone's reaction was pretty much the same, they couldn't believe that I was in labor 5 weeks early. I was still in a state of shock laying there in the room that would welcome my daughter. It was a little overwhelming to see the warming bed all ready to go, to know that I didn't have "5 weeks" anymore this was happening. I wasn't in any pain yet so after the calls had been made I decided to get some sleep and luckily I was able too.

My family slowly yet surely made their way in to see me, and then the meds started. I have stated I don't know how many times that I wanted a med free birth, shoot I even wrote a damn birth wish list that said so. But when I was on my toilet and realized that my water had broken 5 weeks early I pretty much felt like Elizabeth Banks in the movie "What to expect when you're expecting" when she has to have a c-section she tells her doctor that she has a birth plan...she even typed it. I knew in that moment that it didn't really matter what my "plan" was because Sarah had one of her own. I knew when they said I was at 1cm with little to know effacement that intervention was going to be needed because the chance of infection was so high because my water broke.

I knew to sit back and enjoy the ride. So I watched ABC family, they were playing old school Disney movies, oldies like Cinderella, Peter Pan and one of my favies Pocohantas.... It was glorious.

They gave me over the course of 12 hours a pill abbreviated to meso that was supposed to thin and ripen my cervix in hopes to bring on labor more naturally. It did what it was supposed to do but because my body was totally unprepared for this the pills weren't enough. At this point my contractions were getting to the point where I had to breathe through them. Deep breaths in through the nose and out through my mouth. When they checked me, I thought for sure I would be at a 3 or even a 4.... I was still at 1, almost a 2. I was in shock, I thought for sure my body had been moving forward because the contractions were getting stronger and isn't that what it is supposed to do?

Then the word Pitocin came up and I immedately wanted to talk it over with husband, which the nurses respected. I called Kelley, whom we had been in communication with through this whole process and tell her my progress. To say that at this point, after 12 hours of labor with no clear end in sight I decided something while dialing that I never thought I would. I told her that after the meds to ripen my cervix didn't really work that they wanted to give me Pit and I gulped air to hold back tears and said... "I think I am going to get the epidural." It wasn't because the pain was too much or that I couldn't handle it. It was because I didn't know how much longer I was going to be in labor, it could have been 5 more hours or 15, only Sarah knew. I told Kelley that my ultimate goal was to avoid a c-section at all costs and deliver her as close to natural as humanly possible. She totally agreed with me and I didn't feel like such a puss/failure after all. She reassured me that she was early, my body wasn't ready for this and that getting her out vaginally should be my number one priority and if getting an epidural so I could rest and be ready for the birth then I should do it.

I had originally told the nurse that I was going to see how bad the pitocin contractions were and see if I could handle them naturally but that I wasn't against getting the epi. Then after getting the uplifting words from Kelley I decided that I was already pretty tired and why put it off any longer? The nurse came back in and I told her to go ahead and put the order in for the epi, I needed to get some sleep.

Things up to this point were fine, and manageable, my contractions were getting more intense but I was handling it well. Then the anesthesiologist came in and f-ed that up royally.

They started my pit and not even 10 min later Dr.Asshole we will call him came in to administer my epi. I was nervous, I had read how a bad epi can lead to chronic back pain down the road and other problems and I didn't want that to happen, so I said a little prayer that this doc had a steady hand. He comes in and immedately starts to comment on my "dense back tissue" I am pretty sure this is him calling me fat (husband said he heard him tell the nurse that I shouldn't be a problem because his record was 691lbs) but at this point I don't care because I am trying to breathe through my contractions so I don't move too much while a long needle is being inserted in to my spine.

Epidurals hurt. The stuff they give you to numb the area hurts, when they are moving the giant ass needle around in your spine it hurts and it hurts too if they hit a nerve and your back spasms WHILE the giant ass needle is in your spine. While Dr. Asshole is poking around back there and says he has the epi set I tell him I am still feeling everything (and to add to the list I am feeling a giant ass needle in my back). He again tells me that with my dense back tissue it was hard but the meds should take effect in about 20 minutes. I find this information unsettling because he keeps asking me if my legs are numb or can I feel this contraction and on a scale of 1-10 how bad is the pain. I am not going to lie it did take the edge off so the doc leaves after he thinks he has sucessfully administered my epidural.

This is the beginning my of my 5 hours of hell.

My epi was given to me at 7pm, by 8pm I knew it wasn't right. I was feeling everything and by this point the pitocin had really kicked in. The thing was I could only feel it on my right side, the asshole doctor had only numbed my left side. The contractions, granted only on my right side were terrible, I was moaning through them and they had rendered me useless when one would come. Then the nurse came in to give me a catheter. When she did it I lost my mind and started bawling my eyes out. I had been in labor for 18.5 hours, I was tired, in a lot of pain and confused as to why I was in so much pain. I had seen the effects of an epidural on women before, they were so clam, relaxed, joyful that they weren't in any pain, I was not one of those women. When the nurse left my mom and husband rushed over to me and I told them something wasn't right, I was in way to much pain for having an epidural and I was so tired and done being poked and prodded.

Husband told the nurse when she came back in that I was in a lot of pain still so she put a call in to Dr. Asshole who sent one of this minons down to give me a straight shot of pain killers. This would be the routine for the next 5 hours.

After 5 hours of being on the strongest setting for pit, feeling it on half of my body someone finally said "You know this doesn't seem right." And called Dr. Asshole and in he came and he watched me for 20 min and said that the epi catheter probably had shifted and when he dug around my spine some more and realized that no, he had just plain effed it up he stayed and re-administered ANOTHER epi. I cried the whole time. Husband just held my hands and put his forehead to mine and told me how amazing I had been through all of this. I found strength in his words and rounded my dense back tissue for Dr.Asshole.  I was so beyond exhausted,when he finally hit the sweet spot and I went all tingly and exclaimed "This is what it is supposed to feel like" I just wept tears of joy.

They got me positioned in bed and then I sat up for some reason and then it happened....

My eyes got wide, my arms flailed searching for the sides of the bed, I yelled

"I AM FALLING, I AM FALLING"

My mom and the nurse caught me and got me nestled back in to bed.

In an instant the epi had rendered my core muscles useless and I couldn't have been happier.

She's here!!!

Hello.

This isn't the post that I thought I would be writing this week, in fact our motto through this whole experience has been "We had 5 more weeks."

Well, Sarah had other plans.

Mr. G and I welcomed our little girl 5 weeks early on Monday, June 3rd at 8:43 AM.

She is perfect, just petite as the doctor said.

I am working on her birth story, just be prepared I was in labor for 30 hours so it may be a two part-er. I will stop boring you and give you what you really want, PICTURES!!

Birth "Wishes"

When I mentioned a birth plan to my doc you could tell in the eye roll and the forced control in her voice that she wanted to tell me why bother? Nothing against her, she has a very dry personality and I get it, she was probably fearing I was/am one of those women that laminate the damn thing.

She said if it would make me feel better to do some research and see what I would and wouldn't be comfortable with that was fine but she wanted to reiterate that even though it is black and white doesn't mean the birth will be that way.

I told her that I am going to be as go with the flow as my personality will allow but I thought it was important to see what she was comfortable accommodating and that the staff working with us know that we were planning on a natural birth. She said go for it.

I looked for some samples of birth plans and some of them seemed really demanding or no if, and's or buts about it and that wasn't how I wanted to come across, I mean can you imagine being a seasoned nurse and this first time mom comes in with a list of demands? I wanted to make sure they were respected as the health professionals they are so they respected my wishes.

I remembered a mommy blogger Jen @ Babymakingmachine.com wrote one with her daughter and looked to it for guidance. OK I pretty much janked the opening because she words it so perfectly.


This is what I came up with:

Dear Doctors, Nurses and Attending Staff:

First off I want to thank you so much for being here and helping my daughter and me on this very special day. You choosing this profession shows me you must love babies and new mothers so I’m looking forward to getting to know you over the next little while. This is our first baby, her name is Sarah, and we’re very excited to meet her.

I know some women come in with a set “birth plan” and others I’m sure don’t have anything of that sort, I decided to take a slightly different approach to thinking about today and write some “birth wishes” since I know I can’t plan everything to a T, and ultimately, my baby girl is in charge. Having said that, there are some things I’d like to avoid unless absolutely necessary and certain things I’d prefer.

·         My husband, Matthew will be present for both Labor and Delivery and we will have the assistance of Kelley Daniel (Doula) during the laboring process.

·         To help me “stay in the zone” I would appreciate a quiet room and no excess staff please.

·         I would like the lights to be dimmed and I have brought music to help me focus

·         I have brought my own gown, it is great for breastfeeding and I made sure it is easily accessible for you.

·         I prefer intermittent fetal motoring so I can have more mobility as well as minimal vaginal exams

·         I’d prefer to avoid Pitocin and wait for my water to break on its own.

·         I think it is important for everyone working with us to know we are striving for a med free birth. I will be using meditation and other natural techniques to deal with the pain, please do not offer me any pain medication.

·         During the pushing stage I would like the opportunity to try different positions

·         I would like to avoid an episiotomy and try to slow down pushing in order to allow my body time to stretch.

·         I would like to be offered the mirror to see Sarah

·         I would like to catch Sarah if possible, if not PLEASE place her directly on my belly after birth.

·         After the cord stops pulsing, Matthew would like to cut the umbilical cord.

·         I will be encapsulating my placenta and have filed the appropriate paper work before hand; Kelley Daniel will be handling this process.  

·         We are requesting to not use, if possible, the prophylactic eye drops

·         Please, let’s delay the standard tests and screenings until we have had some bonding time and have established breast feeding (at least 30 min).

·         Speaking of breastfeeding, we are choosing to exclusively breast feed so please no nipples, pacifiers or formula.

·         We would like Sarah to stay with us at all times, so please perform all exams and procedures in the room with us and also there will be no nursery visits.

·         Please hold off on giving Sarah a bath right away.

Of course all of the above is how we all want things to go but like I said before I can’t plan everything to a T, so if an emergency with me or Sarah arises:

·         In case an emergency caesarian is necessary, and if there’s time, please give my husband and me a few moments to discuss our options in private before asking for written consent.

·         Ideally I’d like to remain conscious for the procedure.

·         Please show me Sarah immediately after she’s born, if possible I’d like to have a hand free to touch her.

·         Once Sarah is ready to leave the OR so they can finish up, or if she has any problems, we would like my husband to stay with her.

My husband, OB and I have discussed these wishes before and we all understand that things can change and these are my preferences.

Thank you again so much for attending my birth! It’s going to be an exciting day!

So there you go, a copy of the approved birth plan. Would you use a birth plan?  

Child Birthing Class: Breastfeeding

This class was a trip because we watched a video and these babies were fresh out of the womb and the moms were on the hormonal ride down. Which can be worse than the hormones during pregnancy....

Firstly, seeing a women using a breast pump if you have never seen it before is horrifying.

Secondly, this woman CRIED about how her husband really loved her because he hates bananas, I am guessing so much to murder the man who found them and introduced them to the modern world, and would make her a peanut butter and banana sandwich.

It took all I had in me not to laugh, I am weird about laughing in this class because someone may have thought that was the most beautiful thing in the world and who am I to scoff at it. I was relieved thought when Tanya said something about it and everyone laughed. Guess I am not such a horrible person after all....

and Lastly, it hit husband that seeing my boobs as often as he is going to will lose its allure real quick.

34 Weeks

How far along? 34 Weeks, 6 weeks to go.

 The baby is as big as: A large cantaloupe 

 Maternity clothes? yes but something I noticed is I can still wear a majority of my pre-preggo tops. I don't know if that is a good thing or that subconsciously I have always been dressing like I was pregnant...

Stretch marks? starting to form, but so far they aren't too bad, I think my lotion regime is working, for now. 

How I am feeling:  LAWD! I am getting so very uncomfortable.  About 3pm everyday little girl has had ENOUGH of me sitting and demands that I get up, which is fine but when I stand up I need to pee, and if I sit she does her finest Muhammad Ali impression but bunching any nerve or organ she can get too. 

Best moment this week?: We got our Travel system and husband put it together and started pushing it around the house. He is getting the nervous excited but good lord is he adorable with baby stuff. 

Movement?: Yes but she is quieting down more now, I am not sure if she going through a growth spurt or what but she isn't as active as she was last week.  

Food cravings?: Chipotle, and then when I got it I almost ralphed it up but I didn't...WINNING!

Gender?:  GIRL!

Labor Signs?: There was a point this week where I was actually having what I thought were contractions. The pain was radiating in my lower back and my stomach was hard as a rock and I could barely sit from the amount of pressure in my pelvis.  I am still not convinced but my mom said that's what they were and will deny it. Baby girl needs to cook a little longer. 

Belly Button in or out?: still an innie, but when I lay on my back it is almost flush. I think I may make it out of this pregnancy without having a turkey timer belly button

What I miss: Not being HOT all the effing time. I mean before I got pregnant I was hot all the time, and now that I am pregnant I am even hotter all the time. It's a problem...

What I am looking forward to:  Baby shower next weekend! 

Weekly Wisdom: DRINK YOUR WATER!!! I am so bad at staying on top of my water consumption on the weekends and with this past weekend being a long one it was pretty bad come Wednesday at my doc appointment, I was so dehydrated my Doc almost sent me to the ER for fluids but because of the time of my appointment and my normal daily schedule being out of whack she didn't. I did have to call the office the next day and tell them how much water I consumed. 

 Milestones: I finally moved back in to my marital bedroom! I had been sleeping in the guest room because I flop around constantly trying to get comfy and it brought distress. Also the hotness issue was a problem, poor husband was freezing and actually caught a cold from me sleeping with the window open in the winter.  But after months away I am back and can say that it went really well last night. 

Child Birthing Classes: Your life after pregnancy

In kind of the same sense after you say I do, you find yourself on the other side looking at each other and then some one begs the question "Now what"? Only thing is the now what is keeping a tiny human alive and your marriage a float.

You spend 9 months prepping for this HUGE life change and now its here and will be for 18 years.

We talked about easy ways to help ease in to your new life like making a food train (I think there in an actual website for this so people don't quadruple up on the lasagnas), or scheduling blocks of time for visitors, hiring a PP doula to help around the house, or not being afraid to ask a family member to fold that last basket of laundry for you.

The biggest thing I was worried about was how we were going to manage the visitors. Do we want them to come to the hospital? to our house? in shifts?

Husband and I decided that we wanted most people to see us in the hospital if at all possible. One thing my SIL said was that her first day home with my nephew was so overwhelming that it took away from the moment. EVERYONE was in their tiny living room passing the baby around and you could tell all she wanted to do was take her bra off and take a damn nap. I can remember cooking for them, I made about 2 weeks worth of freezer meals, and her coming in the kitchen thanking me with tears in her eyes and giving me a big hug. I told her to pull up a chair and I would talk to her about the food, I just talked and she gazed off in to space but I think she was thankful for the break in conversation.

One HUGE factor I had to think about was my fur babies, I know everyone says that once I have SB they will become dogs and not my "kids" and that maybe true, but for the time being I have to make sure for my dogs sake, my sake and my child's sake, that this transition be as smooth as possible. That being said, I don't think bringing home the new baby and then adding both sides of the family converging on the house at once will be good for anyone.

Not to mention, Husband and I just had a major life change and I would like to have time for us to adjust for a few hours/a day in our home before we add a bunch of people to the mix.

We also talked about the hits your marriage can take, seeing as you are both sleep deprived and winging this whole parenting thing. One thing Tanya said was she and her husband actually had to go to therapy to learn how to fight and they would schedule it. As funny as that sounds it works for them, if its 2 am and the baby won't go down for the night and you are at your wits end, that is probably not the best time to work through something. Her point was you have to find what works and what is manageable for you and your spouse.

Another point she made was never put the baby (if you are co sleeping) in between you. Think about it, you can't be physically intimate until cleared by a medical professional. But spooning, cuddling or just plain laying next to one another can make you feel like you are still an "Us" and not SB parents, or completely nuts.

One major thing is how my role is going to change, I mean husbands is going to change too but because my body will actually respond to being away from the baby or if the baby needs something it can be harder for the woman to pull out of the mommy mode and be in wife mode. It's all about patience and finding the balance between being a spouse and a parent. It's going to be a learning process.

The point of this class is this is going to be hard on you as a couple so don't fight one another and just grab hold of each other and  fall down the rabbit hole.

Child Birthing Class: Complications

This class is optional because some people don't want to plant the negative seed in their had that something bad could happen.

We didn't attend because we figured we are already at the hospital and if something happens or needs to happen it will and fast.

Some of the complications I am worried about are of course the need for a C-section.

I told husband I already feel like some what of a failure for not having a home birth, that will be nothing compared to not being able to do what my body was built to do.

I talked about it before, trying to run scenarios in my head, what can I say it makes this type A planner feel more relaxed.

Anyway, whenever I try to run the gambit of things that could cause me to have a c-section I just feel defeated. I am not of the mind set yet of "Do whatever you want to get the baby out." I know it will come but right now I am not there yet, I am not ready to give up the notion of delivering naturally.

I am trying, daily, to quell this feeling of dread because fact of the matter is as long as myself and baby are healthy in the end does it really matter how we got to that point?

This is a mantra I repeat to myself on a fairly regular basis, it goes something like this:

"Healthy and happy that is the biggest goal"

"You are NOT a failure if the "PLAN"changes"

"You are not in charge here, SB is" 

"Go with the flow" 

I say this one a lot, and after my baby shower I am going to wall paper my house in these little sayings as a constant reminder that complication or no complication this isn't a time to be scared but it is a time for positive thinking.

Child Birthing classes: Birth

Major point I took from this class:

Birth is only something you can experience, there isn't a manual written, well people have tried to write one but there will always be the people that say their experience was nothing like that.

You can read and read and read until you have gone cross eyed and you probably won't be any closer to knowing what birth will be like for you.

I guess I clumped labor and birth together as one of the same, I kind of still do. You have to experience one to have the other in some way and really isn't labor the crescendo to birth?

I didn't know that the pushing you are doing, is rocking the baby out, not "pushing" the baby out. That is why it can take hours.... never knew that.

We talked about different positions and I guess I didn't know there were so many. Does that sound naive of me? Gave me some ideas of what to try, I may even take a copy of the page of positions to the hospital with me for reference.

This class was very straight and to the point because everyone has to do the same thing to get the baby out... PUSH! Tanya did go in to the different way the baby can come out but unfortunately I will be in the hospital so if she is coming any other way than head first it will be a c section for me. Thankfully, she is already head down, here's hoping she stays that way.


I plan on starting Ina May's guide to child birth this weekend because everyone says this book is amazing and then just letting nature take its course.

30 Things: most embarrassing

I am going to skip around the ole 30 things list because home girl needs some inspiration on some of these subjects.

So today I bring you...

 Describe your most embarrassing moment.

I have a plethora of embarrassing moments, so choosing one was hard.

This story always sticks out in my mind though, Enjoy!

Ok, bicycles and myself don't get along, I was scarred of them when I was younger and would be ashamed to say that I was a late bloomer when it came to taking off the training wheels but because of how many falls I have had I think maybe it was STILL a little premature.

Anyway, I was a sophomore in high school and my Dad and Step mom were still trying to force family fun on us. It wasn't too fun for me anymore because my older brother didn't come with us and so I always felt like the odd man out on these trips. This year was the year that I they decided, against my protests because of the above stated hatred, to take us to Mackinac island. This is an island in the U.P. in Michigan where no cars have ever gone before, everything is horse drawn or.... bicycle drawn.

We go and honestly it isn't that bad, there is a bunch of history and I enjoy going to the old forts and such then my dad suggests we go on a bike ride around the island. I protest but was shot down and hopped on a bike against my will and started on the trip around which was about 2 miles. The ride around was awesome, so much so that I actually reconsidered my standing war with the bicycle. Then it happened. My Dad wanting to prolong this ride exclaims "Let's bike up the island." He wasn't kidding, he legit wanted to bike up it. No one protested but myself and so here I was biking up a damn island. Anybody that knows anything can imagine that biking up an incline is a hell of a lot harder than around a flat plane. We get to the top after 2 more hours of biking and we stop and a rest stop to pee and get some water. While I am in the restroom, my dad decides he doesn't like his bike anymore and switches with mine. Well the issue with his bike is the seat won't stay latched in the right position, it continually creeps up on me and I am not stopping every 15-20 minutes to shove the bike seat back down so I can reach the pedals. We finally reach the top and I am at my wits end, I take a look around, take in the grandeur and wait by the bikes, this is me telling my family in a non verbal way that I am ready to go.

After about 15 minutes of them oooing and ahhhhing they make their way back to the bikes. I ask my dad to switch me back bikes because the seat was too high for me. My dad said no.... and then preceded to try to "fix" my bike seat. Now, please let me remind you that we are on top of an effing mountain and my dad has no tools on his person, and let me also state my dad is not MacGyver, he can't fix a bike seat with leaves and a stick. We decide to go back to the hotel and honestly the trip down is a cake walk, you barely have to pedal because the incline is so steep. Everyone mounts their noble stead and I notice that my seat, in the 20 minutes of not being on it and then my dad tinkering with it has risen exponentially and I can barely reach the pedals. I can see what is about to happen....

I am trying to find my footing wither it be on a pedal or solid ground but the seat is just too high, no one in my family is their to help me for they have all started down the hill. I swerve off the trail, hit a tree and then just fall over.

This wouldn't have been terribly embarrassing right?

Well remember when I said everything was horse drawn or by bicycle?

What the horse drawn tour actually looks like 

Well they give horse drawn carriage tours, but not your ordinary 2-4 person carriage. No, this thing looks like the effing titanic is being pulled by 12 Budweiser Clydesdales. There is such a tour about 20 feet behind me on the trail, and it wouldn't be a tour with out a tour guide with a microphone and a sound system.

As I lay there amongst what I was hoping wasn't poison ivy, I hear.....




"And you will see to your-
OH MY GOODNESS ARE YOU OK MA'AM?!?!?!?!"

The tour guide yelled so loudly in to the microphone that birds abandoned their nests and took to the skies like in the movies when a gun shot goes off.

I picked myself up gave a little wave, with tears streaming down my face, not because my bleeding and dirt covered knee hurt but because I was DYING of embarrassment.

I got the seat down myself and flew down the hill.

I passed my family in a blur, got back to the hotel, threw my bike to the curb and sat out front of our door waiting for them to catch up.

Over dramatic? Probably, but as I saw it this was a small island and half of the damn population was on that tour and I would be forever the girl that failed at getting on her bike in an extremely epic proportion.

When I look back at it, when my family looks back at it we get a good laugh. It is a joke in my family that my dad doesn't know when to quit when it comes to family fun and always pushes the activity one step to far and this kind of incident happens.